Distorted Memories - caught in the middle.

[cherryberrymum]

So my daddy died last year. He was our hero. He left behind my single sister (38) me (44 married with kids) and my mum. Since he died we realised he was doing everything for my mum. All housework driving her everywhere most of the cooking and managed all bills and finances. When he died he left her fairly comfortable for her old age.

Mum and my sister do not have a great relationship. My sister thinks mum is too needy and complains about having to do so much for her. She works 8-4 min to Friday and goes to mums 3 nights during the week and mum feeds her and she walks the dog. She also goes on a Saturday and does odd jobs for her. I work for my own business (husband and I run it together) as I have 4 kids and works admin side from home. I go to mums 4 mornings a week and take her to doctors dentist shopping what ever she wants. Or I'll do jobs for her if she wants. I take her to church at weekend too.

Sister is really getting me down. Today she told me she's fed up doing so much and It all right for me I hardly work and have loads of free time. She told me I am the favourite and dad told her that when he was still alive (I didn't know this) she has all these distorted memories of mum being nasty to her. Now mum was a moody mare when we were growing up but she wasn't nasty. I'm so sick of listening to it now because it's not how I remember our child hood.

Is she lying? Is she just a lazy cow. Her and mum are very alike. They both think they should come first. I just feel like telling her to piss off and leave it to me. It's easier to do the stuff and get on than listening to her moan about it and getting drawn in to her negativity.

Surely this is a reverse.

Well I can imagine your single sister feels pretty put upon when she works full time but has to make so much time for a mother who openly prefers you. That's not your fault, I know, but you can hardly blame her.
She's probably worried that as she's the single one she'll end up caring for your mother full time eventually while you have your family to distract you.

Hard enough, but harder still when you are told you are not the favoured child.

I think I am my mum's favourite. My sister feels this greatly and has issues because of it. I empathise with her - it must be shit. I'm angry with my mum for making it so obvious. I'm not angry with my sister. That's the point.

To be honest unless your mum is ill she needs to start doing things for herself, she's expecting too much from both of you

I remember my mum very differently from my older siblings. I think she was verging on cruel. Washed my mouth out with soap, never told me about periods, never bought sanpro, regularly locked out after school even though she wasnt working, having an afair everyone but my dad knew and basically me and my other close in age sibling were left to our own devices from the age of 12 and 13. No laudry done, no meals cooked etc. I think my older siblings won't accept what we say because they were much older and didn't have to experience these things because parents marriage was better when they were young,and they'd left home by this point. I must admit it does make me feel a bit cold towards my mum now shes old and needs help. I just remember the cruelty. Maybe your sister had very different experiences to you? Don't disregard whats she saying as false memories unless you can be certain.

What age is your mother and how is her health/mobility? She needs to do things on her own, I’d hope the dog was walked more than 3 times a week.

Mum is almost blind although again that fluctuates depending on her mood.

I think sis and I are just really different people. I just get on and do because I want a quiet life so even when dad was alive I was always the one they asked if they needed anything done. Louise was a rebellious kid and would have been the one pushing the boundaries and would have said outrageous things to wind our parents up.

Am I the favourite? I wouldn't say that. I'm the one who does what she's told and that's it. Louise looks for arguments. It's who she is. She does it in every aspect of her life. She says it's because she has principles. For example. Mum is on her 80's. she has a bit of difficulty getting her head round gay marriage. (I don't and neither does sis. Mum is just old fashioned) Sis was telling us about her gay colleague planning to buy a house with his husband. Mum blessed herself but said nothing. Instead of quietly moving on she started an argument. "What's wrong with you? It's nothing to do with you what he does!"

She will literally retell an episode of our childhood and it can be unrecognisable to how it really happened. I was there! I know we didn't have a terrible child hood.

Sorry I should have said. Yes the dog is walked everyday. Mum walks her a short walk every morning then I walk her or my sis does.

*You've used a name ^^
How does blindness fluctuate?
I think if your sister doesn’t have fond memories about your mum it will make her resentful regards helping her out. Definitely encourage a bit of independence in your mum, there is organisations who have volunteer befriended, lunch clubs etc

Her perception will be different from yours. You were the well behaved one who was called on to help, your sister was more difficult so I imagine there were differences in how you were both treated. She isn't wrong and you sound like you don't really like her.

You sound like the golden child and she was the scapegoat. I have no doubt she remembers things very differently to you.

I do like her. She's just so different to me and I don't mean that badly. She has a a great life with all her friends and she's really happy so that's great. Family is an inconvenience.
My DH said I have no business complaining now, because she has always got away with throwing a strop so she doesn't have to do things she doesn't want to. She's always gotten away with it before so it's not going to be any different now.

I appreciate we have different views on our childhood. But can I ask something. If she had such a terrible time. Why not just be less confrontational?

