Ex - contact with dd and abusive behaviour at handovers

[Number21]

My ex and I have been separated for 8 months and we share a 15 month old DD. After much pushing I have finally got him having contact with her without me present, however on each occasion his parents have been. As he is living a 90 minute drive away he sees her once a week.

Anyway I had asked him to have a think about what contact he wanted to have with DD, he told me he had and would send an email outlining it all and I made it clear I thought it would be best to work up to full days and implementing overnights from 2years as up until the new year he hadn’t spent more than 3 hours with her and I had a few safety concerns. So off he went on Sunday it then took him 4 days to get back to me with just a figure that he would pay for maintenance. That ok but I notice it was based on him having her overnight, so I asked him about this, he told me he would be having her overnight from February or March but he isn’t prepared to wait much longer. I’ve gone back to him and said she is breastfed, doesn’t see him often enough and she isn’t familiar with his flat so wouldn’t be in her best interest, he of course disagreed and so I therefore suggested mediation.

Since then at hand overs he’ll bully me and get quite aggressive because he wants to talk about it face to face, problem I have is he is manipulative and a abusive bully, it’s why we separated and therefore want to keep communication on email. So I was wondering if I should a) keep handovers at the door. B) get the ball rolling on mediation? C) he is also always at least 40 minutes late for pick ups, at what point do I just go about my day?. Lastly do you think the level of contact I’m suggesting is unreasonable and asking him to wait till she is 2 for overnights?

Sorry for the ramble I am just stressed and at the end of my tether.

Handover at door. If he’s late, go out, tough. The big issue, of course, is if he decides to not hand her back. It’s very difficult to ensure he keeps to whatever you’re happy with , he has parental rights if he’s on the birth certificate, plus at her age, a judge may decide that she’s can have overnights with him. He is the father so does have rights.

I would do hangovers elsewhere and if he's late just go about my day. Don't go home, go out.
He is her father and has rights, I think waiting until she's 2 is pushing it. Younger children adapt easily. She won't be interested in decor just food, play and sleep. A judge may see things differently.

Hand over at the door, is give him another chance to turn up on time (obviously if there’s a delay he can’t control I.e traffic then wait) but after then I’d deem it a no-show and even more so if he’s not got in touch to tell you he’s going to be late.

For the overnights I’d send her when you feel she’s ready. I agree that having her 3 hours once a week to then overnights in feb is a huge huge jump and plus if he doesn’t know how to settle her then it’s going to be stressful for all three of you especially if he lives 90 mins away

Does he have a good bond with DD? If you have faith that she's safe in his care, the sooner she stays over night with him, the better.