My relationship with my mother

[Grinchbinch]

I posted a thread in AIBU about my relationship with my mum and it's made me think about things a bit more deeply. I thought I would get some stuff out here and see what people think - hope that's OK.

We are not at all close and I'm not sure who is to blame. I am not an easy person at all - few friends and no one to really confide in. Being with my current partner has made me think a lot as well, as his family are very easygoing, very close and welcoming. By contrast mine are difficult- my mother in particular.

My mother and father split when I was quite young (8) and she was self employed or irregularly employed through my childhood after that. Her main income was taking in lodgers and foreign students. As a consequence I was expected to be out of sight and out of mind (or very sociable, which does not suit my personality). I always had to be quiet, polite, and it was easier for me to just shut myself away. For a significant chunk of time between then, and me moving out at 18, there was an inappropriate atmosphere in the house, people drinking till late, house stinking of smoke in the mornings, etc. Also, I don't want to say domestic violence, but an aggressive and hostile atmosphere between her and her long term boyfriend and tons of screaming matches.

I was never encouraged to have friends over even if I asked in advance (I usually wouldn't ask) and my mother would regularly fixate on things that were "wrong" with me (messy room, bad attitude, too much time online, etc) but not in a normal way. Hard to explain but she would kick off at the slightest provocation and go on a rampage. When I was 10 or 11 she came into my bedroom and ripped down all my posters of animals because I "didn't care about (that breed of animal) enough" and threw a glass at the wall. I had had a bad accident/injury relating to the animal and was not taking an interest as a result. She also tried to kick my bedroom door down once when I had had enough and put my chest of drawers in front of it. I was not very well looked after and had an intervention in primary school where my headteacher pulled me into the office about not wearing uniform. I had been going into school with random items of clothing like joggers etc because I was getting myself ready for school. I also had bad head lice infestations multiple times and also had to hunt round the house for change for lunch once when I was doing this, aged about 13,there was a gay porn magazine open on the kitchen table, along with the usual empty glasses and full ashtrays after her friends had been round :( no idea where that came from.

When I was a teenager she used to record me on a dictaphone if she thought I had a bad attitude and threaten to send it to my head teacher. She kicked off again at: my exam celebration dinner (walked out), my end of school exhibition (picked a fight and drove off without me), and my 17th birthday (invited all her friends round for a party who ate my birthday cake). It sounds petty but I think about all of this a lot and have been resigned to thinking that basically I do not have a mother. More recently she has not been to my home since I moved here several years ago (5 miles away), to be fair she does not ask much of me, but rings me expecting me to go round and have dinner etc, whenever I do there is a horrible atmosphere.

She doesn't want to talk to me at all, I don't think we have had a conversation for about 5 years. If I go there she is "busy" (doesn't work) "tired" or "wants to watch TV". We have nothing to talk about because she takes no interest in anything and will go off on a tangent about pets, or people. I don't know. I have thought I am the problem for so long but actually I think it's her. As per my other thread, there are 2 women a bit older than me (I'm 30) that she had stay with her when I was a kid, and she calls them her other daughters. It really hurts and I'm actually very close to cutting her off completely. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Even looking at this and thinking how horrible it looks, I think I'm being ungrateful and she is right not to treat me like a daughter because I'm horrible. I don't have friends really and it's because I'm unlikeable so why would my mum like me or treat me well?

and hugs
Please make sure you are not grinch.
Others will say go NC. I would say the same. You are very young and you have a whole life ahead of you.
I will probably start with therapy and see what lies ahead.

By the way. None of it is your fault.

I would hand on heart say this is not your fault....you are not ungrateful....it sounds to me like you had very little to be grateful for. Your mother was neglectful and abusive and your childhood sounds like a war zone, no childhood at all.

I have no advice for you sweetheart but you come across so lovely in your post....confused and blaming yourself. You need to accept no mother should subject their child to what she put you through. Dont minimise what she did. She neglected you and made you feel like shit. You need to find a way through that now but the first step should absolutely be realising that you did nothing wrong...you were just a kid. Good luck to you

I had an awful childhood also op.
I gave my dm a chance to be a dgm. She was as crap at that.
Been nc for many years.
Mourn the dm you should have had op.
And move on or it will destroy your sanity.

I actually can't go no contact completely, it is a long story but I can't see my dad most of the time without her being involved. It is so hard. They are financially entangled as well and I am struggling to get my head round it all. Currently it comes down to her calling me and being horrible, she treats me like SHIT. Or she will ring me and ask what's new but we haven't spoken in so long I don't know what to say. I wish so much that I had a mum I could talk to.

I'd say she doesn't deserve you. Honestly go nc and save yourself this heartache every time you see her.

Please go no contact. My mother would rip my clothes, accused me of being a slut, get my father involved which meant the belt. I was a bewildered teenager. I stuck by her after marriage and my first two children putting up with scenes and drama at family events. I finally cracked when she started telling my little boy tall stories to scare him. Have been nc for years. Oh she has pursued me, ex directory but got my phone number. Moved house she got my new address. Now I hear she can no longer walk and is in hospital, she found someone to tell me that. Still pulling the strings from her hospital bed.

Move on and be happy. Counselling may well help you.

Oh and if your dad will not visit you alone, then god rot him too, he is an enabler.

Have a look at this.
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

Philip Larkin got it right when he wrote that your mum and dad fuck you up.
You're only 30 so don't let the rest of your life be affected by this terrible childhood you had.
It will always be there, somewhere, but you don't have to revisit it if you don't want to.
The main thing is to work on your self esteem. I didn't because I'm 30 years older than you and didn't have the information, no internet etc, available to realise what my childhood had done to me. Luckily I have an amazing dh who I met at 16 so my adult life has mostly been happy.
I still had to contend with being told nobody likes me a few years ago. The hardest thing is not believing her.

Remember you are a strong, smart lady and you do not need your parent's approval to live your life as you see fit.

Definitely you don't deserve that type of treatment!

Even if you don't go completely NC, I'd at least limit the contact.

You don't have to be the perfect child (no such thing) to deserve a loving home, growing up. A good parent loves their child unconditionally. Your parents had a responsibility to raise you and care for you when you were a child, and it sounds like they failed in many ways. That's not your fault, even if you a very challenging child (which it doesn't sound like you were).

I read your other thread OP and to me you come across as level-headed, bright, articulate and very bloody likeable! But even if you were none of those things, your mother's behaviour towards you is totally inexcusable.

What you're describing is physical and emotional harm (and quite frankly from the atmosphere in the household and lack of a protective adult there could have been a risk of sexual harm too - though I hope that never materialised). You're allowed to feel aggrieved about what you experienced, your feelings are legitimate.

It's great that you now have access to a family who functions a bit more normally (though none are perfect!), but it probably will throw into focus just how poorly your Mum cared for you and you might want to think about working through some of this in therapy, just to help you make sense of it all.

Best of luck

Hi OP you cannot blame yourself for being brought up by a neglectful parent. There are some helpful books and online info out there that can offer some understanding about childhood neglect.
'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by L Gibson.
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and Ive heard of 'Running on Empty' by J Webb.
Aim to go as minimal contact as possible if you fully can't do NC. I wish you well. x

I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful replies. Had a long chat with my dad and we are looking at renting a place together which would really be ideal. Onwards!