Still cant believe this is happening

[Cantsleep22]

've posted a few times on here over the last few months but just feel like my situation is not easing at all. In fact it seems to be spiraling out of control

My ex husband left on the 5th August for "space" and never came back. To this day he has never explained his reasons for leaving. By the 22nd August i'd found out there was someone else involved, a colleague from his work. He has since moved in with her (end of september to my knowledge) and now she has a baby on the way. I cannot catch my breath at the speed of all of this. I believe they were having an affair but he claims they wern't.

On top of all of this I had a 6 year old and a 7 month old when he left. I was breastfeeding and life was hard enough. He left when I needed him most.

I have since returned back to work 3 long 12 hour days. I am coping money wise now as I have an income, benefits and child maintenance set up.

We have attended mediation for access to the children as I have also found out he has a more serious drink problem than I first thought. He has been drinking in the mornings and has hid it from me for years. I finally caught him out due to security cameras we have on the house. I asked him not to drive the children so he had been seeing them at his moms and i was dropping them off. My eldest then told me he had been taking them in the pub before lunch time and he was drinking then! I said he could only see them at my house which he has done a few times but now he doesn't want to do. He has also cancelled mediation and claims he is taking me to court. He has only seen the children for 2 hours since boxing day.

We have a joint mortgage and we both want to sell up. He has said on a couple of occasions (and in messages) that I can have all of the equity. In return I wont ask for any shares, investments or pensions to be considered. The equity is 50k which will be a nice deposit for a 3 bed semi in my area. I have asked him to sign a consent order to get this all legalised but he is refusing to until I let him have the girls which I wont be blackmailed over. No win situation! Every month there is a battle over paying the mortgage. We currently pay half each. He left it to go two months into arrears before xmas which caused alot of tension.

I'm sorry this is so long but needed to get it all written down and see what other peoples views were. I am currently town between paying solicitors to help me move on with the house or for the court case over access to the children

Keep a diary of everything.
Times and dates etc.....
Keep all messages.
Do NOT agree to 50K.
What shares does he have and what pension pot does he have.
You may be entitled to far more than that so seek legal advice.
You may be able to find a solicitor in your area that does a free or reduced rate consultation so phone around.
But definitely get some legal advice fast.

Do yourself a favour..... Get some advice from a lawyer

ive found out hes been paying into a savings type scheme at work since 2017 £100 a month, hes due a pay out this year. He has numerous bank accounts I didnt know about and also a couple of isas i thought were for the children but when i called up the building society to query them I was told they dont do childrens isas!

He has just purchased a 42k car and has 2 credit cards. Is he trying to rack up debt or appear to have more debt and is hiding away money is these other bank accounts?

I have found two solicitors one charges £220 + vat per hr and the other £100 + vat. Obviously the cheaper one is more affordable but is this like the saying goes you get what you pay for?

Do not agree to £50k. Presumably you have taken maternity leave twice and subsequently have less in savings and in a pension (from the time you weren’t working but also the knock on effect on your career of taking a career break and only being able to return to work part time). It would not be fair for you not to share his savings and pension.

but by asking for a share of savings and pensions will i not be having to also share the mortgage? This means a smaller property for me and the girls now? I have no idea what savings he has got or what his pension is worth. We are both early 30's.He has just purchased a 42k car on finance and has 2 credit cards which he is buying things on. Is this to rack up debt? Will the courts be able to find any money he has hidden away as I feel this is what he may be doing i.e putting it into his new gfs bank account!

Yes, he’s trying to rack up debt.

So how does this debt affect me? Will the new baby come into consideration before it’s born?

Gosh, what a horrible situation OP, I'm so sorry. So basically it has been less than 5 months and he's shacked up and started a family elsewhere!?

I agree with all the PP re: not accepting £50k. Definitely see a solicitor ASAP.

With regards to the new baby of the OW, that will affect your maintenance payments when it is born. Payments to your children will more likely reduce.

He might be trying to rack up debts to claim bankruptcy. Fine, let him do it...as long as they are registered to his new address and not yours, let him go into debt. It will be him and the OW having to deal with that issue. The only problem you have is whether he starts to default on the mortgage payments to which he is obviously still tied into paying at the moment.

I could have written this myself 10 years ago.
While going through court (to get my ex to see the children more) the judge said I could stay in the house until my youngest turned 18, my ex husband signed a court order/contract to say that if I didn’t become the sole owner before that time then at the point of sale all equity would be mine.

I still have 6 years left and am now in a position where I can afford the mortgage on my own so just working through that.

Can his new girlfriend not help with the children and drive them places when he has access...? I was very much you wanted this so you play happy families and see the children every other weekend plus one night in the week. I felt that as she was pregnant with my children’s sibling then she should step up as step mum including school runs, baths, homework etc... If my ex ever said he could t have them as he was busy or Ill or similar I told him I’m not his babysitter and he had a gf/parents who could help him out. As the children have got older I am more flexible but only because they don’t want to see him as much.

The drinking would be my only issue but he has a gf that can help so I’d just tell him straight what your rules are.

