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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bullying father in law

17 replies

Lostinspace42 · 23/01/2020 21:25

My father in law is a terrible bully. My husband is too frightened of him to stand up to him. Once when he was visiting, sitting at the table, eating a meal I had cooked he said to me, "so you're going to dump her in a nursery" referring to a joint decision my husband and I had made to send our child to a childminder two days a week while I was at work. He had bullied my husband for years as a child to the point where he can't stand up for me because he thinks his dad has a right to bully people.
After some heart searching I imposed strict boundaries. I stopped visiting my in laws, get out of the house if they visit, don't talk on the phone or Skype. My only contact is writing by old fashioned mail to my mother in law, an enabler when it comes to bullying but not a bully herself. In fact I suspect another victim.
It worked. But since it happened lots of other people have told me their bullying in law stories. It's a bit depressing really how many women put up with it for years and years. Dies anyone else have stories of how they put a stop to bullying from in laws? It would cheer me up no end to know I wasn't the only one who had to take in a family bully. And maybe give some hope to people having to put up with it.

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SisyphusLangClegRocks · 23/01/2020 21:38

My ex Fil would always put me down. Once when we were visiting their family abroad (Malaysia), my ex Sil didn't like the relative's house we were staying in because there were small lizards climbing the walls (I thought they were cute). So to save face, my ex Fil told the relatives that it was my fault she wanted to leave.

He also criticised my dress sense, my skin, my family and my mothering skills.

He also told me that I was lying about his son being violent when I was divorcing him and said that I'd never find anyone else who wanted me because I had a child (his granddaughter).

Many years later, he visited my daughter and admitted that his son (her father) may have been to blame for the divorce.

Apparently he'd been married another 4 times and each time the women had divorced him.

SandyY2K · 23/01/2020 23:40

Apparently he'd been married another 4 times and each time the women had divorced him.

Priceless. 🙂

SisyphusLangClegRocks · 24/01/2020 02:44

I tried not smile when she told me that @SandyY2K Grin

Lostinspace42 · 24/01/2020 09:27

Sounds like you put a stop to him.I can't believe these men even do it in the first place. @SisyphusLangClegRocks

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blissfulllife · 24/01/2020 10:32

Mine recently came to the back of the ambulance I was inside being treated for a serious illness and said "attention seeking again". The paramedic had words with him before I was blue lighted to hospital. Spiteful piece of crap. I have minimal contact and when he starts his nastiness I blank him x

SisyphusLangClegRocks · 24/01/2020 10:35

Forgot to mention, that my ex MiL was a qualified nurse who spoke 5 languages. He would only let her take cleaning jobs instead of the job she was qualified for.

Lostinspace42 · 24/01/2020 11:46

One of the worst things they do is try to get other people e.g. paramedic to help them with the bullying. I'm glad the paramedic had a go at him. He deserved it. @Blissfulllife

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Whynosnowyet · 24/01/2020 11:47

I went nc with mil. Dh followed very soon after.
Life is pure bliss.

Lostinspace42 · 24/01/2020 11:48

I found that I wasn't the only family member being bullied too. But sadly I didn't realise this straight away or I would have dealt with things differently. Gas lighting and denial were and still are so much part of it. @SisyphusLangClegRocks

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SisyphusLangClegRocks · 24/01/2020 11:48

Many of them will try to get other males to back them up.

Some of the worst examples I've seen are when men use their sons to get at the mother. It's awful.

Lostinspace42 · 24/01/2020 11:50

Does nc mean no contact? If so a shining example to us all.
@Whynosnowyet

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Whynosnowyet · 24/01/2020 12:08

No contact yes... Once dh stopped seeing mil some bad memories resurfaced. He was so glad he had been strong enough. He even went and told her not to come to our wedding!! A weight lifted he said.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/01/2020 12:24

My FiL told the neighbours I would probably have my kids taken off me because I couldn't cope (three under five). My neighbours laughed and said I was the best mum they knew.

He told my kids I wasn't looking after them properly; we had just moved house, pregnant and exhausted with number four, they'd come home from school and I had no idea which box the snacks were packed in. My DD(10) told him to stop being nasty about her mum.

He announced to the family just after my Dad died that I was very cold hearted and not very sensitive and didn't seem to feel much emotion. He cited my dislike of Andre Rieu as evidence. Bil told him to shut up and not be an arse.

There are many more examples of this. I refused to rise to any goading or provocation and DH was too much in the FOG to ever stand up for me.

He mellowed as he got older and came to live with us after his stroke. Ironically I was the one he always wanted to sit with him and hold his hand.

Lostinspace42 · 24/01/2020 13:36

It's interesting he mellowed. I'm not sure I would ever believe it if my FIL seemed to mellow. I would just assume he was about to say or do something nasty. I find bullying a hard thing to put behind me but it's reassuring to know sometimes it stops on its own. I' m not sure who Andre Rieu but it sounds like a nasty remark to make. @TinklyLittleLaugh

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/01/2020 14:49

Andre Rieu is the conductor of a rather cheesy “popular classics” orchestra, much beloved of people who like very bland music.

I dunno Lost he was old and very sick when he lived with us. Maybe he thought he had to stay on my good side or maybe he was just grateful we had him. He considered DH a bit incompetent so maybe I was just the lesser of two evils.

SisyphusLangClegRocks · 24/01/2020 18:06

I'd be very wary of anyone who likes Andre Rieu tbh

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/01/2020 00:41

Utter knobbers the lot of them Sisy.

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