Sat here in tears over guilt tripping Mother

[Jan2508]

Need advice
I have posted about my Mother before but here is a quick recap
She is elderly, only got me, quite selfish and controlling. I am 45 with a hubby and young daughter.
Mother is always ill with general, not concerning things. This is on a weekly basis and she does tend to thrive from the attention. This week it is a pain in her back. The GP is not concerned and has given a pain relief gel. I went on Saturday to rub her back and collect a prescription. I went on Sunday but she didn't need me to rub her as it was better. I called on Tuesday asking if she needed anything and she didn't. On Wednesday she went to the GP for the gel. I sent a text on Thursday to day I would go to her house to rub her back. I accidentally left phone at home when I went to work today so didn't know if she had messaged me to say she was fine. I must admit I did forget (not had a very good week at work and it did slip my mind).
She messaged me at 6.30pm asking if I was coming. I thought, oh boy, I am in trouble. I got my coat on and said "yes" but she replied to leave it as she was going to put the gel on herself and go to bed. It was agreed I would go tomorrow and call at the chemist for her too.

I have just received a really upsetting message from her that reads ",you know what, don't bother. I have managed this far and will continue. Before you ask, I am not angry, just disappointed in you but I haven't fallen out with you"
My message basically said that I was sorry she felt this way and that I did just genuinely forget. She replied saying she will not ask me to do things for her. I should know she is not well and that she has been unwell too often. I tried asking exactly what had upset her, was it just that I forgot today but she just replied that she wasn't getting into it. I said "I know you are fed up with your back do will take it on the chin". She replied "that's not what I am fed up about"
So what did I do, after years of this kind of behavior and controlling, I told her that I am not a mind reader, that I don't live with her to know how she is and that she needs to communicate with me and accept the offers of help I give (these offers are almost daily but she rarely accepts)
I told her that I was sorry she was disappointed but that I was not 18 years old anymore and that she needed to stop playing the martyr. I also put that "you were not wondering if anything was wrong with me when I didn't come tonight to rub your back, did you!". I told her that her comments were very hurtful and that I am trying to do my best.
I am now sat, sobbing like a baby and I wish that was this was the only time I have felt hurt, wronged and victimised by my own Mother but not so.
Have I just made things so much worse.
By the way, she is 76 and very mobile.

I feel so sorry for you, have a hug! Some people just abuse those who care the most because they know they can get away with it. She is being selfish and cruel and no you have not made things worse, she has...... she will be a bit peeved, a tad angry but I bet she has got on with her day and had a fairly normal evening whilst you are heartbroken and feeling terrible. It’s no reflection on you that she treats you like this so try not to take it personally - she sounds like she is having a crabby old bag moment, it’ll hopefully pass!

No you haven't, you've finally stood up for yourself. The amount of contact and help you are giving is way more than she deserves or your should be giving. You are an independent adult. I know it's easy to say, but you should not in any way feel guilty!

Thank you 😓. My Mother has always been like this and I have felt a lot of pain over the years. I constantly have to ask if it is me to blame. She is young for her years and very well and able, apart from a few aches and pains due to her age. However, she is always saying she is unwell. Some are the norm and some are her own fault. She refused help from her GP, she won't go to the dentist when she needs to etc. I feel like I am looking after someone that is not capable. I call/ message her often and constantly offer to help with shopping etc but she almost always refuses. My husband knows what she is like. He said I try too hard but I know I will get her wrath if I don't and the guilt she makes me feel is too much at times. I have a brother but he is a 4 hour drive away.
I am so tired of this behavior. Just when I feel it's getting better, she does it again.
If it was just today, I would say oh well, she is feeling sorry for herself. But it's not. It's what's happened before. "don't move too far from me, I don't want to be alone", "Why wasn't I invited" etc. I can't tell her anything anymore and she never asks about me anyway. It's all about Mum. I actually really dislike her.
I don't want to go tomorrow to rub her back for obvious reasons. Every incident just edges me closer to giving up this toxic relationship What do you think??
My Dad is the same age and lives alone. Poor bloke never gets a look in but never holds it against me

You could do with some counselling so you can learn to set some boundaries with your mother. You don't seem to realise that you are not obliged to pander to her every whim in this way. She's healthy for her age, perfectly capable of caring for herself, and completely unappreciative of you. She does not deserve you. Not your effort, not your tears.

So get some help for yourself and start saying no to her without guilt.

Mum was the same until I stood up to her and told her I wasn't going to see her if all she could do was moan and that I would go on xday but would leave if she was rude.

I had to walk out once fairly soon and again after a few weeks when she thought it was over. She never did it again.

Agree with what's been said here. Have had similar episodes with a parent. It is hard because they know how vulnerable you are to their manipulative ways. They try to make you feel you're a bad person if you don't take their crap. Try to tell yourself you are doing enough. You may have to confront her and be assertive. Set some boundaries and stick to them, don't cave in to guilt. It will be hard, but empowering. You deserve respect and she needs to show it if she is lonely. Good luck!

My mum never stood up to her mum when she had the chance then spent about 6 years watching her deteriorate with Parkinsons and Dementia while trying to help and still being upset/downtrodden for her troubles. Now her mum is dead and she's had counselling to figure out what her feelings towards her evrbn are before she could figure out how to grieve.

