Our relationship is foundering and I don't know what to do

[firewalkeruk]

If I was to give you the full background for my problem it would take several pages and most of you wouldn't believe the half of it anyway. Suffice to say that over the last 50 years I and my wife and our children have had a variety of issues and we have had to deal with more than most.
The latest issue started three weeks ago at our eldest son's 40th birthday.
His mum and I were invited to his home for an evening party and a table quiz my dil had compiled.
There had been a WhatsApp group set up and members of our family and my dil's were all listed on the group and involved in the chat. Lots of friendly banter and everything was great.
Then comes the evening. We arrive, late as usual as my wife has social phobias and OCD but everyone knows that and it is the subject of good natured jokes in our families.
However when we arrive we discovered that our eldest boys father and his new 'companion are at the party. He and my wife have been separated and divorced for over 37 years, our relationship was partly to blame but their marriage was deeply damaged anyway.
We have asked DS to let us know if his father is attending social events so we can decide whether or not to attend and if we do at least we are forwarded. However this time no mention had been made and my wife's ex had not been included in the WhatsApp group not talked about there.
My wife's ex and his new companion where seated at the largest table along with dil's parents and when my wife went to sit next to dil's mother we were ushered to another table a remote distance from the group of her ex, his companion and dil's parents.
Over the course of the evening my wife and I tried to join in the conversation but our interaction felt stilted and eventually we stopped trying only to watch ex husbands companion to become the centre of attention, the life and soul of the party so to speak.
Anyway before they left dil's parents came and spoke to us for a while, 10 minutes or so and then left on good terms. Shortly after dw's ex and his companion leave and once gone our youngest son turns to his mother and starts telling her how rude she had been not talking to ex's companion.
My wife, now very distraught, breaks down and calls ex-husband a rapist and all hell breaks loose.
My eldest shoves us out of his home calling his mother a disgrace and blaming her for everything that has gone wrong in his life.
Now to be clear, my wife was attacked by her ex just after I met her and she was taken to the hospital and made a statement to the police. However she decided not to press charges and I moved in the next day and our relationship developed from there.
She never told anyone except me about what happened as she didn't want to ruin her sons relationship with their father.
Now this has all come out our youngest and middle son have been very supportive but the eldest boy has refused to see his mother and my wife feels she has lost him, our dil and our 4 grandchildren.
She is very depressed and has threatened to kill herself as she feels she is to blame for ruining everyone's life.
I am so lost and don't know how to help. I don't know if this can ever be fixed.

Oh gosh, you have my sympathy. I’m a 38 year old daughter of a somewhat complicated marriage. My parents are both divorced now and have new partners - one of whom was involved in break up of marriage. Those wounds take a long time to heal and I know my mum similarly gives herself a hard time for not being a good enough mum.

Has your wife ever had any counselling in relation to her ex and him attacking her? x

@7996cath My wife has been in and out of counselling over the last 30+ years. I don't ask her what she discusses as I don't want to pressure her. She has been referred back to counselling yet again because of the break down of the relationship with eldest DS.
Right now I see how broken and hurt she is and each day she withdraws further into herself.
I feel that there is a distance between us. I can be there for her but I can't fix her, she needs to do that, I can only walk the path with her.

Can your younger children not speak to eldest child about this? Explain what’s happened and how it has effected your wife and see if there’s any possible way he’ll speak to his mum again? This will be a lot for him to take in that his dad is a rapist and he sounds like he’s in denial. It will take time.

You sound like such a supportive husband 👍🏻 and your wife is obviously heartbroken and fearing the worst for her relationship with her eldest.

Are there any avenues for reconciliation? Sounds like there is a lot at stake with 4 grandchildren xx

Thank you ladies for the feedback.
Our eldest has already estranged himself from his brother, our middle boy and they haven't spoken in almost a year.
Our youngest, the son I have with my wife, is on talking terms with his big brother but is reluctant to push the issue.
I messaged my dil earlier and asked after her, our son and their children and got a short reply to the extent that ds does not wish to talk about anything in the past and that in her view time is a great healer. When I asked were we stood in regards to calling ds or visits I got no reply.

Your poor wife. Does the son have his dad on a pedestal? If so there may be no comeback from this as the word rapist is out there now.

What was your wife's relationship with eldest son like prior to this party?

If son chooses to cut his mum out there is little you can do. I think he is protesting right now at the insult levelled at the dad and refuses to believe/accept there is any truth in it.

I'm glad your wife has you.

Just thought of something that someone shared with me when me and my mum were struggling. I was suffering from a bout of anxiety and she felt guilty because this started in childhood for me and never went away.

We were in danger of falling out and a therapist told me about non violent communication. I don’t use it religiously but when someone pushes my buttons I do try and use it to think about how to communicate rather than lashing out with something that’s going to make me feel better but hurt them. I guess the danger in this sort of situation is that tensions are running so high that we end up saying things we later regret and which just add to the pain. Hope it’s of some use.
www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm