Dilemma

[abracadabra1234]

Hi all don't really know where to start so I apologise for the mumbling on in advance ha ha . Me and my partner have been together for 9 years . From what he has told me he didn't have the best up brining . Mother wasn't very good . They didn't have any money there was a few of them all different fathers and not far off in age so there were a lot of men in. Short period of time. One which was violent to my partner and I think had affected him . Because he has moved so many times and I don't mean a few minutes but countries he hasn't had or still now even for any friends . Only friends he has got is from work and a hobby of his . We are trying for a baby and have been for the last couple of months . He really wants a baby . Me more no . I already have a soon from a previous relationship who is 16 . So I feel like I have done all that now but still want my partner to experience parenthood because he hasn't got any children . I have been pregnant in the past by him and he has been devastated saying we weren't ready . I was tho . I had a miscarriage and had to go in for an op but had no support from him . Still sticks in my head . Anyways I have so many worries . Now his hobby is his life it kind of controls it . He puts this hobby 1st. Honestly now if he had to chose between us it would be bye bye me that's how I feel 😂. He will spend the whole weekends doing it from day 8 am and I won't see him until 1 am the next day . He is starting to get a life . Which he never had because of what a stated in the beginning and also because he's not had friends and he has made about 3-4 from going . They what's app constantly.24/7 it drives me mad to be ho eat as soon as he walks in the door to the time he jumps in to bed it's pining . The are planning on going away for the weekend soon . He's not asked me tho I heard him talking on the phone . His reply was I can't the misses is playing hell ! He's not even asked me . I know he won't go because he will worry for the whole weekend about me going out drinking which I know secretly he hates . I don't think he has got hurt in the past but he's very worried of me cheating on him . I have always felt sorry for him . I have had a good life with my friends and he's not and missed out on all that and now he's starting to get it back he wants a baby . I'm so scared I'm going to get pregnant and he's come to realise it was a bad decision . We are both in our 30s so he hasn't had any ties his whole life . Now there will be another person to think of . Will he still put his hobby 1st . Because that will cause problems and I will leave and I don't want to be on my own starting all over again . Or when I'm pregnant will he still do what he wants and even go away for weekends because what can I do now I'm pregnant ? Nothing . I'm just so scared. As you can tell I have been really hurt by my ex partner so I am so anxious about getting pregnant and everything going from perfect to awful and being stuck . Also my ex went off me completely after having our soon . Called me fat and ugly . Woundnt sleep with me for months on end would have affair after affair but it was my fault he was doing it because I was so lucky he was still there because no one else would be that stupid . I could go on and on . Now I know my my boyfriend isn't my ex but people can just wake up and just decide it's over . And that's what I'm worrying about constantly. I have been thinking these last few days to end it with him . Not because I don't love him or fancy him
Because I do so much but because I want him to have a life and I think more because I don't want to get hurt no more. I also worry constantly if he's going to be a good father . I worry that I'm
Not going to be a good mother now I'm
Older I seem to have less patience with things these days . Also we both work long hours 14 sometimes 16 hours a day . He loves the money . Obviously he says everything will change when we do have a baby like not going to his hobby so much not working constantly but I don't believe it . Or he will cut back then a few months down the line he will start it all again . I just feel like he has a lot of growing up to do . Thankyou for reading .

Just read this back . If you have made it through all my spelling mistakes well done 😂 It's my more phone . Honest 😬

Blimey, so many issues.

You first as you are most important and do actually get to make the decision on whether to have a baby or not. Start using contraception. Until you are bothered 100% sure you shouldn’t take chances. Then look carefully at your relationship and if it is working for you. Very long hours at work for you both and then an all consuming hobby for him- where do you fit into this? Is that enough for you?

Him saying he will change is a big, big risk. Even if he starts by reducing his hobby he will start to resent it and probably go back to it. As you say, he is missing chunks of maturity probably as a result of his upbringing. Having mates and material goods will be important.

If I’m honest I don’t think you do have a dilemma right now. You have a series of issues to consider. You sound far from sure you actually want a baby. That’s the most fundamental issue of all.

Ok let's get this straight:

You were pregnant and had a miscarriage (I'm so sorry about that) with your current OH and he didn't give you support.

He now wants a baby.

He's getting his life together and has a hobby. That's great having a hobby, but it shouldn't take over your life to the detriment of neglecting your relationship.

He's worried about you cheating on him.

