How to cope with other people's minor complaints when in survival mode?

[Itsyerbirthday]

I've been just trying to just muddle through day by day for months, I am going through separation from DH amongst health worries, a child with a recent ADHD diagnosis and a clingy 12 month old baby. I am also self employed.

After a recent counselling session, it has been advised that I try to spend more time with friends. So this weekend, that is exactly what I did. And to be honest, I just feel drained by their minor complaints and moaning about rubbish. They are frustrated with the way they look, want to change this and that and I just think - you should be glad to be bloody healthy. I need to lose weight but this is at the bottom of my priority list right now and I was happy ignoring it, but now feel like I ought to be paying more attention to the way I look.

I am just trying to survive. This is it right now. But each time I see a friend- I'm left just feeling... urgh. I always think I'm doing ok and then I'm met with a friend who is fretting over whether to go on holiday 2 or 3 times this year and I just think... you're lucky to be able to afford to go once. Fretting over hair styles, what car to buy. I just have no tolerance right now. I want to see friends more, I need to connect more, but really don't want to listen to this. It all just seems so minor and leaves me feeling annoyed.

Should I just not bother?
I have so little energy right now.

Don’t then. I get you completely. I think your therapist is encouraging you to find some space to not think about all you’re going through but this isn’t it. Have a think about what that might look like for you - running? A book? Cinema? Cross-stitch? Anything where you’re in the moment and not thinking about your worries...

Hmmm. It’s possible to worry about big and small things at the same time. Have you been sharing what you’re dealing with with your friends? Do they know how tough everything feels for you?

You wouldn’t feel better about your worries if they shared they have big stuff going on, maybe they’re not because they know you have enough on your plate.

I have friends who are dealing with big challenges but can’t fix them so will talk about holidays or hair cuts or other fun/distraction type things. I’ve done it myself, I’m sure most people have.

I think I’m trying to say that it’s fine to make space around you if you’re finding your friends irritating but you’re very judgemental of their conversation and could be being unfair about their lives being shallow when most people have shit to deal with that’s exhausting and sometimes distressing that they’re not choosing to pick over during lunch or a night out. It’s not meant to be group therapy, it’s meant to be a meeting of friends who all have their own lives, complications, challenges.

Can you compartmentalise at all?

Think 'OK, this, this and this are fucking shit, but I am going to switch my brain off, get out of the house and spend a couple of hours talking about hairstyles and clothes'?

It helps me. It's an escape from the crap. And God knows, sometimes I really need it.

Compartmentalising is a good idea.

If it stresses you out, don't force yourself to do it! Xx

When you’re in survival mode you tend to have little patience for other peoples trivial crap. I worked with a woman who would rant at length over the most mundane incident and how it made her FEEL. It drove me bonkers.

I would avoid the annoying friends until things settle down for you.

Couldn't agree more. You have enough on your plate

If your friends are not adding anything to your life at the moment, I would seek enjoyment from something else , like a pp said go to the cinema, museum, sit in a cafe and read a book.

Be gentle with yourself and if you have to plod through a stage of life, atm, you do what is right for you!

If you find your friends annoying don't meet up them.

But I think you are being a bit unfair to them. Sounds like they aren't really complaining, just discussing their lives. Talking about what car to buy for example, it's a big decision plus it's something people are normally interested in, I don't think it's "fretting" to discuss different possibilities. It's just conversation. Same with hair styles. Style and beauty is a common conversation topic, what's wrong with discussing what's in fashion right now and what might suit someone.

Sometimes it's good to just relax with friends and discuss the lighter side of life. If you can't right now then fair enough. But that doesn't mean they are wrong or shallow. If they all they talked about was brexit, climate change and corona virus, would that be better?

I totally understand where you are coming from. When my son died I had zero patience for petty issues that meant nothing. Sure it was important to them but it just seemed so pathetic and I couldn’t stand to hang out with them for a long time. Even now sometimes I get annoyed when they complain about their acrylic nails not lasting as long as they should have (for example) yet they have never experienced loss, have oodles of money, holiday homes, trips overseas every year and you just think STFU!!!!!