Living with alcoholism

[Gemm83]

I'm looking for experiences please.

My DH is a depressive alcoholic in denial.

All stems from events from when he was a teenager (severe bullying).

I have tried to be supportive for the past 14 years, but last night he came home and I got close to him and he absolutely reeked of cider, which means he downed a couple of cans whilst sitting in the car park before he came in. I pulled him up on it and whilst he denied it, he didn't deny it as fiercely as what he would have done if he hadn't (does that make sense?)

I have had enough. I have 2 DD's. Eldest is 5 and youngest is 7m.

I don't even know where to start. My head is telling me to leave, but we have nowhere to go. We rent and there is no way I could afford something on our own. But my heart is saying you can't go as he would kill himself.

I want to do what's best for us (me and the girls) but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do.

His parents are useless. They know full well that he has a problem but he is so manipulative that when they try to talk about it he turns on the water works and then it's all "ohh poor you, etc etc" "YOU, need to support him, it's because of what he went through, etc"

My family think he's a selfish arsehole and say that I should just leave him... Yes, but the financial and emotional implications are huge.

I just don't know where to turn too 😢

Please.. Just after some advice x

IME, admitting alcoholism is only a start, my exP was fully open about it, tried rehab once, started drinking again, probably as he didn't want to address his past. In the end died at 48, when our son was 13.
Luckily I'd been split from him for 10 years by then. I'm so glad I got out when I did, nothing was going to change him, so protecting my son was the best I could do.

Your DH works, he still has to provide financially towards your children, it's good that your married, (I never received a penny off him). Look into other benefits that you could claim before deciding that it's not achievable. As your family hate him, perhaps they would be also happy to support you as much as possible.
Also, think about going back to work if you are not on mat leave and work already, or look into training for the future.
There are ways out, good luck x

Your Hs primary relationship is with alcohol, it is not with you.

The 3cs re alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You need to attend Al-anon meetings, you will meet ordinary people just like your own self there. At the very least you need to speak to them by phone and read their literature. Please phone them and talk, alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and you need to start opening up to others more. Seek legal advice asap and know fully where you stand; knowledge here is power.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You state you have had enough but this does not just affect you. His alcoholism will also affect your children. They cannot afford to grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour and for them also to potentially go onto have a relationship with an alcoholic.

What you have tried to date has not worked so a different course of action needs to be taken. The only one who can help your husband is he and he does not want your help/support or for that matter any help. You cannot help him and what you have done amounts to enabling behaviour; enabling him as you have done does not work and such only gives you a false sense of control. You can only save your own self and children ultimately and you certainly need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism. You are caught up in this too and your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are fully apart.

No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable ultimately and the longer you remain together the harder it will seem for you to end your marriage. His parents are probably just glad that their son is off their hands and they have done and continue to do their bit to enable him too.

Can you further enlist your parents help re leaving this man?. You are not responsible for your H when all is said and done here although you probably think you are because you are codependent and in relationships codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand. Your head makes decisions here, not your heart so use your head. Make better choices for not just you but your children going forward.

You would not want your children to be in a relationship like yours is and it is not good enough for you either.

Thank you for your responses.

I am currently on mat leave and returning part time in April. Might make an appointment with CAB so they can run through what I may be eligible for etc if we do split.

Unfortunately my parents are not in a position to offer any financial assistance and it's not as if I could move in with them for a period as they are too far away from DD1 school and my work.

He's not, nor has he ever been an aggressive alcoholic and he's not moody with it in anyway shape or form. He has been to the Doctors and they have provided him with some information about alcohol dependancy. I know this because he had a photo of a computer screen with contact information on it. As far as I'm aware though he hasn't taken any steps to making contact with them.

He has got to do something though. Its just making him see that he has. 😕

You will never make him see. Its also not your job to do that for him and you cannot help him. Your now H could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. Its not your decision. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism and you can only help your own self ultimately.

It does not matter what sort of alcoholic he is; he is emotionally damaging your family unit including your children here. I would not assume that he has been fully open and or honest with the GP either re the full extent of his alcoholism, such is the extent of his denial. He won't likely make any contact with services because he does not want it.

Hard as this is to read I would also urge you to read this article called the 3 act play that is alcoholism:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Use your remaining maternity leave wisely and seek help for your own self asap. CAB may well refer you onto a Solicitor in any event so I would start by contacting a couple of firms in your nearest town. Speaking to "The Rights of Women" organisation is a good idea as well as looking at the entitled to government website which would give calculations. There is help out there for you, you just need to access it.

I’m so sorry. It’s very hard, especially with little ones. Is he aware at all of how close you are to leaving? My DH is in recovery, and we have a 6yo and 1yo. We are staying together (as long as he isn’t drinking).
I think what has helped was him having counselling. I wasn’t fully aware of the extend of his drinking (hiding it) but when I reached breaking point-was going to leave him-I do think he was in a place to actually change because he’d told his counsellor and had done some of the work to face up to how serious things were.
I wanted him to go to the GP and to groups but he won’t. But he isn’t drinking, which is the main thing.
When things came to a head, I initially only asked him to not drink in secret. I wanted the hiding to stop, but I knew drinking was his choice and there is/was nothing I could do to influence it. If he’d wanted to carry on he could have. He’d have just hidden it better.

Not sure if that’s helpful... just echoes a bit of what others have said about it not being something you can influence.

I hope he’s willing to at least speak to the GP or find a group. But if it were me, I wouldn’t stay if he carries on drinking. Sending big hugs and solidarity

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What a brilliant read. Very powerful, and extremely true. Thankyou for that ☺️

I would advise to get out now before he drags you down with him. If not for yourself then do it for your children.

There are some people who can overcome their alcohol addiction but it is incredibly hard to do. Some would probably like to stop but not enough to actually give them the strength to never touch alcohol again. He will emotionally and financially drain you dry. Nothing and no one will ever be more important than alcohol, ever, unfortunately. I left my alcoholic partner 15 years ago. Emotionally it was the right thing to do. Financially it has been incredibly hard but at least I didnt have to watch family money be wasted on booze once I had left. You can definitely find out what your benefit rights are but personally I found it near on impossible to find any landlord willing to give me a tenancy on my low income. It won't be easy to stay and it won't be easy to leave him. I suggest you return to work full time and then at least you maybe able to rent a place and start moving on with your life.