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Original poster

5th date...worried this will speed things up between us?

23 replies

User18992w · 22/01/2020 23:11

I’m not ready to do the deed. He knows this. We live 45 mins apart so travelling back and forth is a bit shit and staying over makes sense. But I wanted to take it slowly as we are both fresh out of relationships (last 4 months), would it be weird to stay in separate rooms? Better if one stays in a hotel instead?

Is staying over speeding things up or does it not even matter?!

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 22/01/2020 23:13

It just depends on how you feel. I wanted to sleep with someone, I would. If he's going to be wrong for you anyway, you will find that out regardless of whether you sleep with him at an appointed time or not

Original poster
User18992w · 22/01/2020 23:14

I’m ok not having sex if we stay together and he is also ok with this. We’ve spoken about it.

I’m just worried if I stayed it would speed things up or, if I stay and we don’t do much physically it makes things weird between us?

OP posts:
Original poster
User18992w · 22/01/2020 23:15

When I say speed things up I mean makes the relationship seem more advanced than it need otherwise be

OP posts:
mindutopia · 22/01/2020 23:49

You can sleep in the same bed without having sex. It’s a level of intimacy, yes, but you are either ready for it or you aren’t. I don’t think it will speed things up per se. But I think dating but sleeping in separate bedrooms probably means you drop to the friend zone.

Dh and I slept in the same bed probably 4-5 nights a week from the day we started dating. I don’t think we had sex for probably 4-6 weeks after. We were really close emotionally (we obviously spent a lot of time together), but things still moved at the right pace for us.

PawPawNoodle · 23/01/2020 00:25

Just go home, 45 minutes isn't a long journey. It eliminates all worries and bother if you just both go home at the end of the date.

For what it's worth I would feel ridiculous sharing a hotel bed with a man I'm seeing if I'm not going to be intimate with him in some way.

Tubdoi · 23/01/2020 00:28

Think you need to know the vibes and decide . Different people will have different opinions

Apileofballyhoo · 23/01/2020 00:32

45 minutes isn't far. Don't stay over if you don't feel comfortable with it.

category12 · 23/01/2020 05:46

You can sleep in the same bed without having sex. I would seriously question the wisdom of sharing a bed Confused. You don't know him well enough.

Separate rooms is more sense.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/01/2020 05:54

Can you just meet halfway all the time. So it’s only a 20-25 minute trip for each of you?
Just until you are ready to move things along

Robin2323 · 23/01/2020 05:54

If you are asking it's too soon.

MrHaroldFry · 23/01/2020 05:58

You are undecided. That is your gut instinct. Listen to it!
45 mins is doable, go home.

LouisaJenny · 23/01/2020 08:54

As others have said, either meeting half way or one going home would be good. However, if you want to have separate rooms then go with that.

When is the date?

3rdchristmaslucky · 23/01/2020 09:46

I think as long as you're both clear on the fact that you aren't ready to step it up a level, it's fine to share a bed.

It completely depends on how comfortable you are with him and whether or not you trust him.

PinkMonkeyBird · 23/01/2020 10:13

I agree with the PP who say just go home. Honestly, 45 mins is really not far at all. I spend that time picking my DD up from one of her evening activities going from one side of town to another! My DP is 2 hours away, so it does warrant stop overs at each other's houses. We DTD a month after we met as it felt right.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/01/2020 12:21

Mt bf lives an hour away and on our 4th date i was going out with him on his city and meeting some of his friends so he offered for me to stay at his and also offered to sleep on the sofa.

As it happens, I didn't want him to sleep on the sofa and we dtd (we both wanted to) but the offer was there, bless him. When I saw his sofa I realised how much of a thoughtful gesture that was!

So yes, either just go home to avoid any awkwardness, stay in the same bed but with an agreement that you only do x/y/z (even if that's just a hug) or sleep in separate bedrooms. Whichever feels more comfortable for you.

I'm not sure I agree that sex 'speeds things up' though. It depends how much weight you put on it I guess.

isobel79 · 23/01/2020 12:35

Not stepping in on your parade OP but here is a post I'm trying to put up but it doesn't work. Similar to yours but sounds like I've already done it without 💭

"To have sex for the first time with a new person? I've done it on date 5 and now I'm questioning whether I should have 😏"

isobel79 · 23/01/2020 12:36

I would go with your gut instinct though. I knew I wanted to dtd and he tried the night before but I was a bit reluctant but then the next day I just couldn't help it

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/01/2020 13:02

@isobel79 Why are you questioning a decision you were happy with? Has he changed towards you as a result?
There is no 'right' or 'wrong' time to sleep with someone. It's when yo both feel comfortable to do so, whether that's on a first date or a tenth (or longer). Some people (not just men) can change after dtd though and no amount of set waiting times will change that.

FixTheBone · 23/01/2020 13:10

@mindutiopia -

Spot on, I slept in the same bed as my now wife on date 1 (student house party) and many nights after, but we didn't actually have sex for at least a year after we started dating...

Do what feels comfortable.

isobel79 · 23/01/2020 13:12

I'm not questioning it he still texts me every morning since with hello beautiful its just me looking into things negatively and I always start feeling worry and insecurities

Success1986 · 23/01/2020 13:15

I would go home the fact you are worried about it means you are not ready. Take yourself out of the situation go to hotel and dont stay over you never know after a few wines you might do something you regret

category12 · 23/01/2020 14:24

Fixthebone, yeees, but presumably you're a man. The risks simply aren't the same.

LouisaJenny · 25/01/2020 14:25

How did it go OP?

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