I want to feel special

[asSASSin8]

I am having a really down moment and possibly being a bit of a brat, but I need to get this out.

It's hard when your STBXH treats his new GF like a queen and does everything he wouldn't do for you in the years you were together and your BF doesn't seem to make as much effort as he appeared to with his ex. It leaves me wondering - why am I not special?
I think it's great my STBXH is treating his new GF well, perhaps he has taken the opportunity to learn from our relationship and grow as a partner. I think it's the rubbing it in my face which makes me feel so low.

My BF of 10 months (I know it's not long), tells me how good I've made him feel about himself and how much better this relationship is for him. Yet, I can't help but see how much he gushed about his ex on social media, flowers and signs of affection which he has not done for me. In all honesty, we haven't been out on that many dates. I feel like I constantly have to come up with ideas for places to go. He is apprehensive about posting anything about us on social media. I feel almost like a low effort GF and I don't want to be. I can't tell whether it's that we have different love languages or whether he feels he doesn't have to make as much effort to keep me around. I think I'm freaking out more because he has asked me to move in with him later on this year and the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether this relationship is right for me. I'm almost thinking I'd rather be alone than feel second best.

Has anyone had this before?

It doesn't sound like you're happy in your relationship. You should tell your boyfriend that you're not ready to move in with him.

As for not feeling special, it's the standard you are letting men treat you at.

Find yourself a man who treats you like royalty and don't settle for less if it's important to you.

If he’s apprehensive about gushing on FB, perhaps it’s because he knows he did it for his ex without really meaning it just to keep her happy (or even only because she asked him to - if I had a pound for every gushing social media post I’ve seen which I know was posted because the partner of the poster basically told them “post about how much you love me”, I’d be quite a few pounds richer.) Don’t judge the exterior of somebody else’s relationship with the interior of yours. Flowers and public displays of affection tell you nothing about what somebody’s relationship is really like (how often have you seen endless lovey posts #myworld and pictures of their #perfectdatenightwiththebesthubbyever from a couple on FB and then heard they split up soon after?)

If he’s a decent, kind man who is interested in your wellbeing, consistent with his words and actions, and clearly sees a future with you then I think you’d do well to discuss how you feel with him. If you need him to show you he cares in a particular way, tell him, and ask what he needs from you similarly. If he’s the right person for you he’ll take it on board and you can see how things go after that. If he isn’t then he’ll ignore you and you’ll know what to do.

I mean, or you can dump him and get together with somebody who talks about treating you like a princess all the time - but let’s face it, the men like that generally turn out to be assholes.

I think you know this current relationship is not for you OP.
You would feel very different if it was right for you.
It's early on still with not commitments.
End it and then do some work on yourself.
You need to make yourself feel truly special before someone else is going to do it for you.
Complete no brainer for now.
And block your ex on everything.
You do not need to see any of it.... so don't!!!
Time to move on for YOU.

Don't be a low effort GF (excellent phrase!) if he doesn't make you feel special to him - you aren't. Why does he want you to move in with him? Help with bills? Sex on tap?

If he's not making an effort to come up with dates now, he certainly won't if you live with him.

My DP gushed about his ex on SM because she insisted on it. I do not.

If you're happy in daily life, why does he need to post on the internet about you? There's much more to life.

If you feel like he is lacking in effort (few days, not making an effort to come up with ideas for days out etc) then you know then maybe it's not right for you. Life is far too short to be unhappy in relationships. I'd stop putting so much emphasis on the social media thing though, your relationship is for you not your friends or likes.

Not making much effort can be a sign that the other person feels you're likely to stay with them even without an effort. But it can also be a sign that they are taking their cues from you - e.g. they think you don't make such a big fuss, so (for example) they will look stupid if they do, or they are just trying to match their behaviour to be the same as yours.
So sometimes people make more effort if you act less interested, but sometimes they make more effort if they see you making more effort, too.

You can't change his behaviour, only your own. Don't move in with someone you don't want to, but it might be worth making some changes yourself (being more demanding, being more expressive yourself, perhaps?) and seeing if the relationship gets deeper.

Oh, and I posted a picture of my last bf and me on social media looking all happy and smiley, purely for the purpose of sticking out my tongue to my exh if he saw it. But now, a few years later, I haven't posted any pictures of my current bf because I don't care what my exh thinks now.

You need to speak to your bf.

He may feel you want to keep things more low-key and sees his suggestion of moving in together as showing his wish for commitment.

Or he may, indeed, feel it's fine to get by making little effort with you.

You can't know without speaking to him about it.

How old are you, OP?
It is clear that both men learned something form their past relationships. But you seem to not see the forest behind the trees.
In real life - moving in with someone is a far greater sign of someone being into and committed to someone then gushing posts on FB.
Most of those posts are cringe worthy, especially when men do that. There is always an insecure and needy woman who is behind those posts, which are meant to make her temporarily less unhappy until the demands the next one...:
This will be especially pronounced in a few weeks with all the public valentine declarations.

If you are unhappy with bf in general - fair enough, leave and cut your losses. But if it’s about posts on SM and your annoyance at your ex that is making you compare present and past relationships - I think you need to really think about why these things are so important to you.
Grown up relationships aren’t played out on Facebook.

It sounds very much like the issue is within yourself. Maybe you need to work on your own self esteem. Could you get some help via your GP?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. We're both in our mid 30's. When I read it back, it sounds silly and superficial. My rational adult mind knows that SM is not a true representation of RL and people only highlight the best bits. Really taking the time to think about it, I think my feelings stem from what I perceive as a lack of effort on his part for what is a fairly new relationship. I have noticed silly things like he interrupts me when I talk, so I’ve become less chatty (which isn’t like me). His words and actions don’t always match. I often feel lonely when I’m with him because we don't seem to have much conversation.

It's time to move on, OP. You are noticing your ex's posts because you feel there's an emptiness in your current relationship.

This is as good as it gets with this new guy, yet you feel lonely, he interrupts you instead of really listening to what you say, and you don't feel you mean a lot to him. Why would you stay in this situation? I wouldn't dream of living with someone like that.

Hm, I've sometimes found that conversation was stilted at first but then improved a lot - so for that alone I'd give it more time.
But combined with interrupting - and him talking about moving in when you're not even making good conversation - and he's not suggesting stuff to do .. noooo.