Dealing with your ex

[anotherdisaster]

I'll try to keep this brief. Ended long term relationship nearly 3 years ago. Ex did not take it well at all and was vile for a long time. Since then its been up and down but generally ok. He doesn't really make a massive effort with the kids. Has them EOW and a couple of hours midweek.
He's never paid full maintenance due to his sob stories of not being able to afford it etc. To be honest I let him off because I just wanted an easy, quiet life.
He now has new gf who has met our 2DC. I hoped he would be happy and therefore stop being an arse. He has recently found out I have a boyfriend (he hasnt met DC) and has been sending nasty messages. I asked him to have the kids one night so I could attend a funeral wake and he said no, and was generally unpleasant. So I told him I would now be going to the cms to claim what he should be paying me.
My question is - do I go through with it? I'm just really worried about the awful backlash I already predict will come if I do. Or do I just carry on leaving things as they are?

Of course you do, why wouldn’t you?
Look, separate the issues here.
One, he needs to pay for his kids.
Two, he is being abusive. Ignore all text messages and inform him you’ll only communicate through email. That you will check once a week.
Three, none of anyone’s business if you or him have a new partner. The only business you have together is coparenting the kids.

May I very gently suggest you seek some support to deal with the abuse? Sounds like you’re still under his thumb.

I actually did see a counsellor for a while and I have support from friends and family.
You're right though, maybe I am still under his thumb. I hadn't thought of it like that. There is a part of me that is still scared of what he might do (even though its always empty threats).
I also worry he then sees the kids even less than he does now and I have no family support close to me. My kids can be a handful so I really do rely on the short breaks I get.
You are right though, I need to just do it.

My ex has been a twatt for the last 8 years since we split and it doesn't matter what I do, he always makes life difficult. He was pretty abusive while we were together and it's just continued I guess. I've now stopped trying to pacify him all the time. Definitely go through CMS as it's one less thing to argue about. Ignore all messages that aren't related to arrangements for the children and try not to enter into any conversations / arguments (I need to do this way more that I do so I know how hard it is). I've just accepted we'll never have a great relationship (I had hoped we could) but will always do what's best for my DD

As PP said.

I've had six years of this and guess what, he's still an arse :) Start every email with "In the children's best interests [XYZ thing is happening]" and ignore all the personal comments.

Bottom line is that you manage just fine on your own, you don’t need him. Seeing the kids less means he’ll have to pay more maintenance, you could use that for a babysitter. Problem solved. His problem if he uses the kids as a weapon.

I’d suggest ringing women’s aid OP - the freedom programme is eye opening. I don’t think you should continue letting him off the hook financially, fuck him and the perceived backlash. If he abuses you contact the police.

I have an abusive ex who gets very nasty when he doesn’t get what he wants. I took my dd away this weekend and to ‘punish’ me he’s withheld maintenance again so I’ve called the CMS to get them to resolve it as I don’t want to waste my energy arguing with him. He does this as a way to get me engaged in communication with him. Usually followed by “lets grab a coffee and discuss this” which always ends in him pleading poverty and asking to come back. Stay strong OP.

Thanks everyone!
My counsellor helped me realising that I must not engage with him at all when he starts being horrible. So now I completely blank any message he sends that is a personal attack on me. I know he wants to engage me in an argument and I've also learned I can never win because he would never admit he's in the wrong.
Like a few of you have said, me being nice to him and bending over backwards to keep things 'calm' has made zero difference and he can still behave like a nasty twat.
I will contact the cms tomorrow and get them to collect the money directly from him.

Best advice given to me and worked for me:

Treat coparenting the same as a business. Everyone should pay what is due, this is calculated by a third party and is (generally) fair and impartial. When e-mailing, word it as you would a business letter, and try to remove all emotion, and reiterate every point with "in the best interest of the children".

Ignore abusive text messages. Do not respond. Perhaps inform him that you are keeping a record of all correspondence in case you need it at a later date, and communicate via a new e-mail address set up purely for communication with him. That way you open them at your leisure.

New partner is F all to do with him. He will just have to suck it up - not one rule for him and another for you. You deserve to be happy too.

Keep a diary, of everything, no matter how trivial it may seem.

This will help you should things ever get that nasty that you end up going to court.

The law recognises controlling and coercive abuse as domestic abuse, if you contact your local DV charity they may be able to offer help - and I fully recommend the "freedom programme" - it opened my eyes big time.

I hope any of this helps - and sending hugs xx

@Davegrohlsnewwife thank you so much. I've heard of the freedom programme from many other posts and never really considered doing it myself, due to having got out of my abusive relationship. I think its definitely worth me doing it though.
Everyone's advice has been great. I started the ball rolling with cms this morning.

I get where you're coming from just doing things for an easy life.

My DC dad and I split years ago. He's never paid proper CM and I never chase him for it. I also just don't speak to him at all anymore.

Honestly, it's bliss.

My son will occasionally see him, if they're both at Nan's at the same time, but he doesn't ask for him (I was really worried that this was going to be an issue) and he's so much more settled without him.

But it's not for everyone. I had to go completely NC to get this. Blocked the bastard on everything. Just entirely refuse to engage.

He owes CM for your DC. You're within your rights to chase it.

@3rdchristmaslucky thank you! Its sad that your ex has no interest in your child but if that works out better for you both then that is a good thing.
My ex does see his but EOW is nothing really and he shows no interest in seeing them any more. If I ask him to, he makes a big deal about it. He has always put 'getting one over on me' before seeing his kids.