Can someone feel the effects of abuse even thought they don't think it was abuse?

[Gettingolderbutnotwiser]

We have had a few relationship problems. One being that my dp always seems to reject my advances ( it is ok, if he comes on to me)- he has always seemed ,to me, that he is a bit affronted if I assert myself to him. One time I was a little bit over enthusiastic when being intimate with him ( nothing too strong, just a little bit rough when handling him and I stopped straight away, when he said ouch). I would never want to force him, in to anything he is not happy with, no way.

I have a theory , he confided in me ( years ago)that , at very young age (7) he lost his virginity with and 13 year old. Up til that point , he said he thought nothing of it- just started early. I said that I thought that could be classed as abuse?

Can someone feel the effects of abuse even thought they don't think it was abuse?

I have persuaded him to go to counselling. He said he has spoken fully to the counsellor and they agree that he has no issues, in regards to this.

I feel really guilty admitting this, but I feel jealous of the counsellor, why can't he talk fully to me ? And Iyet do feel like there is undercurrent , of the effects of the 'abuse' ,silently flowing through our sexual relationship.

I'm not trying to make it about me, but I kinda feel like I should be able to express myself in the bedroom and he says that he likes this, but when I do try, I get mixed signal and I know deep down he is uncomfortable with me doing this.
Sorry, if this doesn't make sense- it doesn't to me!

Bumping this for you because I can't offer any useful advice and hopefully someone else will be able to.

But your post did leave me wondering whether your DP had many counselling sessions. And whether you know for certain that he actually has seen a counsellor? Assuming he has, the problem is that you simply have no way of knowing what was discussed other than what he chooses to tell you afterwards.

Seven is a horrifically young age for a child to lose their virginity and for him to have no issues from that sounds remarkable to my mind. I wonder whether the thirteen year old girl instigated the act in such a way that he, being only seven, was not able to exert any control over or extract himself from that situation and that has affected his ability to deal with his feelings when you take the lead rather than him. I think you are right to wonder whether historic abuse is affecting your relationship.

That wouldn't be a loss of virginity.

That would be a monstrous rape.

I don't believe any counsellor would say that.

People suffer horribly from abuse, even if they don’t recognise it as such. A lot of times people protect themselves by telling themselves it wasn’t abuse precisely because if they admit it to themselves they’ll go to pieces. It’s very complex, and none of it good.
And no, that wasn’t losing his virginity, that was sexual abuse.

At 7 your DP won’t have been clear what was going on and, yes, it was abuse in spite of the fact the perpetrator was herself a child. I’d be slightly surprised if a counsellor trained in this area suggested your DP had emerged with no adverse effects from this experience. You are struggling with your partner’s need for control in your sexual relationship and it might be helpful for you to seek your own therapy about this. Your partner doesn’t have to deal with this issue whilst he gets to control it. Continually being rejected if you make the first move will leave you feeling resentful and frustrated. Do you ever get to say no or is it sex on his terms or not at all?

I imagine it is possible he might tell himself (and you) it wasn't abuse because admitting it was will raise up all manner of other feelings that it's easier to avoid.