Money while on maternity leave!

[GirlOnIt]

Not married and we don't have a joint account, which I don't want. We did before but split for a while and right now I prefer us keeping money separate.
But I'm trying to figure out what is fair. Currently Dp pays the majority of the bills, I pay for food and my own car and then stuff for the kids. He has more left over than me, the majority he does save and he'll give me anything I ask for. But I don't really like asking and with my pay due to go down, I'm wondering if I should ask him to pay food shopping too? Only then I feel I'd be paying nothing but my stuff really and the kids clothes/activities. I get child benefit too and gd outs money into kids savings accounts for them.
Or do I ask for a joint account/card that I can buy extras I need?

Are you planning on this being a long term relationship? If so, both incomes are joint family money with you both having the same amount of personal money regardless of earnings. All savings are joint. No asking for money - you are not a child needing pocket money.

I know that's the Mumsnet ideal @Parker231. But I'm sure not everyone wants to do it that way. For now I don't and got us to have the same money left over, it means him paying all the bills/household expenses and me just spending my money on me and some of the kids stuff. I guess like that I feel it seems a bit unfair.

Why don't you have a credit card which you both have cards to, he can pay the bill

I might suggest that @okiedokieme. He hates credit cards though, he has one for emergency use only.

I haven't mentioned anything to him yet, I'm sure he'll be fine with whatever I suggest. I'm the one feeling funny about it. Like I'm expecting him to pay for everything but yet I'm the one not wanting a joint account.

The fact that you think he will react well is a great start. You just need to talk honestly about how you feel!

I financially planned my maternity leave very well, but a large unexpected bill and cancellation of staff bonuses (due to company performance not me personally) meant that I was about £5k down on my plan.

My other half is a generous person by default, he handed over his credit card and told me to use as needed for household expenses. Great! Err, no. Neither of us saw ahead how weird it would be, as I've always been financially independent. I didn't feel guilty about spending what I needed to spend but resentment did creep in on both sides. This is in the context of further unexpected bills knocking us for six, and a difference in approach as to how we manage money. I overplan to the nth degree, he wings it. He was shocked at how much I spent because he didn't factor in how much it would cost or have the patience to understand the budget, I felt guilty and like I had to justify every penny... it wasn't a good time. All over lack of communication. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

We are fine now, I'm back at work in a higher paying job but I wish we had talked properly and done the joint account/budget thing. It would have been a lot less stressful for both of us.

What about setting up a joint account for household spending that you both pay into? You can change how much you pay in depending on how much you have coming in, and you both keep your own accounts and keep an amount you've both decided on.

So either you both keep exactly the same amount for your own uses, or both keep the same percentages may be? Totally up to you both to decide that.

I honestly don’t care about the concept of family money. It is a choice that works for some and not others. As long as there is no abuse or advantage taking, do what you want.

But I can’t stand the way people have “genderised” bills that fall to a man or a woman. It drives me nuts to hear a woman say she is responsible for kids stuff and childcare. Whilst her OH pays the mortgage etc.

In your shoes I would pay a contribution to mortgage and keep some readies for your personal stuff. Then make your husband fund his children’s needs and actually have an understanding of what that is. It may stand you both in good stead should you split.

I can’t stand the way people have “genderised” bills that fall to a man or a woman. It drives me nuts to hear a woman say she is responsible for kids stuff and childcare. Whilst her OH pays the mortgage etc

Different strokes for different folks.

It works for many people and as most women sort out child related expenses, it's often easier for them to pay for those things.

It doesn't really matter how it's done, as long as it works for the couple.

It does matter who pays what bills.

For an unmarried couple, a man who pays the mortgage and bills can claim more of a share of a house as he has maintained it. A house is usually an appreciating asset. He puts money into his pension over which she has no claim.

“Women's money” goes on things like food, holidays, activities for the children and clothes that are ephemeral or don’t appreciate.

Women paying all the childcare costs gives the impression that her wages are lower, her job is less important and therefore she should do more housework and childcare.

To be fair it was just the most practical way to do it @LemonTT. I'm home with the kids so groups, days out etc I'm spending money. We did split for a while but he continued paying the mortgage so that's from his account. The other bills are actually in my name (other than sky and Netflix because I never got round to changing that). He just transfers the money into my account for them. So I guess I'm asking him to transfer more money so that food is covered too.
He does buy things for the children though and he knows how much things cost and what they need.
When I'm back at work he'll be paying childcare though.

I'm sure him paying the mortgage doesn't mean he'll get more of the house @SHAR0N. We're joint tenants so it's a 50/50 split.
Also I'm returning to work so will be paying into my own pension.,

I think I just feel bad because I'm asking him to pay more, so I've got more spare money. I wouldn't think twice if I needed more. But I could manage on what I have and I'd be ok, but once my money goes down I won't have much for me.

DH and I both have separate accounts that our wages go into. We then have a joint account that we both pay an agreed amount into which is then used for all family/home related payments. DH earns almost double to me so we agreed that a fair contribution works out to be about 70/30 split of costs on paper - We both have money left over in our accounts which is for our own use etc. I could actually afford 50/50 but wouldn't have much left for my own savings. Plus as I do most of the weekday childcare owning to the nature of his longer hours etc. It balances out with the money i save him/us. We both take equal responsibility for housework.

When I was on Mat Leave we recalculated based on the change in income I had because it effected us as a family and the contribution split went to more like 85/15 with us both having 'less' personal money but neither of us having nothing!

You'll find once you're off and paying for baby food / clothes / lunches for you etc you won't care where the money's coming from as long as you have some in your pocket!!

I think I just feel bad because I'm asking him to pay more, so I've got more spare money.

Conversely, does your DP feel bad having more spare money than you while you're on maternity leave after having his DC?

I'm already off @turnthebiglightoff. Dd was born in November. Ds was only one in October, so had maternity, went back for a few months and off again. I was better prepared for the first one and had access to the joint account then anyway. Hoping to take a year off this time though so I will have some time unpaid too.

I don't think he's got a clue how much I've got @BonnesVacances. He spends less than me though, a lot of his money goes into savings and he'll spend that on holidays and stuff for the house too.