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Original poster

Being a step parent / cheating

22 replies

youngandconfused99 · 24/01/2020 22:08

Long story short I have been with DP for 3 years, he has two children by two women (5/9) the older child’s mum is lovely and supportive of my role in the family. Youngest mum is not, she wishes I didn’t exist.

I found out two months ago that DP had cheated on me during a rough patch and it was with her, he was devastated he hurt me, she loved it and kept messaging me to rub salt in the wound

Me and DP have decided to give it one more go, I love him and our family dearly. The mum will not let him move on, she guilt trips him constantly , he tries to make boundaries but she then says he’s a bad dad etc

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, but I am asking, should I feel sorry for her ? Should I consider how she feels? Or am I allowed to not care as she was once so cruel to me?

OP posts:
bigchris · 24/01/2020 22:11

How much do you love him?

Is he worth it ? The child they have together is only 5 so she is going to be in your lives for a hell of a long time

Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 24/01/2020 22:31

I love him a lot, I’m just so worried she will never back off, in the 4 years they’ve been apart she’s never even been on a date ( we have a few mutual friends ) so she’s just constantly after him back, it’s so many games.

I’m just so confused

OP posts:
flyingchip · 24/01/2020 22:35

I dont think you should be worried how she feels more the fact he will probably do it again and again, and by the sounds of it she will encourage it.

jimmyjammy001 · 24/01/2020 23:51

Two kids with 2 different women? Cheated on you with one of the mums? Do your self a favour op and move on, unless you like being taken advantage of, I know your hoping one more chance and he will change, but I'm willing to bet it will not. Sorry

Thestrangestthing · 24/01/2020 23:54

He is not devistated.

PixieDustt · 24/01/2020 23:56

Well he sounds delightful Hmm.
He went back to her whilst with you so he has no loyalty to you OP. It will only be a matter of time before he does it again. That's of course if he isn't already doing it behind your back.

YourVagesty · 25/01/2020 00:00

In all honesty OP, you can do so much better. You deserve more than what he's brought to your life. Flowers

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/01/2020 00:27

You deserve better than this man. I don't think he really loves you if he treats you like that

SandyY2K · 25/01/2020 00:48

A man with 2 young kids, by 2 different women...one of who is unpleasant and he cheats wife her during a rough patch.

What happens when the next rough patch happens? With a shared child they will always be in contact with each other.

Is he worth the headache and heartache?
He comes with a lot of baggage...what are his good points?

Apart from presenting himself as being devastated..... what exactly has he done to show remorse?

SandyY2K · 25/01/2020 00:49

I’m just so worried she will never back off

And that he'll give in to temptation again.

cabbageking · 25/01/2020 00:59

Depends what lies your OH has told her.
Perhaps she is hurt because of promises he made to her?
You will never know but they are equally to blame.

You have forgiven your DP who bears you loyalty and therefore need to forgive her as she has no responsibility to be loyal to you.
Doesn't mean you will be best buddies but what goes on between them re boundaries and comments I would leave to them.

He deserves everything he gets whilst you do not.

QueSera · 25/01/2020 01:06

He will do the same again and again whenever you have a rough patch.
Personally I would rather try to find someone who treated me better than that, and in the meantime I'd rather be on my own.

MMmomDD · 25/01/2020 01:09

Just don’t have kids with him. Or if you don’t be surprised when he leaves you when you child is a toddler.
Then you can watch him move on to another childless woman and she’ll come on here posting about Ex1, Ex2, and Ex3....
Of course there is a chance he’ll be sleeping with you behind his next woman’s back..
He is a prize indeed

Savingshoes · 25/01/2020 01:25

Guilt tripping, emotional blackmail call it what you will... she sounds like a delight. Cannot think why he wanted to move on.
No I do not think you should feel any pitty for this woman. She appears to be using her child as a pawn.
I would suggest your partner goes no contact with her and arranging contact with his child goes through a relative if possible.

Freezingold · 25/01/2020 01:27

That he cheated with an ex mother of his kids is a total deal breaker. Utterly and completely.

She will always have this hanging over you, because your DP has slept with her already and demeaned you, he doesn’t care even to realize how hurtful this is, and you can bet that they will still be flirting and inappropriate, even if he doesn’t cross the line sexually.

On top of that. Every time you have a minor argument, he will be in a powerful position as you will be triggered again and worried he will be tempted again. Your self esteem will suffer and if he spends a little bit longer than usual at her house you will feel awful. And always wonder.

You will be trying your best to prove to him how much better and sexier you are than ex wife, unconsciously. No judgement, I’ve done it. Because she is still a current threat.

So he has all the benefits do you see? He won’t want to lose you. Or her. He has you both trying to please him most.

Lalala205 · 25/01/2020 01:37

It's not her you need to think about. She hasn't broken any promises to you, she hasn't shattered your trust, she hasn't put you into this situation. On the other hand the man who claims to love you has done all of those things.

FourDecades · 25/01/2020 05:56

I totally understand why you're giving a second chance. I would have too but my XH didn't want me.

However the fact that she is the mother of his child is difficult because as PP have said, he can't cut ties with her.

So you'll always have that niggling doubt whenever they meet. If you feel you can cope with that and it doesn't change you as a person into someone jealous, possessive etc.... then you may have a chance as a couple.

But please don't sacrifice yourself for him.

In regards to her.... block her contact. She doesn't need to contact you. She has no loyalty to you especially as you have what she wants.

Scarsthelot · 25/01/2020 07:32

You are worried he will do it again.

Come on. She hasnt seen anyone else? Why? Do you really think your cheating boyfriend is so amazing she cant move on?

Or do you think it's more likely he is playing both of you?

He is definitely playing both of you. She will always be in your life while you are with him

He isnt devastated. He is enjoying having you squabble over him. You need some self respect and walk away from this shitty situation

Ginger1982 · 25/01/2020 10:10

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Every time you hit a 'rough patch' in the future, you'll be worried about him having contact with her, even if it's purely about their child. How long have you been together? How old are you? I would seriously consider if you want to deal with this going forwards.

litterbird · 25/01/2020 10:32

Oh dear, he’s not a keeper OP. Way too much drama and that drama will continue for years. He’s not the man for you. Find someone who displays loyalty and will not procreate and leave women. If you choose to stay, you will have to accept the ex, he may well sleep with her again and under no circumstances have children with him. His past behaviour will reflect his future behaviour.

crimsonlake · 25/01/2020 10:39

Are you really so desperate for a man that you will put up with this behaviour. Wake up and see what is really going on here.

ScreamingLadySutch · 25/01/2020 10:50

2 children with two different women?

That is the clue you overlooked.

He is not devastated he hurt you. Please don't have children with this immature person. Leave him to babymother #2.

Doesn't it occur to you he ADORES being the centre of all this?

"Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)"

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

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