Anyone else have an “ok” relationship with their ex after they were abusive?

[Forgivenessthekeytohappiness]

I feel like I’m the only one.

We share a daughter, and he has regular contact with her so we have to have some semblance of a relationship to co-parent, and for the most part we’re doing ok.

I will never put myself in a position for him to hurt or control me again, and we never cross each others thresholds (I stand at the end of his driveway (not long) and he stands in the communal area of my block of flats but never comes upstairs) so he’ll never be able to comment or criticize my home but we’re reached a plateau.

I’m not angry at him anymore, I’m not scared of him like I once was, so holding bitterness only negatively affects my daughter. I can chat with him about her, we sometimes have a laugh and a joke but only about her.

But today I checked on him, we lost someone who we were both close to and he was a mess at the funeral. So I checked up on him. Just a friendly “are you ok?”

I seem to be the only one. Other women I met through Women’s Aid who have been through similar say they can’t even look at their ex let alone speak to him. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends like we once were, and I definitely never want to be with him again but is what I am doing unusual? My own mother says she can’t understand why I am so friendly with him. I feel almost an outsider to the other women at WA.

It sometimes feels like I’m downplaying what he did to me. I don’t know, I have PTSD and will never work fulltime because of that but I feel like I’ve moved on. I’ve not had another partner since I left him but in terms of my life I’ve moved forwards and dwelling on everything will only bring me and my mental health down. I have forgiven him even though I know he doesn’t care and isn’t sorry, but it’s what I had to do to heal.

Am I teaching my daughter a bad lesson? I don’t want her thinking this is good if it’s a bad thing to teach her.

My guess is that you're still codependent.

When was the last time he was truly concerned about you?

My ExH and I have managed to get along fine since maybe a year post split. We arent best friends or anything but talk normally to each other, chat, show a polite interest in each others health or financial worries. We have give and take in our Co parenting relationship.

We have less contact now the children are teens but have survived 10 years apart ok.

After almost 20 years, I can now say hello if I see him in town. That's as much headspace as I'm willing to give him.

When was the last time he was truly concerned about you?

I have no idea, but then he never knows anything about me as I never share anything.

My relationship with my ex is very up and down. He’s angry at me at the moment so he withheld maintenance as my punishment. I’m being punished for not meeting up with him on the weekend. He’s exceptionally abusive and disordered so I try and limit contact as much as I can.

I don’t feel bitter I just feel indifferent. My ex would love to be friends with a view to getting back together. The latter will never happen and he’s such a toxic person I can’t even entertain being civil never mind friendship.

I have no idea, but then he never knows anything about me as I never share anything.

He doesn't ask after your wellbeing though, does he? He doesn't apologise for (in whatever way) brutalising and traumatising you. He doesn't give a shit. And yet following a mutual loss, you were checking on him.

Did he check on you? He didn't, did he.

Do you get self esteem from continuing to care for and look after this abuser despite receiving nothing back from him? Were there martyrish elements in your family of origin?

If you’re in control and have those set boundaries that’s something you didn’t have before, and if the arrangements you have are safe and you are able to be civil then it’s the best thing you can do for your child.

I do get on with my ex, split 2 years ago. He was verbally abusive and threatening and an alcoholic, all at times rather than continuously.

I believe I teach my kids firstly not to stand for mistreatment and can walk away, that mum and dad can get on. We have a new normal so to speak. He doesn't spend much time with them nor can he come into my house for longer periods but when we see each other/FaceTime, we are pleasant and friendly. He and his ex were at each other's throats for years and I saw how it damaged the kids. I didn't want it to be like that for me. Obviously if he became much worst, I'd rethink things but for now, we get on.

Have you or are you in therapy?

Do you get self esteem from continuing to care for and look after this abuser despite receiving nothing back from him?

No I don't feel much at all if I'm honest, all I thought was he's my daughters father.

Were there martyrish elements in your family of origin?

