Should I have done with grandmother in law for daughter's sake

[creaturcomforts]

My daughter's dad left a year ago and blocked his daughter without reason, moved away and has not been heard from since.

Daughter is trying to deal with this though understandably has had some tough times, for context she is 12.

She has been asking me about him and why he has done it and I don't have the words sometimes as I can't understand this either.

Have had many conversations about why I believed a person does this is because of their own problems and it's wrong and not her fault and that if she wants contact in future, and he makes contact that it's her choice, and her dad, but that he is a person that can act hurtfully and to protect her feelings from hoping for something in case it doesn't happen.

She decided recently that she wanted to contact her grandmother and ask her on her behalf to ask her dad to call her or give her his number.

I was worried how it would pan out as I didn't think he would speak to her, she waited all day watching her phone and finally grandmother texts back saying no, he has said he doesn't want to talk to her no reason or anything else, just that. She did say she was sorry and had tried.

Daughter explains to me and says she will ask grandmother again, as she's missing him and explain and ask her to try again.

At this point, grandmother texts back simply "I have asked already, do not ask again or you will be blocked".

Daughter's shocked and upset by this message and has already been blocked by father, nasty way to treat a child and I don't see her being any support or good to daughter.

She hasn't contacted daughter since her dad left at all apart from a Xmas and birthday card to her, I was angry and asked daughter if she'd mind if I blocked her on her phone and daughter said she wouldn't mind me blocking her.

Thing is grandmother is the only contact for her father if he did decide to get in touch and I'd feel I was interfering in daughter's life by taking away that possibility, just sick of the treatment of my daughter. I told ex's mother I did not want to talk to her personally again because of the way she has been to me, nasty when ex husband left. But said she could email if she needed on her or her son's behalf.

Am I wrong to block her completely from my daughter and tell her to leave us alone? I'm torn as I don't want to play into the games that I feel they play but had enough of seeing daughter being treated like this.

I think you should block the grandmother from your daughter's phone for now, and any contact should come through you. Reiterate your offer about email contact, make sure they can't accuse you of cutting them off. Your daughter needs protecting from them - it's unfathomable to me how they could be so cruel

I guess you see where your x gets it from. What a cold, cruel family

Well its clear that the apple didn't fall far from the tree .
Your poor dd needs protecting from both her dad and gran.
Can you get some talking therapy for your dd and yourself.
Also I hope you have a CMS claim against him, if not please do it might guilt him into contact

Hermione that's exactly what I thought, your poor dd.
Yes block her

From what you have said it is the grandmother who has made the decision to block, so absolutely do not feel bad about protecting your daughter from her.

As said, any contact needs to be through you now. They can still get in touch if they want so you arent preventing contact

Block her most definitely. Does your dd have her other grandparents.
It's awful for your dd, poor girl.

Thank you, that's also the way my intuition tells me to act, I was thinking of sending a message saying that daughter was upset and that contact can be made through email. I don't see her wanting to text or contact daughter anyway.

To her, the grandmother, she wouldn't see her behaviour as cruel at all. It's the way the family is.

Daughter's dad kept in contact for a couple of months but as he was moving away to live with his new partner daughter was angry about new partner and said she would never accept her.

In my daughter's mind the new woman was the reason she was losing her father and his contact had been less and less. Reasonable thing for a child to feel and her father could have worked with her on this, however daughter said she hates new partner and this seemed to be the reason he suddenly blocked her. He did not explain this to her though.

I do feel it's spiteful, but her dad I think told her mum that it was daughters fault (not sure but feel from the way she has acted that he might have).

I've experienced a lot of bullying from them and blaming on me and daughter and of course there's two sides to every story so I have tried not to react in the past.

Have shown family and a good friend some of the things said by her dad to me though and they have been angry and said that it's bullying and control.

I really like the thought of blocking grandmother and getting away from the stress and moving on.

It is not your daughters fault.
Please make sure she knows that.