It sounds as though you don't like our sister and you think your mum is exaggerating her visual impairment - maybe she's not lazy with fluctuating vision - maybe her vision is worse than you want to believe it Is! Maybe your sister is totally drained by not being appreciated or thanked whilst knowing you and her mother don't like her? Maybe she's fed up of you feeling you're better than her?

Just because you remember things differently does not mean your sisters memory is distorted any more than yours is distorted.

If 5 people all go to the same family gathering you are going to get 5 different opinions/memories about that event. The person who feels downtrodden (like your sister?) won't enjoy the evening, the parent who worries their kid is going to be a pain again won't have wanted to go and can't relax to enjoy it, the happy go lucky popular relative will think its the best event this year.

We all see and experience things in a way others don't because we all have our own personality, likes, dislikes, moods etc.

Maybe try listening to your sister, really hear what she is trying to tell you. Look back at her childhood after you have heard what she's telling you.

Why should she be less confrontational exactly? Just because you are keen to be the good one and do everything for everyone, doesn't mean she has to. I wouldn't do that level of running around for someone else who wasn't my child.

Louise was a rebellious kid and would have been the one pushing the boundaries and would have said outrageous things to wind our parents up.

Your sister was a truth teller and the scapegoat, you were the golden child.

Your mother - with the blindness which fluctuates with mood - sounds extremely manipulative and mentally unusual. If I were you, I would google toxic family systems and attempt to see your sister's perspective. It sounds like your "unusual" mother dumped on your sister for decades and your sister simply can't take any more.

You sound like you have absorbed the family narrative of your sister as the "identified patient" of the family, the one who is responsible for any suffering in the family and the derision of whom the family bond over.

You admit that your sister has a good, healthy life, so it may be time to reexamine this narrative and figure out whether your sister is the disordered person or whether it's actually your mother who is disordered.

@pics
I questioned the mood related blindness but had no reply. Mother sounds very controlling and OP is following in her footsteps.

No one had to help any one. Not even their elderly mum. Sounds like this is your Sis telling you that she's going to be stepping away from this particular shit show. Would your mum be better in assisted living?

Siblings can have entirely different childhoods despite growing up in the same home with the same parents.

Just because you had positive experiences and therefore have positive memories does not mean the same is the case for your sister or that her memories are "distorted" or "lies".

You didn't have a terrible childhood - fantastic! But maybe she did. You don't get to speak for her. Her experience doesn't invalidate yours and your experience doesn't invalidate hers.

Stop trying to find a way to blame her.

Assuming this isn't a reverse, the reason your sister is confrontational is because hse is an adult who has seen that she was the scapegoat. What you see as your Mum being a 'moody mare' is most likely abuse, but as the golden child you don't see it.

I am glad my golden child sisters saw it all very clearly. Give it time. You'll get there, especially now your Dad is dead and you have no buffer.

Your sister is abused, as are you. She is your ally 0 if you allow her to be.

Or stay loyal to a 'moody mare' who controlled your family. Your choice.

Thank you all for your responses. After reading them yesterday I went to sisters house last night. We had a long discussion. Yes I know my mother is controlling and manipulative. She always has been and I suppose dad and I used to go with it for a quiet life.

Louise never did. She would fight back and then the rows followed. I asked her how we could move forward with this and she is insistent she wants to continue helping mum. I have tried to get her to agree to a "rota" type system so we aren't doubling up on visits and then mum has someone in every day but she won't commit to that. Instead insisting she will go when it suits her. She is now not happy to stick to the set days we had loosely been following up until now.

We had a long talk about childhood things and she said she felt sorry for me because I "pathetically followed the path they had set out" for me. She said she gets more suppport from friends and just because we have same blood doesn't mean we should have any loyalty to each other.

I'm so surprised to hear all of this because we got on ok before dad passed. It feels that now she has had move involvement with "home" mums house she's become very aggressive.

I'm sorry I didn't answe about mums eyesight. It fluctuates doe to the nature of her condition. She has MDD so fluctuations in swelling mean some days are worse than others.

I know I'm a few days late, but you comments about your mother's vision have really got to me.

Mum is almost blind although again that fluctuates depending on her mood

I'm sorry I didn't answe about mums eyesight. It fluctuates doe to the nature of her condition. She has MDD so fluctuations in swelling mean some days are worse than others. (I've left all your spelling mistakes in there, despite my screen reader spluttering over them)

So her blindness doesn't fluctuate with mood, but with MDD with fluctuating swelling? And you call your mother manipulative?

I'm registered blind. The hardest part for me in the beginning was judgemental people deciding they knew more about my vision loss and the challenges it brought than me. Your mum's mood may be fluctuating due to her vision fluctuating, not the other way round, or perhaps because her daughters are forever whinging and disbelieving her blindness - have you any idea how poor your sight has to be before being registered blind?

It's tricky. You can't force your sister to agree to a set rota - many people would help at all if they had an abusive mother who treated them as a scapegoat.

If your sister decided she no longer wanted to help would you cope alone?