All a bit too soon with new relationship? Could do with some honest advice.

[StarsAndStripes1]

Very recently my 17 year marriage broke down, I caught him cheating on me not for the first time. I’ve been very unhappy in my marriage for a while but haven’t had the courage to end it. This was my way out.

My husband has just moved out but did continue living in the family home with me and our children for a while. Since our relationship ended I’ve seen a different side to him and I actually hate him. He’s treated myself and the children terribly. The day he left he cleared out our joint account and left me with nothing.

When I confronted him as I had suspicions he was cheating on me he admitted it straight away, I ended the relationship he initially left for a few days, it was completely out of the blue and unexpected. Due to the timing of it all my friends were at work and I desperately needed to speak to someone, the only person who I knew who wasn’t working was a friend mainly of my husbands but I know him very well too. He not long ago also split up with his wife under very similar circumstances. He’s the least judgmental person I know and so easy to talk too. I rang him and poured my heart out to him.

Throughout all this he’s been my absolute rock, he was the only person to check in on me every day to see how I was and we have become very close and things have escalated between us. To the point that I’m head over heels for him and I know he feels the same way. We have this unbelievable connection and we are so similar it’s frightening. We always did get along amazingly well. I always has a incline he likened me, and I was right.

I’m just concerned it’s too soon, there was a overlap between my husband still living with me and starting things up with the new guy. But my husband has continued to see the other woman as well. But on the other hand I know he’s the one I want to be with.

I’ve confided in two of my most trusted friends and they are very concerned I’ve not really grieved for my relationship and have jumped straight into a new relationship that’s moved very quickly feelings wise. They both also thought this was about revenge. It’s not and never has been as my main concern in all this is if me and him end I will loose a very good friend.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been, but in my head I’m just struggling with the timeframe of all this. Is it too soon?

You didn't just wake up one day and decide that your marriage was over, as you say it deteriorated over some time.
But leaving even an unhappy marriage is a very scary and lonely thing to do. You have found someone in the same position and it is not surprising you have literally fallen into each other's arms.
But try and step back and slow things down. Your children will also be in turmoil over the breakdown of their family. Depending on their age it may be confusing at best or hurtful at worse seeing you with someone else. They will be trying to figure out how to relate to the new dynamic.
I'm not saying stop seeing this guy, just be mindful that your actions affect more than just yourself. If he feels as you do he will respect your need to take things down a notch until your family works it's way through this.

Your gut is telling you to slow down. Listen to it.
If he is a good man, he will hear your concerns and will support you.

If he is someone who could be a long term option he will support you completely and want things to work.

What about your children in all of this?

They need to be your priority.
This must have been very hard and confusing for them.

Keep their needs top of the list.

I met my DP 3 weeks after my ex left due to his affair.

Lots of people told me it was too soon but to me it felt right. Why should I sit around crying and being utterly miserable for a set amount of time (lots of people say a year) when I could be enjoying myself, loving someone else and being loved, something that I had yearned for for a long time.

If he’s bringing you happiness in this awful time, that can only be a good thing.

As for the dc, yes of course they need to be your priority but you being happy will help them so much more than you being miserable.

Yes, sorry it does sound like too soon and the intensity of the emotional commitment could also prove to be problematic.

I do feel for you. Six months ago I broke up with my DH after 18 years. While he didn’t cheat he did betray me in another way which was as hurtful. I found talking to a therapist to be really helpful and cannot recommend it enough. You can say anything and everything, which is not always the case with friends and they can be your emotional crutch, which is not something that a romantic partner should be (to that extent).

Given that you have doubts about this relationship I think you need to talk to a neutral party to get it all straight in your head.

I think there’s a risk that you’ve bonded through experiencing the same trauma and getting together with someone when you’re vulnerable is always going to be a risk but I don’t think either of those things should stop you enjoying the relationship. I’d say just don’t jump to any big decisions like living together and just take it slowly.

It's a difficult one. I met my (now ex, he cheated) quite soon after my marriage ended 11 years ago. In hindsight, I wish I'd spent some time on my own, but I was in a vulnerable position. I thought he was going to be The One, we had a connection etc and ignored red flags. I definitely moved on too quickly. So when I split from him in 2018 I was determined not to make the same mistake as before and consciously did not look for another relationship until I met my current OH a year later in 2019. I felt it was the right time and definitely not at a vulnerable stage in my life.

For some people it works, but I really would tread with caution and not get too caught up. You are definitely at a vulnerable time in your life. I agree with the PP about seeing a counsellor for the emotional support.

Op other than "very recently" you've actually not said what the time line is, so impossible to comment.

Very recently could be anything from last week to a year ago for some folks.

It's good advice to just take it slowly and let your head make decisions instead of just your heart. But that doesn't mean you can't date him and see what happens.
I met my bf 4 months after my ex cheated and left the marriage. We were at similar points in our separations and we leaned on each other throughout the process.
It's been a real bonding experience but we also agreed to keep reins on the emotional side and remain practical.
Over time we've gotten to know each other and discovered that in addition to the passionate 'in love' rush we are also compatible as partners.
It takes time though.

There is no rush but there is also no problem with embarking on a new relationship. Take it slow but go there. Have fun.

If you're happy together then just take it slow, no rush. I met my wonderful dp soon after ex and I split but I was very much in a similar position to you in that he had cheated. Fast forward a long time and we're now living together and extremely happy. So glad I didn't listen to people saying it was a bit soon. Funnily enough it was only my ex and one other person (with alterior motives) that said that.