I would explain to your daughter that if she wants to make contact again down the line you approve completely. Its funny how teenagers and young adults minds work when shes older and when the recent hurt the grandmother has caused eases she may forget how hurt she did feel and only remember you advising her to stop contact and potentially blame you. Even though i truly believe you are protecting your daughter, i myself would also be livid. To look at the bigger picture your best leaving the ball in your daughters court. Ps what a cruel women and father i feel for you

Thanks for the replies and good to see other opinions as I've had enough of the situation and the stress. I feel it's nasty and I'm glad I'm away from my ex husband, 15 years marriage but the control wasn't apparent to me, the extent of it, except to say he had his way in everything and I knew I'd had enough.

Parents have said that they saw what he was like but couldn't tell me and that the other woman has done me a huge favour, when he left for her.

I knew he didn't love me but was shocked at the treatment of his daughter, I feel I'm a fool and should have known better and left years ago.

Just feel so sad for daughter and can't help feeling it's my fault for the way he's behaving. I know it's not but can't help it. None of this is her fault, she's a lovely sensitive person and she just goes quiet when things have hurt her, but she is ANGRY with her dad!!

Thank you redshoeblueshoe, I try to get her to make her own mind up without saying anything damaging about her dad.

She has family that she is close to and I ask her if she or other family would act like that and why.

I have said that if she has spoken her mind to him and poured out her feelings regarding the new partner, that he should have been emotionally intelligent enough to reassure her and listen to her, and not simply do as he did.

I've told her it's wrong and I just want her to know this and as she gets older to be able to put things together and make her own mind up. as it is her choice.

However I'ts difficult as my daughter was comparing to him once my behaviour to his and saying "mum would never do this or that to me, like you have". He was angry that time and accused me of trying to control her, and that she should stop listening to me.

Stressedout10. There's no maintenance as the cms can't find him, the new partner that he's gone to live with lives abroad. Her other grandparents are great and have said they will listen and not talk down about her father's parents, even though they are livid!! Daughter doesn't like talking about her father much but sometimes she feels like it and I listen, totally understand that she doesn't want to speak badly about her dad to them.

She had school counselling and I've signed her up through gp but the waiting list is a year here and I can't afford private!

My xh was dreadful too. My dd decided to cut him out of her life completely when she was a teen. She's had no regrets, but it was totally her decision. I never badmouthed him, but she saw for herself what a horrible person he is.

I should have said - it's not your fault either

Wonder if he’s keeping under the radar to avoid maintenance.

If he’s abroad then the CMS can’t do a lot except (maybe) backdate it if he ever returns to the UK and starts working here.

As the grandmother is sending cards at Christmas, she’s obviously got your address so there’s no need for texts or other digital communication from her. Just write to her to advise her of any house moves you make and you’ve done your part. She or your ex can find you or write to you if they want to resume contact (and your daughter wants it at that point).

Thank you redshoesblueshoes, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter too and hope she's doing well now.

I had wondered too if he just wanted to make a new life and as his daughter didn't fall into line he had done with her.

Actually said to her, as he had told her he was moving abroad and she was upset, he didn't reassure her at all that he would be in contact regularly or that he would come and see her.. no mention of this. Told her she should be happy for him as she was his daughter.

Didn't sound like to me that he'd considered her at all after he moved away and maintenance then wouldn't be on his mind either.

Thank you for all of the replies, it's been a load off my mind to be able to discuss this, and to hear others opinions as the subject is difficult to talk about.

Yes paterpower that sounds a good solution, grandmother had said ages back that she would like to have address as I asked her if she wanted to be in contact still, as we may have had to move.

Creaturecomforts it was the best thing she did. She sets very firm boundaries, and teaches her children to do the same.
In fact I think she's a better DM than I am

That's good to hear, good for her! Sounds as though she had an excellent role model, and that you care about her.

I'm definitely finding it hard just me as my family moved up north just before we separated, but hope she will be the same way.