He had a bad upbringing and this is coming out in his insecurities with your relationship.

It's all about him, isn't it? What about you? What type of step-parent is he to your 16 year old? Because that will give you an indication of whether he has the patience to deal with a wailing baby/toddler/small child.

Over all it doesn't sound very positive for you. If in your heart, you know you don't want another child because you've been there and done that, then please don't. Don't have a baby just to please him. If the hobby is going to take a back seat if a baby arrives, then why can't it right now whilst he works out to being a proper supportive partner?

It also sounds like you need to do the Freedom Programme and to get some counselling. You are still young enough to reevaluate your life and if you decide to go it alone, then it would be a good time to build up your confidence and self esteem, which seems to have been trampled on by your ex...and now by your partner. If you are in your 30s and your child is now 16 this is a great opportunity for you to see them into the next phase of their life whilst concentrating on what you want.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant until these issues are sorted out. A baby is not a magic relationship fixer, believe me!

Thankyou both so much for replying . Some things have really got home for me . Got me pretty upset . Only because I know you are right . I had the miss-carriage about two years in to the relationship . He was adamant-he didn't want any children back then so I know he was relieved when I lost it . It's such a horrible feeling . Deep down I would love a baby but then all the worries start flooding in . I had really bad pnd after my son I had it for nearly two years . I never want to go back there so I am petrified I will have it again . I didn't have anxiety before when I had the pnd but now I do so dealing with anxiety and that I don't think I could get through it . Then I worry that my son won't adjust to me having a baby because it's only ever been him and I don't want him to feel like I am loving someone else more than him 😭. As for my partner . I know no one knows what the future holds but I also don't want to them in to some kind of paranoid nutty person if I did get pregnant . I do have crazy thoughts 😂 don't tell him tho but like I said it's all to do with my ex . Because it all went down hill when I did get pregnant what if I start accusing him of things when he's out working late ? Or when he's on his phone constantly . I definitely need to do that freedom program. I have very low self confidence. Although these last few months I do feel like I'm getting better. X

There's nothing at all in your posts that makes this sound like a good idea for anyone involved, least of all you and the baby. My eldest is now 15 and if anyone wanted me to have another I would run screaming, but I'm now 49. l'm really looking forward to being a granny though (even though it'll be another 15 years of so before that happens!!) You can give your DGC back!

You do sound very low @abracadabra1234 and you clearly haven't got over the miscarriage, along with the way your partner treated you at the time.

Setting aside the relationship issue - if you did have another baby, yes you would have an age gap, but it would be fine. There is always a concern for the older child. My cousin has 14 years between her two and the younger one is now and older teen who gets on well with their adult sibling...the age gap between them gets smaller as the years go on. So, having an age gap doesn't necessarily mean your 16 year old will not feel loved. As long as they are always informed and involved, that you keep them reassured, then it will be fine.

However, all of that above can't apply to your relationship as it is at the moment. Bringing a baby into the mix whether you want one or not, won't help at all. If you can do the Freedom Programme first, see how you feel after that and then seek further counselling maybe. It may not spell the end of your relationship at all. But I cannot help thinking that the insecurities of your partner will rise to the surface, his hobby will still be centre stage and if one of you is the full-time caregiver, money may be tighter than usual...I can bet that will affect things hobby wise, am I right? You mentioned he was brought up in a family with little money, and for a lot of people, that has far reaching issues when they grow up. I'm positive he will become resentful due to a drop in the household income when a baby arrives. There is all that to think about...and it doesn't bode well.

You don't sound overly compatible OP and you sound in all honesty as though youd be better off single and working on your self esteem. What hobby requires him to be out all night every weekend? Why can you not join? It seems unlikely that he will want to change this and you know that. Have you any plans to marry? Financially you are leaving yourself vulnerable by planning a pregnancy. There is an awful lot that needs to be thought over before you try to conceive.

If you are scared of getting pregnant having realised it isn't likely to end well and hia behaviour won't change- you need to take some control of your life, use contraception and not have a baby right now. You need to evaluate the situation on what you have and what he does- does he help at home, is he emotionally ready, does he have the time, is he a decent stepfather- not what he SAYS it will be like or what he wants.

Have you had any therapy before? It can be really helpful and you might be able to self refer in your area, you can in mine! Sounds there is a lot going on OP and you need to work through that and feel confident in yourself and your own agency rather than feeling constantly anxious about the effect other people will have on your life. You are the captain of your own ship!