Is the most important thing in life personal happiness? Or is it your relationship?

[Fochit]

Following on from a conversation with DH.
I’m just wondering what people’s thoughts are on this.

Thanks

No. As in neither of those things is the most important thing in life. Everyone has different priorities but many things are more important to many people - such as doing the right thing / being a good person/ making a positive contribution to the world (morality), or family in a wider sense - own children and parents, sometimes wider family, or career success for some.

It's not important to be in a relationship. It's completely valid to choose a single life.

Being happy is lovely, but nobody is happy all the time - that's been an acknowledged truth since before Homer wrote about the Lotus eaters over two and a half thousand years ago...

Lots of things are important, but generally over the long term a relationship should make you more not less happy and content. Being in a relationship is not important in itself. Your own specific marriage is a commitment you've entered into and deserves working at but isn't more important, as a thing in itself, than happiness.

If you don't have children and your husband makes you miserable constantly, then you can decide whether to get couples therapy if you used to be happy and think you can get back to that - if not then leave! If you have children together get couples therapy and try and work it out so you can be happy, but in the end of despite trying to work on it, or if he won't engage, it is likely to be better if you separate.

Thanks for all the replies, insightful and interesting.

I agree you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, but we are.

The question arose because we are at a bit of a fork in the road (mostly him) and I was trying to help us choose direction. My approach, because sometimes seeing the whole thing is overwhelming for me, is to break it down and move through it step by step.

Just linking them together is a great idea 😂

To me, you should never rely on someone else to make you happy, that’s your responsibility.

What's he doing to fix things?

Why is it all you?

The question arose because we are at a bit of a fork in the road (mostly him) and I was trying to help us choose direction.

How did I know this, even before you said it? What's he doing to help, other than emote about his fork?

OP, reading your second post it sounds like this is the wrong question. A better question might be “what makes a good relationship?” And that’s reciprocity. You’re right: you can’t make someone happy. It’s one thing for people to make a deal about their “needs” not being “met” yet it’s rarely acknowledged that their contribution to their partner’s needs may be somewhat lacking too or that getting said needs met might, in fact, stifle the needs of the other partner. That they would stifle the needs of anyone long term.

Ask yourselves if there’s an imbalance.

It’s not all me, I’m trying to help him (us) reach a decision.

In this situation a better question would not be “what makes a good relationship?” because it’s not directly about our relationship. It’s a decision that will impact on our lives, and consequently may affect our relationship.

It just raised an interesting question because I placed personal happiness first and he thought it was our relationship.

Personal happiness. Relationships come and go but you always have yourself.

You shouldn’t rely on somebody else to make you happy, but if you are in a relationship you should be able to rely on your partner to be willing to make choices and compromises for the benefit of both your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the relationship. If one partner is unwilling to make any sacrifices and insists on pursuing their own happiness and fulfilment at the expense of that of the other, then the relationship is going to fail; and if neither partner wants that to happen then they need to decide which is more important to them.

Personal happiness over relationship - because your relationship with yourself is the one that has to last a lifetime, and because being a good partner is a hell of a lot easier if you’re basically feeling contented in/with yourself first.

But - I agree with a PP that neither are the most important thing, by a long chalk. To me, it’s more important to make a positive contribution to the world around me, and to work hard, and part of that involves accepting that I can’t always be ‘happy’ and nor would it be right to always pursue my own happiness.

I also agree that ‘what makes a good relationship’ is probably a more appropriate question for you and DP. I hope you gain some clarity.

Ah hold on, I’ve just reread your response more closely. I think it’s too hard to make those decisions based on ‘is my happiness more important?’ or ‘is my relationship more important?’
I can’t imagine I’d move overseas for a job if my partner didn’t also embrace that, for example (‘relationship more important’), but I’d definitely leave a relationship in order to pursue children elsewhere if my partner didn’t want them (‘happiness more important’). For me it’s not generalisable.

Thanks all.
Great responses and lots to think about.

I don't think it's as simple as personal happiness first. If you are in a serious relationship with someone, making a decision that makes person A very happy, but person B very unhappy is not necessarily great. Sometimes you need to compromise and put the other person first, even if this is not the optimal decision for you. The pay off (hopefully), is that on balance, you feel your life is better with that person than without. But this probably only works if the other person is also prepared to compromise to an equal extent so no-one ends up feeling undermined / sold down the river / resentful / frustrated etc.

I’d say personal happiness because your relationship should bring you personal happiness, if it isn’t, then somethings not right. I’ve left a long term relationship because while we were comfortable, that’s all we were, I wasn’t happy anymore at all, and now I am.

What's he doing to help, other than emote about his fork?

That made me laugh.

Both. I have to be happy for our relationship to be good. But I also can’t always put myself above the relationship.

If you are not able to be content on your own then any relationship is doomed to fail. NO coupledom relationship is more important that your own personal one with yourself.

And yes, what is he doing about this decision? He's an adult, is he not also capable of 'helping' you and himself?

That made me laugh

I'm increasing your personal happiness, @AngelinaGrimke.

He's an adult, is he not also capable of 'helping' you and himself?

Of course he is, but we do talk about big decisions and try to work through them together. This discussion was over a quiet pint in the local pub last night. I had my own less important decisions to make which we also talked about.