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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friends boyfriend hit on me

28 replies

singlemammychangingtheworld · 26/01/2020 05:01

My friend has been with her bf 6 years. 2 children and saving for a mortgage.
After a night out the three of us came back to mine. She fell asleep and he kept getting me to come to the hallway. He said he has a free pass. I told him to cop on and went back to the living room.

I thought this couple were solid and I'm furious at him.

Do I tell her?

OP posts:

Snowflake9 · 26/01/2020 05:03

Absolutely yes.

If this was my partner I would want to know.

What a creep.

Shev1996 · 26/01/2020 05:05

Yes, but prepare to be hated

Original poster

singlemammychangingtheworld · 26/01/2020 05:05

I feel physically sick as it's my word against his. My exact words were "cop on and be grateful I havent told her". Hes a good guy and they are so in love. This came out of nowhere!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 26/01/2020 05:06

Yes, you should definitely tell her. Just don't expect her to thank you for it: you will probably be frozen out as she clings to her delusions.

Original poster

singlemammychangingtheworld · 26/01/2020 05:06

To be honest, my rep with guys isnt the best and I feel I will be blamed & hated. I honestly dont know if it's worth it

OP posts:

Shev1996 · 26/01/2020 05:07

You have a choice now, you can protect yourself and say nothing. Or attempt to protect her but hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So sorry

BitOfFun · 26/01/2020 05:07

You wouldn't be a good friend to her to cover for him, even if she won't appreciate it.

Shev1996 · 26/01/2020 05:10

I would say the longer you leave it the worse it will get, he will have time to think of excuses such as you came onto him

Original poster

singlemammychangingtheworld · 26/01/2020 05:15

I don't think I'll be believed no matter what. I feel like giving him a kick up the arse to be honest. I dont know what the hell came over him. Weve been out loads of times and nothing. I'm actually afraid he will tell her first

OP posts:

Shev1996 · 26/01/2020 05:18

You can only choose to either tell her the truth, or keep it from her. Everything else is outside of your control. I only know what if hope any true friend of mine would do

BitOfFun · 26/01/2020 05:19

Another reason to tell her soon, before he twists the narrative.

ThatThereWoman · 26/01/2020 06:47

I had Similar with my friend (they are married) and she doesn't talk to me now. I have no idea what the husband said to her, but she has told me that he won't let me in the house, that he disapproves of me!

She confides in me when she's drunk what a cheat he is (we do an activity together) but doesn't speak to me sober.

It's a tricky situation - my friend knows what her partner is like, but she chooses to close her eyes to it.

othervoicesotherrooms · 26/01/2020 07:17

I wouldn't bother.

You say she won't believe you because of your 'rep' with men (whatever that means.Dies she think so little of you?
You think she'll blame you?

If so, forget it and leave them to it.
Also, find new friends.

SoulStarS · 26/01/2020 07:24

I would. But I would have told her the morning after, by asking him, in front of her, to explain what he meant by ‘free pass.’

She may not thank you for it. You may lose a friendship over it. But every woman deserves to know if their partner is trying to crack on with their actual friends

brentwoodbaby · 26/01/2020 07:28

I wonder what your reputation is that makes you think she wouldn't believe you?

Do you have form for going after attached men?

ThatThereWoman · 26/01/2020 07:34

yes because it's all her fault @brentwoodbaby

victim blaming much?

People choose to believe their partners in the face of the most overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Putting up with ridiculous awful behaviour and blaming the supposed OW. or Other women sometimes for years and years. It's easier to blame the women than face the truth.

dottiedodah · 26/01/2020 07:45

TBH I wouldnt say anything ,If she believes him then you will lose your friend .He will deny everything I expect ! See other friends and dont go out with them as a couple any more !

ChristmasSweet · 26/01/2020 08:11

yes because it's all her fault @brentwoodbaby**

victim blaming much?

Hardly victim blaming. She asked a question. That may not even be the answer, might just be that she has had a lot of boyfriends/one night stands.

But if she is a person who regularly sleeps with other people's partners, that's not a great reputation to have.

Wereallsquare · 26/01/2020 08:40

I have been in this situation more than a few times. Those men are repulsive - why would I find a cheater attractive? Just yuck.

But I have never said a word to those women because like you, I did not believe that they would believe me. It gets really complicated between lovers and friends. I just distanced myself from the partner or waited for the relationships to fizzle out.

I am sorry that has happened to you. It sucks.

Isitsixoclockalready · 26/01/2020 08:49

Probably best to just distance yourself. Sadly it is a distinct possibility that it is not the first time and he'll end up doing the same with someone else.

lolaflores · 26/01/2020 08:59

I lost a very dear friend in similar circumstances. He went on to greater heights of infidelity which went from indiscretion to shameless. We have resolved ourselves but she is still married. They were loves young dream 29 years ago ow they are bitter and angry. She has wasted her life it she knew what he was.
Her choice but it's unlikely to e a 1 off

Savingshoes · 26/01/2020 09:18

I would be livid.
He waited until you were at yours and she was asleep - completely at the mercy of his view verses yours.
I would question his motives: why you and not a different friend? - were you easier prey, does he feel threatened by your friendship with his partner, is he trying to sabotage something and use you?
I would definitely tell her but it would take a lot of strength not to return the favour and talk about free passes and loser men who cheat around him in a setting he feels unable to answer you.

Heartburn888 · 26/01/2020 09:22

Defo need to tell her. It makes no difference but if he did actually have a free pass he would of been happy saying it front of his partner not asking you to come to the hallway in secret.

Tell her so she can dump him

BitOfFun · 26/01/2020 09:59

Tell her so she can dump him

I think we all know that's not going to happen, sadly.

woooooo · 26/01/2020 11:43

This happened to me. I told my friend, she thanked me for telling her and stayed with him.

She only finally got rid of him when he put a hammer through the windscreen of her car - while she was sat in the driver's seat.

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