Anyone met someone great too soon after a long term relationship ending?

[HappyAnnie2]

I was with someone for about 18 months, we lived together for 6 of those months. I was very much in love with this man and although there were a few big things we didn’t agree on in terms of general values, I certainly didn’t want to break up with him. After living together for 6 months, he ended things and asked me to move out (I’d moved to his but had my own place to go back to as I had a tenant with 2 weeks notice to leave). He said that something was missing for him, that he didn’t hate me and maybe we could be friends. It was all pretty horrible and really shook my life up for a while.

I went back online dating a couple of months later (I’m 37 so don’t have time to waste!) and had about four dates, nobody I wanted to see again. Then I met someone I did want to see again - I’ll call him Steve. We’ve been seeing each other the last few weeks and today, out of the blue to me really, he asked whether I missed my ex and whether all this was too soon for me. I wasn’t sure how to answer because I do miss my ex. But it’s over and I like Steve. I want to keep seeing him.

I’m not sure what to make of this because should I be more over my ex before pursuing things with Steve?! Is it even possible to get rid of all feelings for my ex...am I being unfair here? I don’t know if Steve felt he was a distraction but I told him he wasnt because I don’t feel that way about him! But in honestly I’ve not just forgotten my ex and what happened...is this normal?! I feel confused now about whether I am doing the right thing.

You're not over your ex. Do Steve a favour and don't get into a relationship with him. You need time on your own, although I know you feel time pressure if you are wanting children.

I like Steve though! And that part is genuine but I can’t lie and say I never think of my ex as the break up was horrible and I thought I’d found the right one.

I would tend to say that it's normal to still feel sad about how things ended so abruptly with your ex and it doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to start dating again - just take things slowly rather than jumping in head first.

However, I'm hesitating because it's surprising that Steve said this out of the blue. Did you ask why he was thinking that?

We were talking about a friends relationship that had recently ended and I said something like I think she will struggle for a few months. He then asked me whether I missed my ex and had I wanted to get back with him. I told him the truth that I did want to get back with him initially but now I had met Steve that has changed things, although my feelings for my ex aren’t completely gone. I thought it was better to be honest and that’s genuinely how I feel.

Yes. Dp and I met at a terrible time. Still together 7 years later despite well meaning friends telling us it was too soon. It was only meant to be a sex thing as we were both reeling from terrible break ups when we met.

Kylie I am worried now Steve has raised this that I’m doing something wrong?! At what point did you stop feeling for your ex and realise the new man was definitely right?

I had along relationship with someone and it ran its course. I met someone else before I left, and moved in with him 3 months later.

I don’t regret one minute and of course I think about my previous relationship and miss him, but it had run it’s course.

Life is too short not to grab an opportunity by the horns when it comes your way, or you will regret it.

So I met someone just three weeks after telling my ExH that I wanted a divorce. My new squeeze was himself a year out of his marriage. We shared 8 beautiful and intense weeks together and then 2 weeks of 'space'. He ended things today - it was actually done in such a lovely way- as he realised he wasn't ready. He thought he was and said that all the things he'd said to me (it was intense and we spent huge chunks of time together) were true but has sadly realised that he needs to be divorced first before he's ready for a relationship. I'm sad but it was such an amazing experience for me and I respect his honesty and integrity. So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think we can actually put timescales on when anyone might or might not be ready: he's still grieving his marriage; I'm 3 months into ending mine but because I actually checked out of my marriage almost two years ago, without really being aware at the time, I do feel ready. So I think your honesty about where your head's at is really spot on and it's for you and you alone to decide whether you're ready or not.

OP, do you think you aren't over your ex, or that you are simply traumatised by the sudden and unexpected end of what you thought was a solid relationship - your "final" relationship?

Perhaps Steve senses walls you have up - understandably - and he (and you?) misinterpretes this as you not being over your ex?