My friend is annoyed because I don’t often answer the phone

[Dinkywinky245]

I have a close friend and we used to chat quite frequently on the phone. Since having my second baby, I simply don’t have the time. A short conversation is fine, but conversations often last 40mins - and I feel they’d go on longer if I didn’t cut them short. I find it much easier to text. I’m not particularly a phone call type of person anyway - but am I being unkind to ignore phone calls?

I watch the phone ring and wait for people to text.

Has your friend said she's annoyed? Are the chats mostly her talking and you listening?

Well if you could spare some time then halfway through say you have to go and do something and it was nice chatting to them!

Are you local to them and would meeting up help? Some people love to chat on the phone. I hate it! Texter here too!

Yes - she was clearly annoyed about it at the weekend. She phoned me yesterday evening - and just now. I feel like she monopolises the conversation / although she does ask how I am - and she wants to support me.

I hate speaking on the phone... text or whatsapp please!

Thanks for the replies! I’m definitely a texted too - I’ve told her this!! It’s just so much easier to text and do other things at same time!!

Texter!

MN generally hates speaking on the phone..

Why not arrange a convenient time to speak, by text

It’s just so much easier to text and do other things at same time!!

In other words, you're not really paying attention to the person at all. Which is no doubt why your friend will be feeling rather hurt given that you used to have long conversations with her. Obviously your priorities have changed but hers haven't. I think you need to try and let her down gently but it could be the end of your friendship (although you don't sound particularly bothered).

Yes, I have said I’ll call this evening...and then I don’t. But after getting children to bed, I’m completely exhausted! During the day is good, but she’s at work.

My dsis and I often book phone chats by text in advance if we expect them to go on

Sounds like its all on her terms - her choice of contact medium (phone call) and her preferred time (evening). Tell her you’re happy to text during the day but too busy for evening chats now you're a mother of two small children.

Well, your evening exhaustion is just as valid a reason for a phone call being inconvenient, as her daytime work is. What about a weekly chat on a weekend daytime?

I think you need to compromise and show a little bit of commitment if you want to retain the friendship. Perhaps organise a time you can meet face to face and have some proper conversation minus the kids? And try and try to find one evening to have an extra coffee and stay up a little bit to give her what she needs. In an ideal world we would be able to just pick and choose when and how we contact people, but that can only ever work for one person so find a compromise. Alternatively, explain that you have your hands very busy with two at the moment and are just absolutely exhausted, but that you appreciate her friendship and know you're being shit, but that your priorities have changed, though as soon as the kids are a bit bigger spending more time taking to her is top of your agenda.

Be honest, show your committed and try to find a compromise. Or be prepared to lose the friendship or for it to change into something else.

I can’t stand phone calls. Would be complete end of friendship stuff for me if someone kept wanting to ring rather than text / message. I find it so intrusive.

That’s great advice everyone. Thanks so much. I agree greats, a compromise is good. I’ll text and suggest we either chat daytime, or Sun morning. It DOES feel intrusive fairy. A phone call at 6.30 just doesn’t work for me! It’s clearing up dinner/bath/bedtime - and she’s knows I’m doing it on my own! I can text, I find it therapeutic as I wind down. A phone call requires a lot more energy!!

On mumsnet it's literally a sin to phone someone, second only to the CRIME of actually daring to appear at their door. All conversations need to be arranged and agreed in advance. Don't you know that people are waaaaay too busy to spare their friends half an hour for a chat.

Aww, I can definitely text a chat!! Is it really mean? I’ve just texted and explained I can do daytimes and weekends!

Although I can clearly spare 30mins to moan about it on mumsnet! Although this feels like texting.

Due to partial deafness and processing issues and anxiety I find calls hard, but every now and then I like being able to hear peoples voices. My preferred mediums are whats app, or video calls because its easier when i can see them.

Id get super angry if someone spoke to me the way she is speaking to you.

In your shoes, as Ive been similarly before, stating that you love being close to her but that as a busy mum of two now you do not have the same energy or time to sit for ages on a call, specially not every day, and could she please bear that in mind because you are too mentally exhausted to enjoy the chats.

Hi OP. I have a lovely friend just like this. Just this morning she rang me whilst I was doing the school run (not for the first time) and then text me to say I don’t love her (sort of tongue in cheek). I am a texter not a great lover of the phone. I can spare a couple of minutes whilst trying to get everything I have to get done on my days off but I just can’t commit to a 45 min chat with her. I like the idea of a set day/time so I may try this one myself

Seagull, that’s great. I shall set some boundaries, and I don’t think that’s unfair. I do get anxious about phone calls - it’s does take more mental energy than sending a text.

When my children were small the absolute last thing I wanted to do after a relentless day was to have long phone conversation.

I had a friend whose children were older and she would ring every other day expecting a long chit chat, about herself mostly. I was fond of her.

Despite trying to explain that I just didn't have that time to give her, and that was why I was ignoring the phone, she just kept ringing and ringing.

It was the end for me. I felt huge relief.
I think texting is very handy.

Blimey. Some of the replies on here!! I don’t think you are BU at all. You’ve got two kids, tired and there are not enough hours in the day! If she wants to be supportive then she shouldn’t be giving you shit for not being able to sit on the phone for an hour. Nobody with a busy family life and a new baby has got time for that crap. She should text to say “how you doing?” That’s it. Since I’ve had my kids I never answer the phone. Ever. Even to my own mother. You want me, text and I’ll call you when I’m not up to my elbows in homework, pasta, shit, screaming kids...fuck this shit. Friends do not give each other crap because they aren’t getting their own way. Life changes. We all had hours to sit on the phone as zero responsibility teenagers. If you were working as a cardiac surgeon in a hospital on shifts would anybody here be expecting you to be picking up the phone to a mate just because they rang? No. You’d be out of contact for 12 hours straight and then needing to sleep when you weren’t on duty and when you had a spare day off you’d catch up on friend phone calls. This is no different. You aren’t available anymore because you’re on permanent full time duty. Tell her to get a grip, calm the fuck down and you’ll call her once a week on a Sunday morning if the baby isn’t screaming. Other than that she needs to go find something else to do other than bugging you

Sounds like your friend doesn't have children and so has no idea about the realities of your routine now. It's not rude to ask her to give you a text before calling and to suggest times that are more likely to be convenient for you to have an actual conversation. When my DSis had her first baby we started a regular call at 9 on a Thursday. Before mobiles! It worked well for us and I knew half an hour was what she could manage before crawling into bed