How do I fix any of this?

[StartAtNoonKeepOnGoing]

This will be a bit of an essay; I just need to get it out.

DH has announced that he wants to move to his home country. It’s not somewhere anyone would reasonably choose to relocate (political instability, corruption, no rule of law, bad weather). He’s unhappy in the UK because he has no friends and feels he doesn't fit in, but he’s done nothing to try to make friends and if I try to help him/introduce him to people he sabotages it. I think he’s remembering life in his early 20s with his student mates. (They've all left.) I’m worried our marriage is going to end since I don’t see how we’re supposed to reconcile this. Nowhere else (to him) is an option, London is a shithole, the UK is a shithole, the British are all cold drunkards etc.

I’m in love with my friend's DH and have been for a while. I saw him looking at me “that way” iyswim and it set me off. I think about him every waking moment - I have a blissful 10 seconds or so first thing in the morning but then I remember him and it hits me. I’d never cheat but I can’t get him out of my head. It’s mutual to some degree at least. His wife has no idea and keeps sending us off together with the kids/leaving us together. It’s affecting my marriage, in the obvious way.

My relationship with DS is suffering because I feel like I don’t have the headspace to deal with him (because I'm either thinking about that guy or worrying about my marriage ending). I’m getting shouty and irritable and I hate it.

My closest friend is the wife of the guy mentioned above. I’m seeing less and less of her lately. She thinks I’m irritated with her because of differences in how we parent but actually I’m just jealous and hard as I try it comes out. I'd be incredibly sad to lose the friendship but a) I'm not good at hiding my feelings and b) what the hell kind of friend am I, anyway.

So there we go. How do I fix any of this? Nothing’s externally wrong, from the outside I look like somebody very together and easy going with lots of friends etc but I’m imploding from the pressure and want to harm myself some days.

Separate the issues. Decide between you if there is any future in your marriage. You need to set aside any feeling for friend's dh, it sounds fanciful and probably one sided. He has a lot more to lose.

Your crush on your friend's dh is probably because he's the only male that you see regularly and your husband sounds like a very negative person so it's probably making him unattractive to you.

Decide what you want to do in your marriage and then focus on either splitting and then eventually being free to meet available men or staying with your husband and getting the love and spark back.

Split up with DH. Spend some time 100 percent focusing on your DS, take him to see your DH in his home country for holidays. Consider relationships for yourself after you have rebuilt love with DS and stopped shouting. Obvs stop thinking about your friend's DH completely and always - every time you think of him, think of something else, consciously. Consider telling her you are jealous but not that you have a crush on him.

Just ideas obviously.

You're putting all your energy into daydreams and what-if scenarios. Where are your practical plans for your own life, hobbies, career, fun stuff with your son? Fix it by taking back control of your own future and let your husband sit there self-sabotaging and pining for a reality that only exists in his own head. As for your friend's DH he is a selfish knobhead and you and him have zero future, hope that helps.

I guess you need to divorce DH
Friends DH is a red herring really, make an effort to put it out of your mind, he is only so attractive to you because of your current issues with DH.

As above. Treat the 2 issues as separate.

Split with your DH, marriage sounds doomed.

Can you see your friend without her DH there? Go cold turkey on him. It's a crush and will pass. You're energy is being directed at him because you are unhappy with your marriage.

Can you see your friend without her DH there?

I try to make plans with her but he's either about or occasionally she'll have some work crisis and send him instead. Which is then impossible to get out of because she'll know that he's the problem. It's also been years now. It doesn't matter if I see him/don't see him, he's in my head all the time.

The crush is a form of escapism. Don't step over the line, because it really isn't worth it. It is all fantasy.

I agree with the PP - split from your DH as it doesn't sound your marriage is going anywhere. If you don't want to relocate, it is the only option going forward. Let him go! Concentrate on yourself and your children.

If you want to keep your friend, arrange to see her without her DH being involved. Stop accepting the play dates/trips out with her DH, pretend you are busy doing something else. Only you can stop this.

If you're not happy in your marriage then leave but FFS stay away from your friends DH

Why would she send her dh to meet you, unless it was just a playdate for the children. How old are they? You are clearly reading too much into his looks! You need to meet her one to one, or decline her dh going instead when she cancels.

Do you want to fix this?
Your so called best friend doesn’t even see you- so how is she your closest friend? You’re fantasising about her husband and believe he is about you. What does that say about your friendship?
Maybe the best thing would be to move with your husband and make a go of your marriage far far away from your friend and her husband.

They're young LIZ, playdate age. So she'll occasionally arrange some activity with me but then at the last minute she's have some (legitimate) work crisis or whatever and ask if "Jack" can bring their son along. How do I decline at that point, when an hour earlier we were all set to go? And no, I don't think I'm reading too much into his looks - one, there's more behaviour on his side that I'm not mentioning and two, I'm historically pretty good at reading people.

Tbh get a grip here!
This guy is (a) married and (b) to your mate
Don't give it headspace. Get a divorce and if you want to then go on some dates.
It sounds like you aren't being a very good friend to this woman so consider ditching this friendship too. Move on with your life OP. There are plenty more fish.