Don't except the 50k. He's offering it that means he is worth so much more
What with pensions ect. Get a good solicitor and fight for half of everything.
Don't except what he offers. X

@Kezmum14 you are a much stronger person than I am. I still don’t want my kids to meet her yet. It’s only been 5 months! My eldest is still getting used to her dad not being here. I can’t even imagine her meeting this new woman who is pregnant with her sibling. It’s just so messed up. I don’t even know the woman so can’t even start to trust her with the kids especially when drink is involved. She may be as bad. I saw in social media she was drinking the end of November, she is now 3 months pregnant. She either didn’t know she was pregnant or was drinking anyway. I know I can’t control everything but I feel this is my only control of keeping my children safe. He can see them and he was at his parents but he was still taking them to the pub. He didn’t respect the trust I put in him on the one day a week he had them. I just don’t know what the answers are

Also don’t think they like to award the house anymore they prefer to go for a clean break so the house will have to be sold. It’s a 4 bed detached and I can’t afford the mortgage so it’s a no brainier 😔

You need legal advice.

There are too many unknowns to make any decisions.

I feel for you, it's a horrible mess at the moment. It will get resolved, but not without proper legal assistance. I'd go with the cheaper one, you can always change if you're not happy with them.

Oh that’s rubbish about the house but at least it’s a clean break and a fresh start for you. I actually hated her seeing the children but when I was thinking rationally I thought this was the best way for the OW to realise what she’d got involved in and what her new responsibilities were. It was difficult but I did value the break I had from the children. I didn’t have any issues with their safety though so I’m sure things would have been different had I worried about them.
It’s a horrible situation to be in and it did take me around 18 months to be fully over it. I only ever speak to my ex via text now, he is still with the OW, within 3 months of their new baby arriving, they married (exactly 1 month after our divorce came through)

I felt like it was never ending, like I was always wait g for the next thing but really it gets easier. I couldn’t care less what he does now.

Do not under any circumstances accept the 50k .As others have said here ,Pensions ,investments and so on will be worth a lot more than that! Regarding him shacking up with a new woman so soon is truly despicable .Make sure he keeps up payments for your DC .What kind of a man does this?Seriously .I think he has a drink problem for sure by the sounds of it!

Take legal advice before you agree to anything for the sake of yourself and your children
If your husband is offering 50k its quite possible he is keeping a lot more in assets for himself

PLEASE...Do NOT agree to the £50k as your settlement.

That £50k is the total equity, so you are already entitled to £25k, so really, all that he is giving you here is £25k.

There will be no chance that his Pension and investments are worth less than £25k ....that's why he is so keen to just let you have the equity, if it keeps you away from his other assets.

You need his Pension provider to send him a written valuation of his pension pot as it stands. Be aware, that you do not have to place a stake on his Pension for later in life, you can half of his pension pot as cash right now This is what I did. So, we sold the marital home, and I got the lions share of the money, because he was walking away with a much larger Pension that me.

I think you can get a forensic accountant to trace Bank accounts.

If your career took a hit to have the kids, you can also demand more money from the settlement - it's called "Economic Recompense"

Don't forget to allow for car values also.

My separation agreement cost me £1500....but I gained far more than this by having a Shit Hot lawyer on my side. The costs for Lawyers sound alot, but Lawyers do this every single day, and they can cut agreements fairly fast, it does not take hours and hours.
Even the expensive one you found @ £220 per hour....let's say he/she worked 6 hours for you, that's only £1320. Ask upfront how many hours they think it will take, actually I'd get that in written form on e-mail, so it doesn't run away with you.

you can take half of his pension pot as cash right now

Is what I meant to say there ^^

Just to emphasis also, you only get one shot at this, so get every single penny you are entitled to.

My Ex pleaded poverty with me, tried to get me to agree to less that I was entitled to....I held firm though.

It was all a lie....within months of the settlement he had a new kitchen installed, a new car, a foreign holiday, new carpets and curtains throughout...all for is new GF of course.

Get them boxing gloves on....

I agree with pp, get a lawyer, a good divorce one and get some proper advice. The £50k is a red herring, there'll be a lot more money than that about.

If he’s offering you the equity then it’s because he has more put away.

You will not get a clean break order with the children being so young. It is only ever likely in circumstances where there is a large amount of money involved (which means there is never a risk of either party and children going without) or when there are no dependent children in the marital home.

The best thing you can do is to book a free initial appointment with a good family lawyer. Go armed with as much of the information you have so that you can get the best out of the appointment.

Definitely get to the point of exchanging financial information (Form E) as his offer for you to quickly accept the £50k (which you are entitled to half of that as a starting point anyway) means he doesn't want to disclose his pensions and savings. I expect it's more. No legal advice would be to accept that offer.

Good luck x

If he is offering 50k then there is a reason - ie he knows you would get more than this. Do not, under any circumstances, accept his offer of 50k.

Thank you all for helping me to see things a lot more clearer now. Ive booked an appointment with the more expensive solicitor for next week. Hopefully he can help me! Will keep you all updated