Has relate counselling saved anyone’s marriage?

[SerenavanderWoodson]

I’ve posted before about DH issues with problematic drinking and received great support which helped me see clearly. We are now separated and he has agreed to see a relate counsellor, and has not been drinking for a month. The drinking aside, I’m sceptical about how much a counsellor can help, but desperately want to save my marriage. I’m looking for positive stories where it has helped, if they exist?

Why do you want to save your marriage at all?. That is a question you need to ask yourself. Whose sake is that really for?.

Let him see the relate counsellor on his own if he wants; he will likely try and get this person to be on his side. You are right to be sceptical about how much a relate counsellor could help at all because he is really paying lip service to the underlying problem which is his own alcoholism. After all your H's primary relationship is still with drink and he not having drunk for a month means nothing really. You have separated from him for good reason, continue to remain separated from him as well.

I appreciate your comment, but I want to save my marriage because I meant my vows, and would like to do anything I can before giving up. I’m just looking for any positive stories of where it has helped others to help me navigate a difficult time.

It might be better for him to have counselling by himself for a while to help him with his drinking issues.
Then see a relationship counsellor.

@Serena, what @AttilaTheMeerkat says is right.

We had counseling and it helped us to communicate better, BUT!!!! neither or us had an addiction problem. We were just a bog standard couple caught up in life and needed to learn to listen each other again.

Relate counseling is not going to help in your situation until he had COMPLETELY dealt with his addiction.

I'm sorry.

He’s not addicted to drinking. I just added context so as not to drip feed. Again, was just looking for some positive examples of how relate has helped others.

I used relate and thought it was brilliant. It really helped us. The counsellor didnt take sides and it was so helpful to have someone neutral in the room to help us navigate our problems.
We used to really enjoy going!

Not Relate, and no addiction, but we are still just about hanging in there with the aid of a counsellor. We’ve got plenty of problems, not all of our own making, but we love each other and wouldn’t be together now without her help.

I think you need to want to save your marriage because you absolutely love him, know that he's good for you and believe you can have a healthy and happy relationship together, not just because you've said your vows.

Relate told my ex-husband and I that they were specifically not a service to help/support people to mend their marriages and often found it best to give people support to separate instead. So if that would help you, cool, but don't go there looking for someone you can rely on to be working in the interests of your marital relationship.

It helped me because it showed me that I really didn’t want to be with that person anymore - sorry - maybe not the positive you were looking for

If he's not addicted to drinking then I'm sure he can give up completely if his drinking is seriously affecting your relationship. Has he sought any support with his problematic drinking such as AA or seen a GP? Was it his suggestion to see a Relate counsellor or, are you single highhandedly trying to save your relationship?

Perhaps you should use this opportunity while you're separated to work on yourself. Try CoDA

Relate told my ex-husband and I that they were specifically not a service to help/support people to mend their marriages and often found it best to give people support to separate instead.

That isn’t entirely correct. Relate counsellors will work with a couple/individual to achieve whatever it is that person(s) hopes to achieve. It may be that during the course of counselling, or indeed from the start, it becomes apparent that the couple want to end their relationship and the counsellor will work with them to achieve this with as little acrimony as possible. On the other hand, if a couple want to work through any difficulties with a view to staying together then the counsellor will work with them in an attempt to achieve this.

I'm not sure relationship counsellors can work for people unless they both really want to be there - is DH agreeing to this in a positive, engaged way, or in a "I'll do it because you think we should" way? Because that will impact on what you get out of it.

I would recommend going to at least some sessions in terms of doing all you can to save your marriage, because knowing that you couldn't have done more would be important in healing if the relationship doesn't survive. But I would echo that relationship counselling is not necessarily what DH needs at this stage.