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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands constant lying broke us

3 replies

serenity13 · 24/01/2020 17:31

last year my husband confessed that he lost all our savings when he gave his money to a guy he knew (briefly) and was supposedly going into business with him, he even borrowed money from people and the man ended up running away. He said he didn't want to tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise that he would be a partner in his own business. I was furious but I could tell he was very upset about it, I have some family money and had no option but to use it - I had to lie to my father about how my DH lost our money. I paid for rent and school for 6 months plus any expenses - I even helped him pay off the people he owed money to. DH barely saves money also because he supports his mother and father. A few months later I discovered from my SIL that DH was using hard core drugs, we were living in different cities because of his work schedule, so I had no idea, he did loose lots of weight which I assumed was due to the stress of losing money. Turns out he was on drugs for over 4 months. he quit on his own, and wanted that part of his life forgotten so he didn't tell me and I discovered by accident. I was crushed. it made me question everything. the nights when he said he was too tired to take a 45 min flight to come and see me and our kids.. instead he was getting as high as a kite. we have 2 together and I am also raising his teenage daughter (his ex is not in the picture) . it made me question If losing the money was actually a legit business deal and he didn't even have any documents to prove it. even when dh did come home he was minimally involved with the kids. so obviously I resented him. So many things and yet I decided to stick it out and make it work. I took us to therapy but it was short lived, he tried to fix a few things here and there but I felt it was too little too late. nevertheless I tried to be a loving and supportive wife until last month when he started sleeping out of the house a few nights - told him I would not tolerate it, he did it 2 more times, I discovered he lied to me about his flight time and he went out with the guys to "blow off some steam" that was the final straw. He didn't even seem that bothered that I caught him in a lie. ive gone back to live with my parents for the time being and told him I couldn't live with him anymore. He said he would give couples therapy another go and I said no HE would need therapy first before we work on us. He confessed that he didn't love me anymore - the only reason he would probably want to try to make it work is for the kids. I don't know what im asking for by posting this here, maybe some validation that I put up with enough and its time to move on. Am I making the right choice?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 24/01/2020 18:03

Of course it's the right choice!

You should run, galloping for joy that you will be free from a crack head/heroin user who squandered all your money on class As. Lied to you for months, had you lying to your family to cover for him, hasn't bothered with any of this children leaving all childcare to you, let you spend your savings paying off his debts.

Why in the name of all that's holy would you stay with him? Unless of course you love pathological liars, drug addicts and neglectful partner's and fathers. Don't have more therapy with him. Divorce him. Get away from him and go to therapy to work out why the hell you stuck with him in the first place.

ScreamingLadySutch · 24/01/2020 18:11

Sadly addicts are the worst people for lying, manipulating, abusing, exploiting when in the grip of their most important relationship [the drug]

Stay away, stay well away. Practice Radical Acceptance (THIS IS WHO HE REALLY IS).

Divorce, fix your credit, go to Al Anon/Narc Anon to learn how to protect yourself, have boundaries, detach with love instead of trying to control, fix and rescue. It is not your job to fix him. You have no right to demand he be who you want him to be. He has to experience his own consequences without your intervention (to stop them/protect him from them).

Sorry for your pain but don't let him drag you down any more.

serenity13 · 24/01/2020 19:23

the reason I am asking is because this is not the man I married. we had about 4-5 good years before any of this happened. I believe he is off hard core drugs, and he is just self destructive when it comes to dealing with stress. he is still doing well at work. His father just suffered a stroke 3 months ago and it doesn't look good. so circumstances are stressful. he's saying that I emotionally pushed him away - mind you I had 2 children under 2 and a step daughter to deal with. and he's saying that the minute times get difficult im running away while he's hit rock bottom. Basically he's using me as his excuse from his behavior and trying to guilt me. I see what he is trying to do.. but I do feel guilt about leaving his daughter who ive become very close to. I literally just up and left. I do realize I am better off without him but I am trying to keep it as civil as possible for the kids and for no other family members to get involved.

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