Not sure where I stand

[Blushingm]

I've know a guy for 7 years, we were fwb for years, then got together for about 18 months and split. Stayed friends and never really stopped sleeping together. I started seeing someone else and he decided that he wanted me - he tried so hard so we got back together - it lasted about 8 months til he decided we lived to far away and I worked too much and neither of us could move closer.

We didn't speak for a couple of months but then started chatting again, sleeping together, hanging out together. His family all know I come over and stay and that we text all day every day. I see his son and he's told his dad he likes me being there - as has his mum, says she's so pleased I'm there. He hugs and kisses me in front of them and in front of friends and the rest of his family.

The thing is he says he likes being single - that's he's not wanting to change his lifestyle . His previous ltr have all been total disasters so that's why he likes life as it is.

His cousin said to me that the family all know we are more than friends - that it's a relationship without the title but I don't know what to think at all. Is he using me? Is he afraid of being together in case it all goes wrong? I know he's not chatting to other women as he's open with his phone etc

It's a bit like the chicken and the egg isn't it. Is it that he's like that because his previous ltrs have been disasters. Or have they been disasters because of how he is?
He likes being single. That should tell you all you need to know.

I don't know what to think. He likes being single - do you like being single? If you do I would say there is no problem, the relationship suits both of you at the moment. If you would like more of a commitment and he isn't ready for that, it's a different matter.

My only suggestion is to enjoy yourself when you are not with him and keep your options open. You're not tied to this chap.

(Texting all day every day is for teenagers.)

I think you need to ask him what 'single' means to him. It can mean any of the following: fuckbuddies who are also friends, but who sleep with other people too; exclusive FWB; being something more than FWB but less than a full on relationship; being to all intents and purposes in a relationship but just not cohabiting. If you're fine with his version of single, that's great
If you're not, then time to stop selling yourself short.
Some people cannot bring themselves to have relationships. Contrary to what's written here often, this does not make them bad people, nor destined to be forever lonely. Relationships are a continuum and only you can decide if you're happy as you are.

Whatthewhatnow I think you could've hit the nail on the head - there's so many versions of single life - I need to find out what he means but then I suppose I'm afraid of the answer.

He's always said before he's looking for a Mrs (even when we were just friends and fwb) but since we split he says he's happy being single

Dog in the manger, is what he is.

It doesn't actually work, you being together, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

It's not about what he wants or expects. It's about what you are happy with.

If this is all you want from this relationship and are not heavily emotionally invested in it, then it's fine to carry on. If you are longing for a permanent relationship with someone, children and a shared home, then maybe time with this friend is wasted as it's diverting your energy away from your needs.

The important question is what exactly do you want?

He's using you, you are convenient to him. Which is fine if you want this non relationship. If however you want a serious and committed relationship it's time to walk away, you are wasting your life with him and he's stopping you from being open to meeting anyone new. Sorry OP. (I saw a close friend waste years with a man like this ☹️ )

He's all about him isn't he?

He wants all the perks of a full-blown relationship without any of the commitment. And you are giving him that because he has managed-down your expectations so much.

The minute you dare to ask for more he'll trot out the 'I told you I like being single' line.

A man who loved you would be happy and proud to be in a relationship with you. After all this time, that's all you need to know.

Oh, and read, 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl' by Natalie Lue - it talks about this dynamic a lot.

he decided that he wanted me - he tried so hard so we got back together - he decided we lived too far away - he says he likes being single - he's not wanting to change his lifestyle - he likes life as it is

He gets to decide a lot, doesn't he?