Healing hearbreak

[SarahBop]

I found out before Xmas, that my husband/lover/best friend/childhood sweetheart had unprotected sex with a mutual friend months previous....it was only the one night (although a few times) but he then continued sleeping with me for months until I found out.

I am beyond devastated. I love him to bits, but I hate him and the anger is like nothing I've ever felt in my life.
Currently we are living together, separating, kids are oblivious (well..as much as possible, it wouldn't surprise me if they've picked up on some tension)

I know you won't have the answers, I just need a hand hold. I am terrified and heartbroken. The thought of telling the kids, the worry of all the upcoming changes/how I'll cope financially and emotionally etc.
I have days where I just feel numb and other days where I am furious and tearful.

I can't stop picturing them together, him pleasuring her. Makes me feel so sick and humiliated and angry.

Surely this heals???? At the moment I feel like someones cut my right arm off..like I literally don't want to do another day with this pain inside me. I keep hoping I'll wake up and it'll all be some sick dream/nightmare

My lovely other half of more than a decade, father of our four boys, managed to have unprotected sex with a work colleague in October, carry on sleeping with me. He only told me when she let him know she had an STD. I am definitely not over it but am now in a place where I am angry more than I am sad which is at least helpful with getting stuff done? And it helps me have a sense of purpose too. Not sure where I will be when the anger runs out mind you.... massive hugs

Oh Barney, Im so sorry you're going through this too. It's horrific isn't it.
Are you staying together?

My husband came back to me and continued to have sex for months, potentially putting me at harm. He had no intention of telling me, I found out from someone else, because the woman had been telling people. He doesn't seem to understand, that although it was only one night, he has betrayed me repeatedly by putting me at potential harm each time we had sex...I am LIVID

Mine apparently just didn’t think about the unprotected aspect at all because he has had a vasectomy 🙄 because of course pregnancy is the only worry.... like a bloody teenager!

We are separated but he still hopes we can get over it. I am not sure how unless he can explain to me in some way how the hell he gave himself permission to do this, and how he has fundamentally changed so it can never happen again. He just keeps saying he was depressed and is sorry which doesn’t really cut it...

It does get better.
It doesn't heal entirely though.
But this will take a lot of time.
Are you trying to work on your marriage or is this a deal-breaker for you?
It was a deal-breaker for me but some couples can come out the other side.
But you do him out of your headspace as soon as possible.
You cannot heal while he is there!

although it was only one night

What does it being only one night matter - he thinks you should've grateful he hasn't been having sex with a mutual friend repeatedly, or repeated mutual friends or something??

And the fact that he never said a word, displayed no conscience whatsoever and you only found out because she's telling people about it ....

He sounds like he has no integrity and no empathy.

What would his reaction have been if he found out you'd had sex with a mutual male friend several times one night, said not a word and he'd only found out because the guy blabbed/bragged/whatever?!

Of course everyone focuses on std risk etc. but that's in addition to the unbelievable level of betrayal - and the pain inflicted if/when it's found out, and the ultimate destruction of your marriage and family.

No doubt he thought he'd get away with it and "what they don't know won't hurt them", and he'd have his family intact. Doesn't make it any better though.
It's cold comfort but if he was capable of doing that, he'd have done it sooner or later, and if he did it once ...

Also by doing this with a mutual friend, he took such a risk that it would get back to you : via your social circle - resulting in humiliation for you on top.if everything else. If had been a total stranger (not that it's any better morally) but at least your social circle wouldn't know your husband has cheated on you and made a travesty of (fidelity in) your marriage .... does he not even realise that women, like men, would feel utter humiliation at people they know knowing their souse has cheated; and that would also affect their ability to stay in the marriage, because they can't get away from everyone knowing .... I don't think the betrayed spouse should stay anyway but he really added more pain and humiliation to the situation for you. His stupidity and risk taking in that aspect of what he did is another factor.

So sorry you're going through this op.

@Barney77 That is where we're at too. Are you living apart? We are still under the same roof, which is hard in itself as the 'mask' is harder to maintain in front of the kids.

@Gilbert, yes that is exactly the point. I said to him, he could've done it with any stranger/anywhere, but to do it right on his own doorstep is so much more humiliating. I've had to just try and ignore the humiliation aspect though, as that's me adding more layers to an already emotional mess. Just need to focus on the fact I didn't do that thing and cause this mess, so all I can do is deal with the matter in hand.

I saw a counsellor today, it was good to cry and vent to someone impartial, as always struggle telling friends as lots of our friends are mutual and I hate to their they're gossiping about out marital problems with their spouses too.

@hellsbellsmelons My gut instinct says deal breaker. But of course I am doing the whole head/heart thing, the thought of disrupting the kids lives and upsetting them with dad moving out etc..but also don't want to be one of those couples who stays together "for the kids". My heads just an absolute mess over it all, I never thought he could hurt me so badly