Not that I'm aware of

Have you or are you in therapy?

Have had it in the past just after we split

No,it's been 10 years and I still can't allow him any room in my life. He was awful to me over many years and I can't forget or forgive him for it. However I don't think about him day to day anymore and couldn't care less what he's doing as long as he's nowhere near me.

So I checked up on him. Just a friendly “are you ok?”

What did you hope to achieve? I just wonder if you need to feel like a good person as you risked getting sucked back in and usually out actions have some payback.

I only have electronic contact with abusive Ex. There is no way I would open myself up to anything other than logistics re children as anything I say would be used against me so it grey rock all the way. I was naive when we first separated and thought we could be amicable but he is so destructive that I had to cut all contact.

Yes, I get on ok with mine - but only after quite a lot of therapy.

I will never ever trust him again, and I won’t spend time with him one-to-one unless I have to, e.g. talking about something school related, which can be complicated, so easier in person than by email.

I think it’s easier on the children than the alternatives. However, that certainly won’t be true (or possible) for everyone.

Yes I'm exactly the same and I don't understand why I even give him a minute of my time!

He was abusive in every way with drug and mental health issues. He was either fine and well or completely psychotic.

We split 7 years ago. Since then, when he is "fine and well" he saw the children whenever he wanted, at my home. We would talk and text about the children when needed and some general conversation, though I didn't talk too much about myself.

When he was unwell, which could last for months, he was banned. I had two protection orders against him while married and another one in the early years of separating.

However I never hated him. I wouldn't be alone with him but I didn't wish him harm and would help when needed.

I'm always asked why I'm so nice to him and honestly I don't know why?? I never had counselling, ptsd or similar.

I have a new partner and am happy.

But I always feel like my coping so well with everything that he did to me must mean there is something wrong with me.

However last October the police gave me another protection order and he now can't contact me in any way for two years so I am relieved I don't have to deal with him now.

I don't have any kind of relationship with my abusive, narcissistic ex husband.

He was a liar, a cheat and every kind of abusive.

The children don't want to see him and neither do I.

I don't think it's healthy to have any kind of relationship with an abusive ex except in regards to the formalities of co-parenting. I also think you're still codependent, at least subconsciously. I certainly would step away and not engage in anything other than formal communication with regards to your DC. An abusive ex is still an abusive ex and he no doubts still believes he has control of you at least in part while you behave this way.

@CardsforKittens

I think we want to believe that it's easier on the children when the reality is it depends. Mine still remember the violence, me acting like its ok between us would almost validate that it's ok the violence was nothing really. An abusive ex is an abusive ex and no doubt by women doing "what's right" it plays to the abusers ego that they still have control even if just in part.

VikVal Yes, I agree it depends, and that’s one of the things I considered in therapy. I answered the OP’s question according to my experience, but I definitely don’t think my situation would be ok for everyone.

I don’t think I’m doing “what’s right” but I’m doing what I think will best protect my children, given that they spend half their time with my ex, because when we split up 10 years ago he was a SAHD and their primary carer. If we lived in a world where there were appropriate consequences for male abuse of women, my children would be living with me full time and none of us would have contact with my ex / their dad.

It sounds like you’re doing ok OP. I think it’s only a sign that you’re human, saying a few words as he’s grieving.

I’m two years split from my ex.
It was covert narcissism I was subject to, it absolutely floored me and I was in bits for several months, but learning about what was going on really helped me.

We have a ds8 who is in 60:40 care so we have to see each other an awful lot. Right now there is a bullying scenario at his school so we’re talking about this a lot to each other.

I think it’s important to show to ds that people can communicate after they split up, and as he grows he’ll perhaps understand that although we didn’t want to be with each other anymore that we have to communicate as he’s both our son, and we’re civil out of love for him. I don’t think showing bitterness or anger is the right thing to do although I can appreciate if the abuse is physical then it’s difficult. Sorry that’s a bit garbled.