When to tell the dc about new relationship

[Momoko3000]

Looking for some help. I have 3 dc and I've recently started seeing someone with 1 dc. We've been good friends for a year or so.

His and my eldest ds are in the same class. I live in a small village so news travels fast. We've not been super "out there" with our relationship due to the dc. We don't want to rush telling them that we're more than friends. It's also complicated by the fact he has his dc full time so no free time for dates etc.

However. The more people that know, the more likely they're going to find out (year 6). How do we tell them? This is my first relationship since divorcing. When do we tell them? Its really going to be hard to keep it from them long term. How do other people deal with this? I appreciate any advice thank you.

Let them know that you're friends first. Let them see you spend more time together. Let it occur naturally and answer any questions along the way.

Thank you. We're making it more obvious at school drop off/pick up that we're chatting. Kids giving him the side eye but no questions as yet. He fixed my car and I mentioned it to them but nothing mentioned. I may be just have very uninterested dc! 😂 I guess we'll just keep doing that. I would hate it though if another child said something and they didn't realise until then. I don't want to upset them.

Given the small village environment, you need to be honest with your children. Them finding out from someone else will not do your relationship with them any favours.

Just tell them you're dating.

But don't be tempted to push things on just because they're aware.

You need to tell them you’re going out with him, before someone else does

How long have you been separated from their Dad?

You know whats best for your children, I told my son after about three months so he knew who I was going to see. He’d been hearing about my boyfriend for about three months before they met.

Thanks for your replies. I've been separated from their dad for 3 years now. Neither of us with other people till now. (That I know of anyway) definitely need to make sure they are aware before anyone else tells them but also not push it in their faces.

It's much harder than I thought it would be to address it all. I don't know if this new relationship will last so I'm worried I'll tell them and it's all for nothing(although I hope it does). It's all new to me. Ideally I'd like to be more secure in the new relationship before telling them so it just feels a bit rushed.

Any tips for sitting them down and saying to them? They know him as the dad of X already. Thank you.

Don't make it a big deal - you don't know whether it'll work out or where it's going - so just say something like you've decided to start dating [name]. I wouldn't have a sit-down serious talk about it - keep it light. Don't fast-forward it into something it isn't.

Ok thank you. I might start by saying that. I hope they take it well. Might try at weekend and see how we go. Thank you.

Oh god, no, definitely don’t ‘sit them down’. Just say you’re going out to dinner/the movies/lunch or whatever with ‘Fred’ and take it from there

Sometimes what we want (to be more secure in your relationship before telling them- in this case) just isn’t possible (in this case because others might tell them) & we just have to do what’s best in the given situation.

It’s beeen 3 years since you split from their Dad. That’s a more than ‘decent’ time! They’re kids and most kids just want their Mum & Dad back together but when it’s been a good while, you can be very clear with them that’s not going to happen and both you & their Dad are adults and can date other people.

I’m not one if the ‘leave it 10 years until you introduce the new man to your kids brigade, I don’t think it does them any harm to see you having a happy relationship with someone and IF you were to break up, to see you dealing with that. As long as you still spend time alone with the kids and don’t move in together to soon I think it’s nice to all do things together.

I hope things go well with him for you 🌷

Thank you. I really like him so hope it works out. I've been mentioning him a bit more so they're not so shocked by us being good friends. If we were in a city i dont think I'd be so worried. It is just them finding out from someone else that worries me.

I'm just overthinking it all! It'll be fine and in a couple of years I'll look back and wonder why the stress!

I had to tell mine sooner than I planned OP, and I hadn't been split that long from their dad. Problem was he lived so close there was a very good chance they would have seen me with my BF. Plus ex knew and I didn't quite trust him not to let something slip so I had to tell them. I didn't want them finding out by accident.

I just said one day I was going out and DD immediately said "ooooo what's his name?" I was a bit lucky that way as I didn't have to try and bring it up. I just mentioned BFs name and reminded them where they knew him from, they had met him before we were together so he wasn't a total unknown. I was surprised that they immediately wanted to meet him. I was going to let them get used to the idea for a while. They met and we've very gradually upped the amount of time they see him. DD loves him and is very happy for us. DS has struggled more as he always told me he would never accept me being with anyone else and it's like he's determined to stick by that even though he clearly does quite like DP, it's like he tries to force himself not to. He's getting there though and DP is very engaging with him.

I also don't buy into the MN insistence that you cannot introduce a partner until it's been a gazillion years and you are about to get married. I think you need to find out early on if a new partner works with your children. Better to find out months in rather than years down the line.

I don't think it's you shouldn't introduce a partner until it's been a gazillion years - more you shouldn't have him staying over / move him in / have the dc get too emotionally involved with him early on.

I don't think there's anything wrong in telling your dc you're dating, that you're dating a specific person or that you have a boyfriend - and nothing wrong with it not working out and telling them that too. It's rushing into spending loads of time together and into domestic life together that's foolish and unfair on dc.

Just be honest, say (whilst doing something fun, sitting them down over emphasises it) that you have been on a few dates with xxx's dad and you both like each other, that maybe you can all hang out together sometimes, then arrange a low key outing with the emphasis on the kids having fun not you two

She doesn't need to move it into family outings - all she's worried about is the dc being told externally. She can tell them and still not get them involved. It's good to just date and enjoy that part, why push it on?

Thanks everyone. Yeah I'm not sure about the outings side of things but letting them know he's in my life, that's the bit I need to develop. I've started mentioning him a bit more- oh I saw him today, he looked at my car (changed fuse) etc. So far my dc pretty uninterested. He thinks his ds is more aware of us texting but he (ds) doesn't talk about these things so nothing else said as yet. We're in no rush- enjoying this part- so taking it slowly with the dc. I think we're just overthinking! I think I'll just drop casually in conversation that he's asked me to go for a walk or coffee. See how that goes. Thanks everyone. No one told me about this part of post-divorce life! Others make it look so easy and stress free (I appreciate it's not but it looks it!)