Why is there never a right time to leave DH..

[arhhhhhnofreeusernames]

Hello, I'm after some advice and hopefully shared experiences.

I'm in the limbo phase of my marriage, for context married 20 years 3DC (teens) and a busy FT career. I see this story panning out on Mumsnet day after day but I find myself well and truly trapped.

I know I don't love him, we've not had sex for 3 years, we live like flat mates and I just want out. He know it's not good, we both do really.

But the issue seems to be timing.. I will be the one to push the button so to speak, he's said he wants to try, but I'm done.

So timing wise - Our DC have exams this year, I have an operation in the pipeline that needs a long recovery, my parents are elderly and sick, the drama of life takes over and I can't ever seem to find the "right" time.

How did you do it? How did it happen because I'm at breaking point, but now I have relatives staying in a couple of weeks, and numerous other commitments .. and yet I want to tell him to move out.

There will never be a ‘right’ time.

If you really want to end the relationship, then do so. Today.

Otherwise you will limp on for years or until your DH has had enough and will end it for you

Why will he be the one to leave if it's you calling time? If you want out why don't you leave?

There will always be an excuse as it being not the right time.

Personally I think if you want to divorce you should do it now. I also think it's a bit off to expect him to help with your recovery when you don't even want to live with him.

I was in a relationship for slightly longer, 3 teenage dc’s and got to the point where I resented everyone as I was so miserable. It was so hard to be the one to say enough is enough but I knew DP wouldn’t and it couldn’t go on. We had just drifted. There was no new reason to end it. It’s been tough and lonely at times but I no longer sit in the car on my drive dreading going in to the house. And I am more settled than I have been for a very long time. I knew I didn’t want to drift on for another year in limbo. Good luck

I can't ever seem to find the "right" time.

That's because there isn't one. And, to some extent, neither of you are free to find anybody else while somebody else is filling out the 'relationship' space.

Why is post-surgery recovery a concern? Is it because the children will need support with running the house and their own lives? Would your finances allow the employment of a cleaner at least or even a housekeeper for the rehab period?

Your parents aren't going to get any younger and it seems unlikely that their overall health will improve so if you're going to split, it may as well be soon. Or does your DH help out with caring for them? In which case, you might need to buy more support services.

These are your young years. You're not going to get them back. You can choose to live in limbo with an uncertain end for both of you until one of you forces the matter or you can agree to split now and talk about the practicalities. Which choice would be better and healthier for both of you?

I do know what you mean about him helping with recovery, I think this more than anything is pushing the decision forward.. because you are right I actually don't want him to support me, and it feels wrong.

I do also sit in the car not wanting to go home, I love it when he's away for work, it makes me sad to admit it to anyone IRL

And my comment about him moving out, it maybe me that moves out., I haven't started sorting any logistics yet, but could be either way.

I worry about the DC and exams though.

Do you think your teenage DC are oblivious to your misery because I'd bet my house they're not, so do you not think your continuing misery which is palpable through your posts so god knows what it's like at home, isn't impacting their exam preparation also?

Hi,
I’m the same. 47 with two secondary kids - one with exams approaching. I also dread coming home, so much so I changed jobs so I could work 250 miles away part of the week! I now realise why my behaviour has been crazy over the last 2-3 years.
I couldn’t do it until my son has done his exams but I’m planning on leaving in the summer. I’m getting the house done up at the moment- for a quick sale.
Msg me if u want

I think maybe OP the place to start is the logistics.

If you research your options, house prices/rentals, see a solicitor, organize alternative options for your post-op recovery it actually might clarify how/and so when you could take the leap.

It might be that you're actually overwhelmed emotionally or practically and that feels like you're stuck.

I did it. A year ago.

The conversation happened naturally, about 6 months after i knew i had had enough.

Our children are younger and we have phased it. We rented a serviced apartment 3 months ago and swap in and out a week at a time. Where we live is unusual as everyone rents and our lease us up this week. So i move to a new place.

It has been amicable but will start to get a bit spicy once i serve papers. He now has a new girlfriend and has met her children ( after 8 weeks).

It is not that easy but it hasn't been a massive struggle either. I am scared about the future but happy that he is no longer my partner.

God I've just read back my post I do sound totally miserable. Sorry!

And yes my DC are aware of issues, my eldest talks to me about how he doesn't like DH very much anymore, the DCs are very perceptive, and I have a very good open relationship with them.

Thank you for the advice, I have looked at rentals, I know budget, just haven't spoken to solicitors yet, I think I'll do that sooner.

@sofato5miles wow that happened fast, the new girlfriend.. are you ok with that?

I feel right now I'd actually like him to move on. And I do feel like we are both wasting time.

Just bite the bullet. I did. We had a holiday booked and were tied into the mortgage another year but I couldn’t stay and longer. You can work around practical things. Honestly you can. It’s sad but what a relief. I lost a fortune on the holiday but it was worth every penny in the end

I am not jealous about her per se and am happy ( if a little envious) for him. But also am not going to rush them hanging out with all the kids as my son in particular is struggling. After a bit of push back we had to have a meeting with school about him, then my ex accepted they should wait until 6 months. Doubt he'll manage that but not much i can do about it really

@Aminuts23 that's it, everything is tied up in mortgages, trusts, wills.. I've deliberately not booked anything this year holiday wise. How are you now?

If he has done nothing wrong then you should leave.

@arhhhhhnofreeusernames I’m absolutely great. Now have my own home, good friends, good job. Happily single and have been for years now. I’ve never ever looked back. It’s liberating. Things were tight financially for a while but definitely worth the struggle.

Oh @arhhhhhnofreeusernames I hope my post didn't come across too harsh you certainly don't need to apologise, I just wanted you to see your kids are affected either way so the best way to help them is to make the best decision for you.

There isn’t a right time. My marriage was rubbish for years, I thought I was trying to make it work by putting up with it. We actually split up when my ex had an affair. I now realise the right time was probably about 10 years ago!