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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner lost interest after 2 babies

21 replies

Mumof2life22 · 25/01/2020 21:44

Just wondered if anyone could provide any rational advice on my current situation. My partner and I have been together for 5 years we are not married or engaged but we do have a mortgage together. We have a 2 year old and a little 5 month old and I thought life was perfect (or as close as could be) but recently I feel like my OH doesn’t care about me much anymore at all. He works from home mom-fri and I am on mat leave at the moment, we have both found the adjustment to being parents of two a challenge as my little one has had colic but other than that they are an amazing little baby. However my partner is cold towards me, he even sometimes states that we should break up and he wouldn’t care but then later says he didn’t mean it. He snaps at me when I ask him to spend any time with me over the weekend, usually I clean and get the house in shape for th weekend so he doesn’t have to help with tidying etc but somehow we always end up arguing anyway and I end up in tears which I hate as I find it embarrassing and it makes him even colder towards me. Don’t get me wrong he is a Fantastic father to both of our children and it is a 50/50 split which I know I am lucky to have. He says he never has time to himself but after work he goes to the gym and then we watch half an hour of tv and go to sleep which is why I look forward to the weekends so much so we can spend time together but he just doesn’t seem interested in me whatsoever unless it’s for sex which is incidentally the only time he shows me any affection at all. I just don’t know what to do for the best as I can’t give my kids the life they have currently on my own and I never intended on being a single parent as I am not strong enough for that, I also wanted so much for my children to have a nice happy home with both of us under one roof ☹️ Feeling a bit lost at the moment

OP posts:

champagneandfromage50 · 25/01/2020 21:48

how is he a great father? 50/50 split you mentioned so what down time do you get?

Zerrin13 · 25/01/2020 21:49

Is he looking after the children 50% of the time and working full time?

user7784624235 · 25/01/2020 21:51

I also wanted so much for my children to have a nice happy home with both of us under one roof

In what way is he a fantastic father?

my partner is cold towards me, he even sometimes states that we should break up and he wouldn’t care but then later says he didn’t mean it. He snaps at me when I ask him to spend any time with me over the weekend, usually I clean and get the house in shape for th weekend so he doesn’t have to help with tidying etc but somehow we always end up arguing anyway and I end up in tears

Not sure where the happy, fantastic or lucky parts of this are?

Your children's home won't be happy when their mum is being made miserable.

Do you have any support around you from friends or family?

Onthemaintrunkline · 25/01/2020 23:21

He might be a ‘fantastic father to the children’, but he doesn’t sound much cop as a partner to you. He’s cold, snaps at you for daring to suggest you spend time together, but almost worst of all - he’s only interested in you when he wants sex...what the heck! Perhaps I’ve summed it up incorrectly, apologies if I have, but it sounds pretty grim going forward really.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/01/2020 23:33

Tell him to go OP.. you are doing it all yourself anyway... and he sounds horrible.. plus I agree with everyone on here.. struggling to see how and when the fuck he is a good father..

EKGEMS · 25/01/2020 23:44

If he's a fantastic father then I just give up

Original poster

Mumof2life22 · 26/01/2020 00:46

When listening to friends problems with their partners not doing their fair share I don’t feel like I can say that as he helps with the kids a lot, he gets up for work and makes breakfast for our 2 y o and him, he will help with night feeds, he plays with them both daily, bathed them sometimes and reads stories before bed I honestly can not fault him in terms of his parenting it’s me he seems to have no time for recently and I don’t know what I’ve done except want to spend time with him. He sees time being spent when it’s half an hour before bed but to me that’s not quality time together. I really don’t want to sound like a total victim or make him seem like he’s a bad person I just needed another persons take. I do the majority of cleaning, shopping, planning etc but he’s not unfair that way it would be a lot easier for me if he was a dead beat dad who the children didn’t like being around believe me

OP posts:

champagneandfromage50 · 26/01/2020 09:07

So he 'helps' you with the kids. Surely he is simply parenting his DC? Not helping you.... you need to snap out of that mindset. Your friends may have DH who don't do as much but they may have a great relationship and have found a balance that suits them but overall are happy.

Verily1 · 26/01/2020 09:11

How can you only be spending half an hour today together if he is working at home all day and you are in with the dcs?

Frenchw1fe · 26/01/2020 09:11

Where is your dp at the weekend?
What is he doing?

Original poster

Mumof2life22 · 26/01/2020 09:32

Because he is working in his office we don’t speak and I am either out with the kids or in doing housework or looking after the kids we the have a rushed dinner usually interrupted by the baby and then we bathe the kids I put them to bed and he goes to the gym we then watch half an hour of tv on his return

OP posts:

Inappropriatefemale · 26/01/2020 10:28

Could your DP be depressed OP?

ColaFreezePop · 26/01/2020 10:53

When you just have the toddler were you and the toddler out of the house most of the working day for the majority of the working week?

ColaFreezePop · 26/01/2020 10:56

I don't think he's depressed I think he's having trouble sdjusting to you being around with the children more often. Sorry I should say myself, several of my siblings and close friends work from home exclusively or frequently.

farmertom · 26/01/2020 19:13

Have you talked to him about this OP? Told him how you feel and how he's making you feel?
Comments about divorce are cruel and quite a big deal!

Staying with someone for the kids is not in their best interest.

It really depends how he has been in the past. Is this completely out of the blue/unusual behaviour? If so then I would say maybe he is burning out/struggling and taking it out on you (not that that excuses it).
If he has form then he won't change and you should absolutely leave as you deserve better.

Original poster

Mumof2life22 · 27/01/2020 22:33

Yes we were never home but now I find it quite hard to get both of them out and ready I’m ashamed to say! He has apologised since my post and says he knows I deserve more and he’s aware how lucky he is but I’m reluctant to just forget all his horrible comments. The baby is now back to a bad sleeping pattern she naps only when In the car or pram and doesn’t settle for the night until after 11 so our only alone time has now been taken over as well 🙁

OP posts:

Inappropriatefemale · 27/01/2020 23:32

New babies always cause stress in relationships and we say things we don’t mean at times, at least he has apologised and maybe things will improve from here on in x

Happy101 · 27/01/2020 23:39

I fucking hate it when women pull out 'oh but he's a great father' when talking about the utterly useless horrid men. News flash HE'S NOT, a 'great father' is someone who respects the mother of his children, he doesn't even have to love her or be in a relationship with her, but there has to be respect. And it sounds like you DP couldn't give a flying fuck about any of your needs, this man does't care about you. He'll say nasty as shit things, then come grovelling after knowing maybe he's used his 9 lives up and that you might have actually had it with him. You need to put your foot down, by accepting his apologies each time you're only showing him how much more he can get away with. Apologies don't mean shit when they're not followed by changed behaviour.

Suebnm · 27/01/2020 23:49

What does your boyfriend do at the weekend if he isn’t with you?

WombOfOnesOwn · 28/01/2020 06:09

What in god's name is working from home FOR if you're a parent, if you're not spending any time with the kids?

I work from home. I'd find it very miserable not to interact with my children all day. This man should NOT be working from home, he's basically creating an atmosphere all day where it makes more work for you, not less. Tell him to go back to the office or shape up.

CheddarGorgeous · 28/01/2020 06:26

There's all sorts of reasons to work from home and the family will benefit from him not having a long commute for example. I think it's tricky to dip in and out of family life during the working day, especially if a 2yo doesn't understand that you're home but not available to play.

OP when did the change in him happen? When were you all last happy? He could be depressed/fed up. It's winter, two small kids is hard going. Colic is murderous. None of that is an excuse for him to treat you unkindly though.

Do you ever get out just the two of you?

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