It's so confusing when your own parent treats you with such contempt. You must find self validation from elsewhere and unfortunately accept your mum is never going to be the mum you deserve.

Agree with her that she can cope without your help and just stop offering. She doesn't need help. She's not grateful when you do help. She never reciprocates help. So don't bother. There are plenty of other things you can do with your time.

Are you the poster whose DM tried to manipulate into not going camping last summer?
Tell her to see a professional about her aches and pains, then you can go spend time with someone who actually gives a shit about you.

I found this book enormously helpful: www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

And lots of counselling! Transactional analysis helped me but as PP said - anything that helps you establish healthy boundaries. It's shocking and confusing when you realise how unhealthy a parent relationship is. Good luck x

What the other respondents have written here.

Its not you, its your mother.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are your roles here?. You are probably one of the very few people, perhaps even the last one left, who actually bothers with her at all. This is because you got special training from her from childhood to put her first with your own needs dead last.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way (her own family did that; what if anything do you know about her own childhood because that often gives clues). I would also think your mother has no friends either; there is good reason why that is too. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed at all since your own childhood. You are mired in your own fear, obligation and guilt re her and she uses that against you as well.

Please do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and find a BACP registered therapist, one at that who has no familial bias either. Interview such people carefully before committing; these people are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Your brother put a four hour distance between himself and his mother for good reason too; he cannot abide the woman. You certainly need to put more mental and physical distance between you and your mother (a woman who is really not worthy of the term).

You write that your dad is the same age and lives alone (can I take that to mean he and your mother are no longer together?). What is he like to you now?.

Thanks everyone ❤️
That wasn't me Ragglesnaggle but might as well be!
My DM lost her dad suddenly when she was about 10 but she didn't know him well due to him being away in the army. Her DM was is mourning for years and was never the same after. She was a Stern woman and showed little affection to her kids. My DM paints the picture of her always being the victim. As a child in the family and as an adult with most people/family. My Grandmother was controlling, I believe but I didn't live my DM's life so it's hard to really to know for sure.
My Brother lived with DM for years then suddenly met a woman, married and moved with in 6 months. I think he must have been fed up but he doesn't ever say anything.
My DM divorced my DD 10 years ago after 40 years. I always thought my DD was to blame but I am now not sure, which is confusing. She did control and manipulate him although he was not faultless.
DM has no friends, she does attend social groups but there is always someone she doesn't like and will often stop going and fall out with things.
She has no friends, has fallen out with her sister and there is no one else. My brother visits every now and then. So it just leaves me.
I did offer to go today, she declined in her mood but I am not going. I have just come home from an appointment to find my husband still in bed after a night out and my 8 year old in bed on her phone. He was having a rest apparently.
Fed up is an understatement.

Mothers are fucking awful people, that’s my assumption after a lifetime of shit from my crazy mother. Focus on been the best mother you can your daughter and let her crack on - that’s what I’ll be doing once my baby is here in June.

I think you need to stop asking her if she is upset.

Eg

She said ‘don’t bother I will do it.’
You could reply ‘great you are felling better, have a good sleep’

Next time she says not to bother say ok. Not ‘are you angry with me ?’

Ignore the attempts at guilt tripping and only give as much of yourself as you can afford to lose

Your dm should be helping you if you work. 76 is not old. My df is 89 and still does his own shopping and housework. He has no family nearby and has to manage .
Stop playing her silly games. You could actually do her a favour by making her sort her own life out.

I have a mother like this. This is abusive behavior!!
It has taken alot of counselling to get me free from her. She now knows that unless she is dying, dont even breath a word of any illness in my direction.
The fact that you are 45 and so controlled by her, she is toxic.

Just reading all your comments again. They are so helpful and I am very grateful to you all. What great advice 👍
I haven't contacted her again. I was very upset yesterday but had a good talk with my husband and that helped. He knows what I go through and what my DM is like.
I know I can't go on ignoring her forever, it's just like pretending the problem isn't there. I have looked at counseling but would struggle to afford it.
AttilaTheMeerkat - you asked about my DD, he is a kind man and very laid back. He has a lot of friends, goes away often and is busy socially. Unfortunately, he has taken little interest in me through out my whole life. He never really got that interested so never celebrated my successes nor told me off for my wrongdoings.
He rarely calls me but also doesn't expect much from me either. He certainly wouldn't be upset if I didn't contact him for some time but at the same time, don't expect him to get in touch either!
This means that he doesn't really have a connection with his only granddaughter either. He never asks about her or calls to see how she is. He is quite a selfish person. I also don't really have a good relationship with my brother who is a very difficult person to like.
He is very opinionated and a bit of a bully. DM had him out if wedlock in the 60's which was a big no no. My grandmother told me DM to leave her no good fellow and move in with her or she wouldn't have anything to do with her again. Isn't that nice!
My brother was spoilt because of this and has been allowed to do what he wants and get away with it for years. He has never worked, got in trouble with the law and did what he wanted.
Now don't get me wrong, there have been times in my life when I have needed help and they all have come to offer their help. My DM has been very supportive but I have to say the good is out weighed with the bad.
Aren't we the Walton's!

I am sorry that she doesn’t appreciate you. It sounds like she uses emotional blackmail to get what she wants and uses it for the attention. You offer and it’s not right she makes you feel bad for it.