I think my 7 year relationship is over..

[cleopatra93]

So I'll try to keep this short as I could go on and on and give more and more details but I'm also going to give each persons point of view (although I don't get his) and I would love a honest opinion as I think I'm going crazy ?!

So 7 years we've been together I met him when I was 6 months pregnant with my eldest we got together a few months after I gave birth and we had a child 2 years ago last year he also adopted my eldest officially. Before I had my 2 year old I worked part time but after I had her I didn't work because she was born early and had a few medical problems for the first 1 year (surgeries, appointments, hospital stays) I didn't feel right going back to work at that time and my partner supported us mainly but I did do a few jobs from home. Anyway, like i said she is now 2 and the past year has been great for her medically she's started to catch up to other kids and the appointments are not as often, she has a great relationship with her nans and aunties and they often take both my kids out for days out etc.. she also gets free hours at a nursery now so she goes to a nursery which can deal with her medical conditions if they needed to during day. She's very happy there and my sister also works there so I'm very comfortable with her being there for a few hours a week.

So in September I decided to go to university part time 2 days a week 9-2 to study for my dream job. It's going to take me about 5/6 years as I'm doing it part time and it can be intense but I wanted to do it for me and my family.

So I've been at university for around 5 months now and today we all had to be up and get ready for university/work/school/nursery. My partner was looking like he was about to leave the house when the kids were still eating breakfast and he was meant to be taking our youngest to nursery as it's directly on his route and I would take our eldest (it wasn't exactly on my route but I left a little earlier so I could be at university for 9am and my eldest goes into a before school club). So I asked him what he was doing because our youngest wasn't ready to leave yet and it wasn't later than he has been usually leaving with her. He looked very angry and agitated and started to shout at me saying how he is doing me a favour by taking our child to nursery because I'm at university he is late for work everyday, taking her in is making him late because I'm at university....

I just kind of ignored him at that point as I don't do confrontation Infront of my kids I'd rather let it slide and discuss this later. I ended up telling him to go to work and not to worry and I took them both in and it made me 45 mins late for university.

So tonight I brought up his rage and what he said. I said how is you taking your daughter to nursery doing me a favour ? She's my responsibility alone ? Do we not share parental rights? And isn't parenting meant to be 50/50 and whatever we do we do it for us and for our family and to help each other out? Did I do you a favour all those times i had the kids? Like what ?! How is me being at university making you late for work? If you feel like that why are you not leaving earlier with her ? I'm not stopping you from leaving till a certain time your free to leave earlier ..?

His response being, yes he sees him taking our daughter to nursery as him helping me out because he could be like my eldest biological dad so I should be appreciative, he said yes the kids are more my responsibility than his, he doesn't see me as doing him a favour when I watch the kids because I'm there mom (which is 100% CORRECT I just wanted to see what he would say), because I have decided to have a career it's messed everything up and quite frankly he couldn't give me an answer to the "why are you not leaving earlier" question but I knew the answer anyway it's because he wants to sleep in for as long as possible.

I'm gobsmacked by what he's said to me tonight .. I know as a mother me and the kids will have a different relationship than their relationship with there dad but I never Thought he would see them as only my responsibility and whenever he watches them he's doing me a favour ! I had to get him to repeat what he said because I was in absolute shock that total bs was coming from his mouth. Like who are you??? In the end I told him I'm completely fine with the only parent responsible for them as they are my children I mean Ofcourse ! But we are going to have to end us because i cannot be with such a old fashioned person who thinks in such an ancient manner !

He's packed his bags and hes left. No look back I didn't see his emotions change and he's now been gone a while without even a word.

I admit I have done everything for the kids but I didn't see it as he won't do anything for the kids and I've got to do it all. I'm just attentive i can hear a pin drop and I don't sleep long and I never have. Night feeds were all me because I breastfed which I loved doing, I cook all main meals because I like to cook fresh food from scratch and he cannot cook but again I enjoy it, I wash our clothes and clean the house because I like the way I do things. I love more than anything being a mother and I love taking care of people I love and my home ! I have never moaned about him not helping because I didn't see it like that I wanted to do it. And don't get me wrong he did sit up with me through night feeds sometimes and he has changed nappies, bathed the kids, got them dressed and etc and he's will always be there for them as a dad.

I'm just a little overwhelmed as you can imagine and I don't want to make a stupid decision but at the same time I cannot and will never be ok with that way of thinking towards me and women in general...

THOUGHTS ???

Exactly @RantyAunty. How can he view your legitimate desire to have a career as an inconvenience and be pissed of that he needs to step up and behave like a functional parent. You don’t need that kind of selfish idiot in your life.

@TooManyPlatesInMotion well he's not perfect and we have our arguments but I never knew he felt this way ..

@Zofloramummy no he hasn't got in contact at all I've already left the house with the kids and won't be returning un till this evening. I'm not going to message him. If he messages me asking to see the kids that's fine but I won't be asking him if he wants to see them they are my responsibility right ? 

@RantyAnty that's exactly right !

@Zofloramummy that's so right he's never had to do anything for the kids because I've always been there happily! Soon come to realisation..

It’s a shock when you realise someone you loves and shared your life with views your role as a 1950’s housewife and doesn’t appreciate you as a human being.

Keep chasing your dream, smash that uni course and carry on being an amazing role model for your girls. Don’t be hoovered back with half hearted promises and emotional blackmail about the dc. When they grow up and make their own choices they’ll appreciate what a strong mum they have and will emulate you.

@Zofloramummy thank you for your kind words ❤️ I'm definitely shocked and yes your right he doesn't appreciate me as a human being and I've never known that until now. Yes I'm going to have my sad days but there is no way on Earth I would be with such a narrow minded human being. I know this is for the best x

Ok so unpopular opinion here: but if he's off to work every day then the children ARE your responsibility? It's only a fair 50:50 childcare split if you're both working full time out of the home?

However, he's a dick for not taking his daughter to nursery which is on his way to work while you're trying to get a degree. Don't really understand what his problem is here.

But she isn’t a SAH mum, she’s a student. That involves more than just uni days and dependant on the course can be 4 days a week in uni. She needs to study outside of that too. He’s being asked to do a very small part of the load, take one dc to nursery. That is apparently too much of a hassle. And for those families where one parent works and the other doesn’t, does that honestly mean that they bear 100% of the responsibility for running the house and the children? When is SAH parents time off? When does the working parent develop a good relationship with their dc? When do they support their partner?

@boatyIII well when they are with me and I'm watching them they are my responsibility as with him if he's got them on his own there his responsibility but he's meaning that even out of work they are always my responsibility I go to university and everything to do with them is still my responsibility I should take them both nursery school I should collect them both if I don't and he does that's me asking him for a favour ? I don't think so .. x

@Zofloramummy thanks hun. Yes I'm a student 2 days a week but I have 10 hours a week independent study as well plus assignments and independent reading. Me asking him to take his daughter to nursery is a favour no way

You maybe able to tell @GalwayGirl66745 that I have past experience of what you are going through! He’s my ex now lol

@Zofloramummy I'm glad to hear he's now an ex I'm sure it's contagious around men to be assholes

I’m really not sure why some men revert to some ideal of being the provider and needing to be waited on hand and foot. I think that it often goes under the radar until the woman looks like she might be able to be successful or earn more than them. It’s an ego thing I think, but they honestly don’t see that their behaviour is so unattractive and destructive to a relationship. It’s not a partnership of equals.