I still feel hurt

[Onalake]

I have previously posted about my OH's drinking, which has only been an issue for the last year out of 17 years together.

It came to a head in December when he started drinking spirits and was rat arsed much of the time. He has been banned from driving after I reported him to the police, and after a major blowout on NYD he hasn't had any spirits and has stuck to two pints of lager daily maximum, although sometimes does go a couple of days not drinking at all.

On NYD he went walkabout in a strange town and I went looking for him after a few hours. Found him in a pub chatting up some woman. I am ashamed to say I was furious and basically dragged him out and back to friends where we were staying.

As stated, he has been pretty good since then, and is now on a programme provided by our local NHS, but I can't get over some of the things he said to me that day.

He was gloating and boasting that the woman in the pub was flirting with him, and had she offered, he would have gone back to her home with her. It wasn't just what he said, but the look on his face when he said it to me....... I can't describe it as anything other than vindictive, mean and spiteful.

I know he was extremely drunk but it doesn't make it any better. He was hateful. It doesn't help that he still thinks he did nothing wrong in any of this, still trying to find ways to wriggle out of his ban as he says he was only a couple of miles away from home when the police found him, and he was parked up, so they should have let him off.

He thinks everything is ok with us now he has his drinking under control, but it's not, and I don't know what to do 😥

His increase in drinking was related to a stressful situation that is now pretty much remedied.

This seems to be a mental health issue caused by the stress doesn't it?

Once the reason for the stress has gone, you might expect someone to return to normal pretty quickly, but things are rarely that easy. Has he been to the GP - if not, would he be prepared to go?

Having said all that, you don't have to put up with continuing the relationship if you are unhappy.

He doesn’t appear to have any insight into the impact all of this had on you. Does he get any counselling as part of his programme? If he really wants to get back on track with you he needs to explore this. Not just the impact and inconvenience it’s had on him which is selfish to say the least.

Of course you still feel hurt. He did I really hurtful things and said hurtful things but you are supposed to be clapping him on the back because he has stopped drinking. No. He needs to think really hard about the impact on you and any others affected and apologise unreservedly.

@following, he has been to his GP, who initially referred him for a MH assessment, which basically said he was ok, and he is now seeing a substance misuse councillor.

I am just struggling to move on from the things he said and the way he spoke to me, knowing how much it would hurt me. Then there is still the denial that he shouldn't have been charged with drink driving and he is sure he can get off.... 😔

@MatildaTheCat, exactly, you have hit the nail on the head, but it is all about him. He really doesn't see how much he has hurt me, not just as a result of his actions on NYD, but as a whole over the last month or two.