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Original poster

Husband and mental health

27 replies

goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 22:34

Sorry if this ends up long. I always thought my relationship with my husband was great. We had some really tough things to go through together and I thought we were solid as a couple. Until I found out that he is an alcoholic. Stupidly I had he no idea! He was still holding down and good job, being a good husband/dad etc. He has done amazingly and has stopped drinking and as far as I know (and nothing to suggest I’m wrong to believe him) he hasn’t drank for over a year now. The problem is that since he stopped drinking he has been depressed/ had anxiety. He goes to AA regularly but hasn’t got any mental health support. I’ve tried to be supportive but he won’t talk about any of his feelings with me and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I struggled with anxiety after our last child and it got really bad when I found out about his drinking but I am doing well at the moment and the only anxieties I’m having are about him. I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to bring up something that has upset me or annoyed me he twists it around to be about me making him feel bad and shuts down the conversation. I want to support him but this has been going on for so long now that it’s really starting to wear me down. I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset by anything and everything revolves around his mood. I’ve suggested that he sees a counsellor but he says he doesn’t want to. I don’t really know what my question is but I guess it’s how do I support him without being worn down myself. Thanks

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 22:38

So sorry you're living with this.

He needs to see a doctor and get medication and/or therapy. I would ask him to do it for you if he won't do it for himself. xx

LisBethSalander07 · 26/01/2020 22:45

Sounds really tough, OP.

His needs aren't any more or any less important than yours, and a home when one of you is constantly walking on eggshells isn't a good environment to bring kids up in.

I think you need to be a lot firmer here and start saying that it's not an option if your marriage is to survive. It sounds as though he's been gaslighting you about his drinking, and is still doing it about his recovery.

Flowers
Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 22:45

Sorry I should have said that he’s taking Setraline. He’s been on it a while and the dose was put up a little while ago. It has made a difference but not enough and it just feels like it’s not dealing with the underlying issues that caused him to drink in the first place. Not that I really have any understanding of what that is either!

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EKGEMS · 26/01/2020 23:03

You aren't responsible for his behavior this has to be addressed by him alone

Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 23:08

That’s the problem though, he’s addressed his drinking but nothing else. I know it doesn’t sound like it but we genuinely have a family worth fighting for and it’s no where near the point where I would want to walk away but I can’t imagine just plodding along like this for who knows how long.

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Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 23:10

We’ve just had a great couple of days away just the 2 of us but as soon as we got home it was like a switch went

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Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 23:13

There are dozens of meds they can try, he could keep going back so they can try something else or a higher dose. They will eventually hit on something that works for him better than his current prescription.

You could also insist he has therapy etc for the sake of your relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 26/01/2020 23:19

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

Just incase - Are you sure it is entirely a mental health issue and not also personality disorder issue of some sort? It's just you mention about everything being twisted back on you when you try to just have a conversation...narcissists are inclined to do that. They also often claim 'depression' and other mental health issues to get you to excuse their behaviour.

Assuming this isn't the case but thought it worth a mention.

KellyHall · 26/01/2020 23:19

I would definitely insist that he must get counselling. Be that by himself, together, or a combination.

My first husband was like this and eventually we'd disconnected so much, I actually felt relief when he left me because I didn't have him as a burden any longer. Everything had to be on his terms, so he wasn't made any more depressed, my thoughts/feelings/opinions always came second.

He's since apologised to me for being so self-centred and selfish. I promised myself I'd never put anyone that far ahead of myself again.

Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 23:36

Pinkbonbon, thanks for the suggestion but I probably made it sound more than it is. I’ll give an example, this evening I tried to talk to him about how he’d acted since we got back from weekend away and he straight away became defensive and started telling me to stop because I was making him feel awful. It just always ends up with me feeling bad for bringing it up when actually I’m trying to tell him he’s done something or said something to upset/frustrate me.

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Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 23:38

@KellyHall that sounds a lot like I’m feeling. I want it to get better though as I know how happy we can be together and I don’t want to get to that point of no return

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Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 26/01/2020 23:40

I feel bad as I know he’s really struggling but I also just feel so frustrated that he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to get better. It sounds so selfish of me but I want it to stop just being about how he feels

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KellyHall · 27/01/2020 00:10

Wanting him to show that he still cares about his family as much as he cares about himself is not you being selfish, it's a perfectly reasonable expectation of a husband/father. You've got to make him understand the severity of the situation and that he needs to make the effort to re-engage, while the rest of you actually care about keeping him part of the family.

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 27/01/2020 01:26

I have no suggestions unfortunately but wanted to comment that I was with someone who was like this for 17 years. Every time I tried to tell him I was upset by something he did, he would shut the conversation down immediately with things like "There you go, bringing me down again!". Nothing ever got resolved. If there was a problem, I either had to bury it completely or get into a never ending argument. I don't know if this is narcissistic behaviour, selfishness or something else but it's horrible to manage. Sure, the little things can get buried but the bigger things just get put into a slow release resentment pile that eat away at you over time.

