Am I in the wrong??

[Usernametaken098]

I've was seeing my now ex partner for 14 months till we split up 2 weeks ago.

I found out that he had joined a couple of sex websites and he had messaged 6 girls to initiate chat with them.

I was really pissed off and I reacted by leaving him a voicemail saying that he was a F***g B and how could he do that to me etc!!

He denied that he had done it but I definitely know he did. At one point he swore on the life of his son that he wasn't messaging girls.

I was really upset because we were moving to living with each other. We had spent 5 weeks out of the previous 9 together which included Christmas.

He's saying that I'm the reason that we've split up because my reaction was over the top and he didn't want to be spoken to like that.

I'm now feeling crap because if I hadn't let my anger come out verbally then we might be together.

Was I in the wrong to get angry? x

No. He is minimising in the hope of getting away with treating you badly. It would only get worse.

No you weren't. He was looking to cheat and you called him out on it. And he doesn't like it because he knows he's as guilty as sin.

What now? You'd want to be with a man who wa cheating on you?

He's saying that I'm the reason that we've split up because my reaction was over the top and he didn't want to be spoken to like that.

I'm now feeling crap because if I hadn't let my anger come out verbally then we might be together.

Regardless of how you responded, the issue is still the same...he messaged 6 other woman via sex sites while in a relationship with you.

Yes you might be together but he would still be looking for sex on websites.

So he wants a woman who'll accept him contacting other women on sex sites? And he wants a woman who will feel guilty if she objects to anything he does.

Please don't be that woman. You're better than that.

Usually, those who swear on the life of their children are as guilty as sin.

No He's dishonest, disloyal and totally lacking in integrity.

Don't give him a second thought. You are well rid.

I think your name changed.

Why are you still talking to someone you've split up with who was trying to cheat on you? Just block him and let him say what he likes. He's a lying liar and cheat.

YANBU. Of course it was understandable that you got angry at someone cheating/trying to cheat on you. Could be he's using that as any excuse to get out while claiming he isn't the bad guy.

If you have good reason to be believe he was up to this, you were not over the top in your reaction and therefore not in the wrong. If he was able to prove that he didn't do it and you heard him out then that would be fair and you could then apologise for being in the wrong (even if your reaction was fair for what you believed to be true). Swearing on childrens lives wouldn't cut it for me. Lucky escape I reckon.

My cheating ex once swore on on his DD's life that he hadn't cheated. I already had the proof in the form of extremely graphic messages between him and other woman about what they'd been up to.

I stood up and put my shoes on. He asked where I was going. I said "I'm off to fetch DSD and end her life. Don't worry, I'll let her know it's not her fault, it's yours because you were too much of a coward and liar to tell the truth about you cheating so you threw her under the bus."

Funnily enough he suddenly fessed up.

I think the biggest concern is the gas lighting. He's in the wrong, you've rightfully had a go at him, he's turning your reaction around on you and punishing you for it.

This is abuse. He won't change. This behaviour will permeate into other areas of your life, you'll start to doubt yourself. It's a dangerous avenue to go down.

And swearing on his son's life when he knows what he did shows no value towards his loved ones. Petty as it's only words but it says something about them as a person.

Is there any sign he has a porn addiction? Secretive with his phone, erectile dysfunction, sometimes disconnected during sex, no money, objectifying women?

Thanks for all the replies and it has made me realise that I wasn't in the wrong to get angry about it. I'm not physically violent but when I'm hurting I verbally lash out. I know that I need to try and not to react so quickly which I'm working on it.

As some posters have mentioned the fact he's turned it back on me as if it's my fault and he's lied but swears on his sons life that he hasn't isn't something I'm comfortable with.

I'm just disappointed that a guy who has said that he's a loyal monogamous man has shown me that he isn't.

I just now need to focus on my kids and forget men because they're nothing but trouble lol.

@RLEOM he does watch porn but we also did together as well. Though he does need to take the wee blue pill to get a full erection but he doesn't seem to be disrespectful to women and he has a really good job.

I think he's done it because a couple of Sundays ago I wasn't really in the mood for it but he wanted it so he got it. We had a wee argument after but nothing serious where he would need to go online looking for a girl 2 days later.

He joined the sex sites after the split up? Or was it before and that was the reason for the split?

You are aware men have self control and personal responsibility for their actions, right?

@OldWomanSaysThis he joined the sites while we were together.

@Usernametaken098 I think it sounds like a possible porn addiction. Objectifying women doesn't have to be outwardly disrespectful - signing up to chat with women in a sexual way in itself is objectifying.

I didn't clock on for entire year that my ex had a porn addiction, it was his search history and some research (he had erectile dysfunction too) that made me realise he had a problem. We would watch a film and he'd have to search for the hottest actress in the film to see if he could see her naked or in porn. I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for his search history. He was paying for porn, too. Every spare minute of the day was spent on either Facebook to search for women, instagram to look at women, youtube for random stuff, or porn. I was none the wiser the entire time, just knew he was always skint and that he struggled to keep it up. Oh, and he's got a good job, too.