DH’s secret chat friends

[TirisfalPumpkin]

My husband always has ‘multimessenger’ open on his PC. I believe it’s an app for keeping your Snapchat, Skype etc messages in one place. He always minimises it quickly when I go near, which seemed odd. The other night I came over to give him a back rub and it took him longer to minimise so was able to get a glimpse at what he was doing - looked like a collection of unfamiliar women’s names as contacts and a conversation apparently about our cat?

This doesn’t look great, does it? I mean, he could have a friend circle that I don’t know about who share cat tips together, but it seems unlikely and I don’t understand why it would be secret.

What do I even do with this information? (Yeah, ‘talk to him’ probably a good start, but I have Aspergers and am crap at this kind of thing, I don’t even know what words to use to begin.)

Advice gratefully received.

Can he not chat to other people?

Presumably you’ve talked to him about other big events in your life?

Yes, he absolutely can. If he’s just chatting to friends, I’d be very happy.

Cool.

Helpful @AnnDaloozier

I completely understand why you are worried OP especially if it comes across like he doesn’t want you to see the messages (by quickly closing them down) but it could be a misunderstanding and it is just friends. The only way to find out is if you ask him. Even if you are crap at it. Alternatively you try and look at his messages but how would you be able to do it easily?

Either way I’m sorry you’re worrying! Hope it’s as innocent as you’d hope

Oh come on, give OP a break. She knows something is up. Any partner who is closing down conversations regularly and keeping them hidden is being deceitful.

OP has also seen he's chatting multiple unfamiliar females! No it won't be about cats and if you ask him outright about this, judging from the cat comment you'll get more lies. You'll bed to go digging; get on the computer and find out for yourself!

They're never secret chat buddies with gouty Humphrey from accounts, are they?

OP, I wouldn't be happy about this at all and it would be a hill to die on.

I wouldn't like it either.

My DH can have female friends but he's not going out of his way to chat to women in my absence or, importantly, hiding it.

I would confront.

I am glad it’s not just totally groundless paranoia on my part and it’s not unreasonable to be uncomfortable about this. I felt pretty terrible for not trusting him. I am stuck between the idea that we should trust each other implicitly, and the evidence in front of my eyes.

Btw, we’re both bi so a secret chat with Humphrey would be equally questionable, although that did make me giggle. Thanks for the mood lift.

The ‘are you cheating on me’ situation has never come up in our 7 year relationship, so will admit to not really knowing how to approach it. When my ex did it I ended the relationship, although that was a ‘last straw’ situation after a lot of dishonest behaviour.

Can’t you just ask who he’s messaging? I think it’s fair enough to say that you notice he’s having lots of chats and you are wondering.

@AnnDaloozier

Why do people like you come on to thread and just leave a stupid fucking comment ? Do you need this as some type of validation that you're a smart pants?

OP. I would be equally suspicious. Anything that is minimised quickly....I.e. stuff he doesn't want YOU to see needs to he investigated. If its harmless he wouldn't hide it. And ALL women ? Come on... this sounds dodgy.

I would ask him outright...but pick your time carefully. Ask him when hes on the laptop....go over to him quickly and unannounced .... the pretence of another back rub would work....and if he quickly minimises just say "what's that?". Simple....ask him to re open it in front of you. Why wouldn't he ?? Act curious but not angry. If he has nothing to hide he'll not get flustered and will show you in a heartbeat as any normal partner would do.

If he says no, lies, gets flustered etc then you have your answer. Good luck

I talked to him about it; didn’t really want to sit stewing about it all day. He says it is to keep up with family WhatsApps and a few gaming friends. I can look at it if I like, and he has twitchy ‘minimise’ reflexes from being caught slacking off at work.

I think it looked bad, but was genuinely innocent. Some of the names are gfs of cousins which I did know and had forgotten. There are no other indicators of him cheating; he does work away a lot but there is verifiable evidence (work expenses) he was where he says he was. So... I think we’re okay.

Being actually cheated on by your ex in a similar way really does a number on your perception and trust levels. :/

Thank you all for the comments and thoughts, I really appreciate them.

So glad it's all ok OP

There we are then