When is it ethical to start seeing new people

[protoncrouton]

Hi. This question will probably strike people as a bit grotesque... Sorry! Maybe I have low standards.

I'm going to tell my partner soon that I intend to separate and then to start the process through mediators. We have two young children. Getting to the point of being able to tell him has been a really long process, for various reasons, and really, really hard on me.

Maybe it's not 100% healthy for me but I really feel like I desperately need the comfort of physical affection from other people. I have been completely faithful the entire relationship. I think he has too but I can't be sure.

Is it ethical to start seeing other people as soon as I have told my partner I intend to leave. Even if it takes a long time to actually get to the point that I can move out into a new home, with the children (I hope, if I am able to negotiate primary residence with them). I don't think I want or will "get" to stay in our current place, I want my own place... (this is not home for me).

Would doing this transgress moral boundaries... If so which ones?

Thanks

Do you already know the person from whom you may seek the "comfort of physical affection?"

Or is this genuinely theoretical?

I think as long as your current partner knows that you're off, then it's ethically fine to date someone else.
Some might say you need time, blahblahblah. And maybe you do. But ethically you would be fine in terms of it not being cheating.
I certainly wouldn't rub it in their face though and I definitely wouldn't bring anybody into the home if you both still live in it. When one of you move out, then ethically it's ok to bring a new partner into your actual home.
Before then, I think it's ethical to meet elsewhere only.

I think you probably know the answer to your own question if you have to ask others to give you the green light you know it's a bit wrong especially as your in the same house.

PicsInRed - No I don't know anybody... but I wouldn't say it's theoretical as to get into any kind of relationship (however casual) you have to make the effort. So... it's kinda like asking, is it OK to put myself in a place where I'm making that effort. OLD for example. At what point is that okay....

tjk10 - I see what you are saying but I don't agree. Asking about moral boundaries is all about sounding people out on what seems reasonable (otherwise AIBU would not have to exist, everyone would be wrong for just asking, right?)

If you rush into something I’m not sure you’ll get ‘the comfort of physical affection’ but more likely a quick shag and goodbye. Fine if you want that. But I think it’s a bit harsh to do that Openly whilst Living with an ex

I wouldn’t. I would consider it to be an unnecessary kick in the teeth for your not-yet-ex, given you’ll still be living together, and it could very well escalate your situation into animosity which would be best avoided if possible with children in the home.
Once you’re living apart, crack on. Until then, go without.

If you still have care and respect for your partner, I would wait until living separately.

If they're abusive and will block the divorce, house sale/moving out, generally stop you from loving separately and moving on etc ... I'd do it but very covertly and only after the separation had commenced. No no sharing, no laundry, no cooking. SEPARATED.

I would get advice from a solicitor about the implications of a relstionship on any financial settlement. Be wary, as the parameters are broad.

Don't see anyone from work or who you already know. The assumption will be that you left for OM.

I would wait till you're separated to be honest. Especially if you plan on OLD as it's a complete shark pit. You absolutely don't need that while you're dealing with a break up, however much you might think you've mentally "moved on."

I'd be concerned of what my children would think if they found out.

OP- I was in a similar situation exactly 2 years ago when about to separate with my exDH. Having felt increasingly lonely in our sexless marriage for many years and having tried everything to improve things, I knew in my heart we needed to end things and I wanted to move on and start to live life and feel vibrant and wanted again.
When I broke the news, my ex was initially temporarily cross, upset, disbelieving etc but very quickly came round and agreed it was for the best, and we decided to remain living together for a few months for the sake of the kids, but agreed to see other people. We both met other people we really liked almost straight away, told eachother, and decided on set ‘date nights’ whereby each of us got a couple of nights a week after the kids were in bed to see our new partners. It worked really really really well. I was with my new partner for 8 months and my ex is still with his new partner to this day (they now live together and she’s lovely). He moved out after 9 months and I helped him set his new place up.
It worked really well for us, because we essentially were on the same page and both realised we’d been lonely and unhappy.
Possibly this may be the case for you? If so, I’d suggest starting by discussing your loneliness and desire to separate, and take it from there. Once you’ve had that conversation, and once the dust has settled slightly on that, you’ll get a feel for whether it feels right to start to test the water with potential new liaisons.
Good luck and all the very best.

If there are kids involved and you’re still living together I’d sort out not living together first. Does your partner have an idea this is coming? If not I would say it’s not great to tell them it’s over and then go out dating right away - particularly if you’re intending to leave them looking after the kids while you do it.

Why would you care about it being ethical seeing someone straight after you leave your soon to be ex when your already cheating on him lol

Do you think that guys who want proper relationships will want to start one with someone who lives with their partner? If you want a fuckbuddy then go for it but if you're after something more then it would be better to wait.

honeybumsugarplum - I think you misread my post. I made it clear I have been 100% faithful throughout the relationship. The point is whether the relationship actually ends at the point I tell him that it has done so, even if we continue under the same roof for a while, for the purposes of the legal negotiations to finalise all the different issues.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I do see there are risks. Thank you for pointing them out.

Honey if you want to climb off his dick and directly onto another man's, the only opinion that matters is yours.

As long as you feel sure about what you're doing, happy and comfortable then you do you.

Be safe and be smart.

It may be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
When you split from a relationship you should have some time for YOU.
You've probably been part of a couple for a while and you need to find out who YOU are again as an individual. What you like doing.

Getting happy in your own company.
Loving yourself again.
It's a process and to jump straight to another man is not really the answer.
You wouldn't want to be someones 'rebound relationship' so don't inflict that on anyone else until you are totally ready!!!

If you just want a shag then that's something else entirely and you go for it! But be careful not to get emotionally involved too early on.