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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has told me if I leave he won't be around anymore

24 replies

YommyMommy · 22/01/2020 22:28

I want to leave my marriage.

I have told H a few times that its over, I dont love him anymore.

He has told me that if I do leave he will be gone, he can't bare to watch me move on. He said he can't be unhappy for the sake of just our DS's, but I have to be unhappy married to him.

Now I feel trapped more than ever, because I fear he will do something stupid and I don't know if I can live with the guilt of that 😔

OP posts:
Haworthia · 22/01/2020 22:31

You mean he’s threatening suicide? I’m afraid that’s manipulative man 101. He won’t harm himself but he needs to guilt you into thinking he might.

Have a look at this Instagram post

www.instagram.com/p/B7jqP_JHA_S/?igshid=1glp7ez7q77xs

Lozzerbmc · 22/01/2020 22:40

that sounds like blackmail...

Purplewithred · 22/01/2020 22:45

as above - I very much doubt he’ll do anything to harm himself, and if he does that will be his choice. Stand firm, move on.

category12 · 22/01/2020 22:51

You're not responsible for his MH - he is. He's emotionally blackmailing you.

Follow through on your plans to leave, and if he threatens suicide get the emergency services involved.

HollowTalk · 22/01/2020 22:51

I guarantee within a couple of weeks he'll have a new girlfriend.

candative · 22/01/2020 23:50

I doubt you will have to live with any guilt, as others have said, this is emotional blackmail. Suggest he gets some counselling if he feels like this. If he threatens suicide at any time, call the police to ensure his safety. That should knock it on the head.

Loveablers · 23/01/2020 01:58

He won’t kill himself

Honestly? The BEST thing you could do is call 999 the next time he says it. He won’t threaten again.

You cannot stay in any relationship out of fear they’ll kill or harm themselves if you leave. That’s not love.

UYScuti · 23/01/2020 02:04

He doesn't own you, you are free to make your own choices

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 02:11

If he's not willing to stick around for the sake of your children he doesn't deserve them anyway.

But obviously that doesn't help you and then guilt. I agree with PPs - leave. If he carries on with the suicide threats call 999. He'll soon stop.

Jux · 23/01/2020 02:20

He won't do it. He's saying it because he knows you won't be able to take the risk. So

TAKE THE RISK

SleepWarrior · 23/01/2020 02:45

If he is genuinely suicidal then it's because he already was - one person talking about separating cannot make another person suddenly consider ending their life out of nowhere. It's far more likely that he's emotionally blackmailing you (even if he doesn't realise that and thinks he's just showing the intensity of his feelings for you).

Either way, his state of mind is not yours to fix, nor can it be fixed by remaining with someone you don't want to.

If he says it again I'd be tempted to call his bluff "oh my goodness that's terribly sad, you must talk to a doctor. It's all the more reason to split though, everyone knows an unhappy relationship is a terrible place to try and sort your head out in. I'm going to call 999 and your mum and I'll be thinking of you and rooting for to get better. Goodbye".

It actually reminds me of the first day of school and all the crying 4 year olds clinging to their parents begging them to come in with them. The more you say just 1 more minute/last hug etc, the more of a state they get themselves in when the parents try again to leave. If they're definitely getting sent into the classroom (ie if you're definitely ending things) then firm but not unkind is the way. Don't suggest that it might be negotiable or delayable or you invite strategies to make that happen, such as emotional blackmail.

penisbeakers · 23/01/2020 03:01

Emotional manipulation at its worst.

Don't fall for it.

penisbeakers · 23/01/2020 03:03

@Loveablers

I did this. An ex of mine was being a selfish piece of shit because he was "bored" and didn't want to be a responsible dad. He said he felt like offing himself, so I called an ambulance. He kicked off and had a tantrum so the police were also called for backup, so he spent a night in the cells. I threw him out the day after.

Original poster
YommyMommy · 23/01/2020 03:17

Thank you everyone, he begged me to stay until the end of Feb to give him a chance to show me how he can really be. Happy, attentive, helpful around the house, etc. And I stupidly agreed. He just keeps saying I didn't warn him anything was wrong so I can't possibly not be loving him anymore without at least giving it a try 😒

OP posts:
katy1213 · 23/01/2020 03:31

If you're sure in your own mind, don't drag it out until February; if happy and attentive hasn't happened thus far - how many years? - he's not going to change now.

penisbeakers · 23/01/2020 05:22

You're only delaying the inevitable. Also, he won't keep any good behaviour up, it will only dwindle again so do yourself a favour and end it sooner rather than later. Don't fall for his manipulative bullshit.

alvinp · 23/01/2020 07:32

Ignore that shit. It is manipulative and pathetic. Tell him to pack his bags now and don't let him bluff you even for a second.

My exdw threatened the same thing. 15 years later she is alive and kicking just fine.

Purplewithred · 23/01/2020 07:37

So you have given him 6 weeks to step up - what exactly does he need to do in that time to make you love him? Are you going to counselling (alone would be good to start with?)

Original poster
YommyMommy · 23/01/2020 08:34

I didn't want to give him 6 weeks, I only agreed to it because he was beginning me to give him a chance. Show me how things could be.

I ripped the plaster off tonight. He told me to leave as this is my decision and to take the boys with me.

I'm sure by morning he'll be more angry and things will ha ve changed. I plan to be out within 2 weeks l.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 08:43

I'm glad you've ended it @YommyMommy. He's proven himself by telling you to take the kids too.

He doesn't care about them. You'll be better off without him.

redastherose · 23/01/2020 08:49

Don't leave, get advice from a solicitor first. Important to know who owns your house, if joint you are both responsible for paying the mortgage, if rented in both names you are both responsible for paying the rent. You don't want to move out and find he won't pay and you end up with debts to pay which you can't afford because you have rented elsewhere. The 'suicide' threat is generally another form of abuse to keep control of you, my ex did it several times. Likewise the 'I'm depressed you can't blame me for my actions or leave me now' all part of the abusers handbook (if he's tried/tries that one). Get proper advice on your circumstances, you can separate and live in the same house even though it's really awkward it would give your children stability, also remember he's not the boss, you don't have to do what he wants or to his timetable.

Jux · 23/01/2020 19:50

Take copies of wage/salary slips, any other financial information and keep them somewhere safe, like at work or a friend's, also the passports and all certificates (birth, marriage etc), P45s P60s.

Be ready for him to get nasty. He may not, but ....

12345kbm · 23/01/2020 22:57

Do not leave the property.

penisbeakers · 24/01/2020 05:18

Do. Not. Leave. Stand your ground. If he doesn't want to see you and the boys, he can leave.

Also if he threatens suicide then call 999.

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