MyuMe · 27/01/2020 03:47

I would have thought giving up the drinking improved mental health but obviously not. Alcohol is a depressant and I would have thought that it improved mental health to quit

Is it the case that he says things like that makes me feel even worse when you pull him up for behaviour?

LangSpartacusCleg · 27/01/2020 05:13

I think you should go AlAnon. It is a support group for families of alcoholics. It will help you understand your DH and your responses to him.

Please google AlAnon and consider attending. And, if you have any reservations about going to a meeting, consider that those reservations are probably very similar to those your DH had before attending AA.

Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 27/01/2020 06:08

@OMGMyLifeIsCrazy that’s exactly it. There’s no big arguments it’s just little things that I have to keep buried. The sort of things that would usually be put out into the open and sorted out really quickly. Last night he walked off And went to bed after telling me to stop and nearly crying and the atmosphere is still awful this morning and he’s barely said 2 words. It was such a small issue that should have been resolved just by a 5minute chat but instead it ended up with me feeling shit and barely sleeping all night

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Mitzicoco · 27/01/2020 06:14

I would imagine that the alcohol was numbing/masking something that was already there. Could he have had some kind of post natal depression?

CatsGoPurrrr · 27/01/2020 06:17

You say you didn’t k ow that your husband was an alcoholic because he Masked it so well.
It is entirely possible that without alcohol this is the ‘real him’.
Your post is all focussed on your Dh. What about you and your DC? If your DH won’t seem further treatment or, this is how he is without drink, there is nothing wrong with putting you and the kids first and spitting up.

Cherrysherbet · 27/01/2020 06:20

Op my dh has depression also. It’s totally shit. I know exactly where you’re coming from. He was on setraline (sp) for 7 months, and they were the wrong drug for him. It was awful, I lost him more and more as time went on. He is now on venlafaxine, and seems much better. We are not out of the woods by any stretch, but it feels like we are getting somewhere at last.

Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 27/01/2020 06:32

@CatsGoPurrrr he wasn’t drinking the whole time we’ve been together as I know what point it started from so I know how he can be and that’s how I want it to be again. Maybe you’re right and he has changed though I guess as it’s been about 5 years since he started drinking. I think he just finds talking about his feelings to hard so shuts down anything that might be even slightly distressing for him. I think that’s why he ended up drinking in the first place too. It just means that the underlying issues carry on though. @Cherrysherbert, I’m glad to hear that things are heading in the right direction for you. I will suggest he speaks to his GP about maybe trying some different medication

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bollocksitshappenedagain · 27/01/2020 06:50

I could have written your first post. My ex had alcohol issues although how dependent he was only became clear when he needed to cut down / stop

In theory he had stopped drinking for around 10 years when we split but in reality I never felt he was comfortable not drinking. He would lapse every 6 months or so and also started supplementing with co cocodamal.

He was on anti depressants but didn't look after his health in anyway - didn't eat well, no fresh air or exercise etc -would never go back to doctors in time when even I could see he was struggling and getting worse.

I always felt on edge waiting for the next episode - I don't know if the issues had already been there and alcohol masked it or whether all the years of alcohol (and previously weed) exacerbated / created it. He could not copy with day to day life and it's little stresses at all.

I ended it and we have been split 18 months and honestly my life is so much happier - no tension in the house. I had t realised how much low level stress I was constantly under until it was gone.

Despite telling me I was the cause of his drinking and how he was going to be fine now he still had issues and only now does he actually seem to be putting in proper effort and going to groups etc and I think that's only because he has been pushed into it by work / occupational health.

He needs to take responsibility and resolve this because it drags you down living under that negativity. Children can sense it the atmosphere as well.

Mitzicoco · 27/01/2020 09:14

Alcoholism is a disease. Nobody wakes up one morning and think, I know! I'll become an alcoholic! In the same way depression is a serious illness. Would you leave your partner if they had a terrible accident and ended up disabled? The point is all these things are not miles apart it's just a question of how people look at it.

Mitzicoco · 27/01/2020 09:17

I should add physically disabled

Original poster
goodthoughtsandsunbeams · 27/01/2020 09:35

@Mitzicoco no where have I suggested that I leave him. I have absolutely no intention of that. Just as no where have I suggested that one day he woke up and decided to be an alcoholic. There was things that don’t need to be put here that led to that but this it what I’m saying about his tackling the alcohol dependency but not the underlying issues that led him there in the first place. I’m asking for advice about how to support him whilst he is not appearing to be trying to help himself. I’m trying to keep my family together and happy but it’s hard

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