What I've learnt about female friendships

[FizzAfterSix]

Female friendships can be very intimate and strong and when they go wrong, there is fall out, just like in a marriage. Men don’t generally make such close friendships with their own sex and their closest friend is often their partner.

I had a close friend for 5 years who made a drunken pass at my husband, but I wasn’t bothered as I’m not a jealous person and he didn’t find her at all attractive.

Then when he started to become verbally abusive to me in front of her, she’d never stick up for me.

Once she rang up drunk to say he was only with me because I had money and that it was my fault he was abusive and that I should have protected her from having to witness it.

Cut my losses after that.

Oddly enough, shouty ex and I are still mates and she is still single.

I had a frenemy of 20 years who I’d supported as a single mum, always paying for everything when we went out and offering emotional support. When I got together with my ex she asked to `borrow' him for a singles night, as she had to bring a male partner and as he was very social he agreed. She made a pass at him and he brushed it off, later we had a laugh about it.

When the relationship grew toxic she disappeared and when I had a breakdown, took an overdose and waded into the sea to drown (by a miracle survived) and later, desperately, asked her for support, she couldn’t be seen for dust.

Then she was about to be evicted and got in touch to borrow money for her rent – I was happy to lend it to her. She paid it back and I didn’t hear much from her. Later she had to crowd fund for an operation and unsurprisingly, I didn’t offer to help.

We’ve recently been seeing more of each other because of mutual friends and she said to them; `when I was ill, the people with the most money gave the least’, rather pointedly about me I felt. Other friends looked very shocked and said how dreadful. But they never knew how she had abandoned me at my time of need.

I don’t want anything more to do with her now as while she is entertaining she has too many issues around money and utterly, utterly thick skinned.

I've got a lovely bunch of friends now and would rather focus on them.

You’ve always got to know when to pull the plug. Treat yourself with self-respect and friends pick up on this and treat you accordingly.

My sympathies op. I've experienced similar friendships. My best friend of ten years has now gone awol since she met another lady a few months ago. It's isolating.

I've had some horrors too come to think of it. Honestly, there's some fucked up people about.

Christ OP.. to be fair.. it sounds like you've had more toxic friends than most..

You’ve always got to know when to pull the plug. Treat yourself with self-respect and friends pick up on this and treat you accordingly.

Fully agree OP. Although I've a hopeless track record re: self respect in the romantic relationships department, I've always been pretty ruthless with friends. Life's too short for toxicity.

Focus on the lovely bunch of friends you mentioned. Make time and room in your life for them and clear out the dead wood. It makes for a clearer headspace.

But even your own OP recognises that these were just two unpleasant individuals, and that you have other, good friendships, so I’m not sure what you’re generalising about?

I don’t mean this to be harsh but have you thought about the fact that you’ve described several abusive/toxic relationships that you’ve been involved in? I’d describe what you’ve experienced more along those lines.
I think friendships are the same as romantic relationships in that they can be just as abusive or toxic.
I’ve found the one close friendship breakdown I’ve had more distressing than any relationship breakdown and still mourn the loss of the friendship years later particularly as I recognise what I did wrong which contributed to that.

user1493413286 I agree that a breakdown of a good friendship can be as upsetting as the losing a romantic partner and yet the focus is usually on the latter.

Female friendships are more complex in some ways and I find other people's experiences so interesting. There is a weekly letter in the Telegraph now where a different person discusses a friendship conundrum, hence me thinking about my own shock horror experiences.

Lots of good therapy was the key and understanding that the way you treat yourself is reflected by the way others treat you. So if you're down on yourself, have low self esteem and self confidence, the wrong sort of people can zoom in and exploit it.

@Sleeveen, I'm not really generalising but indulging it a spot of retrospective rumination, and wondering out loud why I put up with crap for so long.

When you write something down you think, wow, who puts up with that kind of abuse.

How I wish that I knew then what I know now, but we get there eventually.

The great thing about these forums is that we learn so much from other people's experiences - I've learnt nearly everything I know about abuse via Mumsnet and this knowledge gave me the strength to walk away from bad relationships and understand what constitutes a healthy one.

Perhaps someone will read my experience and pick up something from it.

Learning healthy remained patterns is not straightforward for some of us, bumble. Those of us who have weathered rubbish relationships usually have a history of familial abuse - we have to wade through sorting that out before our current relationships start to improve.

*relationship not remained

I totally agree with you, I am seeing a 28 year friendship turn sour because my friends personality has completely changed over the last 2 years. I have helped her so much, been there for her when she is hound through things I also went through, and she couldn’t be found for dust. I look back now and see how unequal it has been.

So I completely agree with you. It’s like a breakup.

I have some amazing friends, including female friends who I know I can absolutely rely on. I don't have many friends though as I am careful. I know I am susceptible to being exploited. I have a lot of baggage from my past and was in an abusive relationship. I've had some toxic friends in amongst it all.

At this point in my life I know myself well enough to know who I can and can't trust, finally. Probably a bit like you, OP.

There is a difference between female “friends” and female “friendships”. This is not a play on words.

Those we are in a friendship with will stand by each other through thick and thin.

Then you have “friends” who turn out not to be friends at all. It looks like this is what has happened here.