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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed partner, when to stop trying.

9 replies

Beelzebop · 24/01/2020 20:26

This is a really difficult post to write so apologies if it's unclear. I think my partner is emotionally abusive. I am unsure but, he's really not nice sometimes let's call it that. I think it's affecting our DC. Any talk is a no no, he acts oblivious to any misdeeds. It's all my doing or fault. I have found out he's not been taking his antidepressants, just cause. His mood has been awful, so that is linked. His depression is not the issue. I have suffered really badly with anxiety and depression so I have understanding. However, he will.not engage in any chat, treatment, is very non talkative, on occasion drunk and nasty. His behaviour over the last few years has caused.me anxiety and I think, many other stress related symptoms and some of the things he has said have been really awful. Now, he speaks to me as little as possible. I don't know if it's reasonable to leave your depressed DH really. I feel disloyal. What do you think and thank you.

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Cath2907 · 24/01/2020 20:35

He sounds really nasty. Being depressed doesn’t give you the right to treat your partner badly. I left my husband after our 14 year marriage because being depressed didn’t give him the right to treat me badly and make me and DD miserable.

We are divorced, DD is noticeably happier and more outgoing. I’m happier and more relaxed. Ex has a new job, new flat and new girlfriend. He seems happier. I agonised first 2 years before leaving him. I felt SO guilty. It was best thing for all concerned I only wish I’d done it sooner.

Cath2907 · 24/01/2020 20:36

Not “first 2years”. Should say “for 2 years”.

Ohnoherewego62 · 24/01/2020 20:38

When did it all start and when did you notice a change in him?

If he isnt willing to help himself then it's unfair for you to do all the running.

Beelzebop · 24/01/2020 21:03

Thanks Cath, it's nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable I think his depression was diagnosed a couple of years ago. He was prescribed antidepressants on a medium dosage. Unfortunately I'm not sure it's depression tbh. He drinks unhealthily, could be alcoholic and gets nasty. I think he's down now because he verbally abused me last weekend and I have given up since tbh.

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Beelzebop · 24/01/2020 21:04

But now I feel like an evil witch.

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pointythings · 24/01/2020 21:05

I had one of those. Depressed, drank to cover it, got worse. After much nagging on my part went for help and was prescribed antidepressants, but kept right on drinking so cancelled them out. Never wanted to make any of the other life changes suggested to him either - all he wanted was to be rescued.

In the end the alcohol took over and it all ended very badly. When they don't want to help themselves, it's OK to walk away - especially when there are children involved.

user3575796673 · 24/01/2020 21:07

He's abusive. You are not an evil witch.

Depression is a side issue.

You are not unreasonable to leave an abusive situation. This is no good for you or the children.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

Beelzebop · 24/01/2020 21:33

Thank you both! I know you're right I have looked before at the freedom programme but avoided it. I am not a joiner. I'm going to do it on line though.

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Beelzebop · 24/01/2020 21:35

Do you think that the more I stand up for myself the worse he will get?

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