To maintain a friendship? or cut all ties

[Sadiee88]

So my husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have a 3 year old.
My husband works a lot- five days as a manager for a local company and weekends doing something he loves, involves a lot of travelling, time consuming, tiring, but also pays well.
Last Jan we started having problems as he was never here and when he was he was absolutely shattered, irritable, grumpy.
In June, after a family holiday he declared he didn’t want to be a family and didn’t love me.
We separated, but made the decision to carry on living together as he was never here and financially it made sense.
We moved into separate bedrooms.

Fast forward to September, I met someone and we went on a few dates, over the course of two months. No sex/kissing.

Come November, my now ex husband says he made a mistake and loves me and wants to be a family. We talk ALOT. I divulge my dates with another man. Anyway, in short we decide to give things another go. I tell the man I’ve been dating. He wants to stay friends.... we did have a good friendship (that could have gone further, we both agreed...)

He’s now met someone else, who he says he likes, that he’s slept with.
I thought things would cool off, as he had been messaging me about 20/30 times a day prior. Things did ease off for awhile.

He has a ‘useful’ job and ended up doing some work for my hubby, so they’ve met each other. I think my hubby just wanted to check him out to be honest.

Anyway, he’s now messaging loads again and has told his new girlfriend/date that if he is to have a relationship with her things will need to progress really slowly as he has some mental health issues - depression. He’s also cancelled dates with her.

Would you maintain a friendship or no? My husband feels like he’s waiting around for me and I should cut ties.

(There is no issue of me cheating and we didn’t even kiss whilst dating, it would just be a friendship.)

Cut ties with both of them

They are both using you.

Using me for????

Housekeeping, childcare, sex, ego boost...

Did you actually even read it what I typed. Clearly not.

I agree they are using you. The date for an ego boost and the fact you are responding to his messages means he is probably reading it the wrong way. Your husband is never there - has he made a drastic change to your relationship in the last couple of months?

I'd be more concerned as to why your dh said he didn't love you anymore in June and then wants to be with you again in November. I do think that the om messaging you that frequently is a bit intense though and maybe leaning on you a bit too much. Think I would be concerned even if a close friend msged me that much everyday. Do u think perhaps that your dh sensed u were becoming closer to the om and panicked as he didn't want anyone else to possibly be a father figure to your dc?

Perhaps I should’ve explained that yes hubby now only does the managerial position. He also does childcare, cooking, etc.
We go out both as a family and as a couple.
My marriage is now perfectly fine.

They both sound like self absorbed life suckers

Ok your ex husband does more. For now.
Hope it lasts

I would sever all ties with this other bloke why would you not?

I have to agree with @Nomorechips

Absolutely cut ties with the date guy. He's far too intense.

If you are happy with the way your marriage is now then you should cut ties with the other bloke, at least for a while.

@Nomorechips I don’t think so. He knows I wouldn’t introduce a new man to my child quickly, it would probably take a year at the very least. Initially he was all for me meeting someone else, but I don’t think he thought I would or at least not so soon.

He said he felt like I wasn’t his best friend anymore (prior to separation). But came to realise I was still the one he turned to and he didn’t want to lose me, still loved me, thinks he had a breakdown through stress. He’s completely changed, of course it is early days.

OM always messaged a lot. He seems to have quite a few female friends, but not many male ones. I don’t know what to make of it really.

Your husband did not have a breakdown. If he did he would know it.

His symptoms fit far better into realms of had an affair. It did not go as I wanted it to.

Don’t get involved with someone who has depression unless you are able and willing to be fully committed to helping them with a serious health problem.

No hubby didn’t cheat.... he wouldn’t have had time. Plus he would have told me. We had separated and he knew I was dating. No reason to lie.

OM didn’t tell me he had depression until after we quit dating.

Definitely cut ties with the new guy. There is absolutely no benefit to be had from staying in touch.

I think there probably was another woman when he was never there and was shitty with you. For whatever reason it didn't work out and he decided to pick things up with you. Every reason to lie if there was overlap.

Why are you so defensive OP?

This man isn’t a real friend is he so it should be easy to cut ties. There’s no shared history, you can’t meet up for coffee or a cinema trip. I wonder why, if your marriage is fine now, you would want to continue a friendship with someone you dated anyway?

I didn’t think I was being defensive, I thought I was being honest.
Yes I’ll cut ties with the other man and get a divorce too he’s clearly cheated on me. Silly me
Thanks for the amazeballs advice

I’d cut ties with the date guy to allow him to move on properly with someone else.

I think you should cut ties with date guy. There’s no reason for you to maintain contact and it is not really fair to him as he’s possibly still hoping something more could come if things don’t work out with your husband.

If you are going to give your marriage a go you both need to be focused on that not messaging other people outside of the marriage.

It is still early days in the reconciliation with your husband, so although going well your marriage is probably still quite fragile.

It seems that your husband is accepting the friendship with date guy as he is still in making up to you mode so not in a position to make a fuss; but he has expressed to you that he is uncomfortable with the situation.

How would you feel if the tables were turned? I know that if I was to have a new friend like that DH would be hurt and upset and it would feel like a betrayal.

I am curious about what do you get out of the friendship? Why do you want to stay friends with him? You became close with this man with romantic intent, you say you are just friends but no adult friends text each other with such intensity surely? What is the content of those messages? Do you enjoy the interaction with him? (I would hate someone texting me that much!)

Sorry for all the questions, I am just finding it hard to understand why you want to stay friends with him, why a new friendship is worth pursuing when it could cause huge problems for your marriage.

If you had romantic feelings for the other guy and are now back with your husband, you need to cut ties with the other guy. Imagine how you’d feel if it were the other way around.

You need to cut contact right down with other guy, maybe only text a few times a week, not every day. Anything more than this is inappropriate.

Do you think your friendship with other guy is what's keeping your DH on his toes now?

@bumpertobumper
Thank you for the reply. OM seemed like a genuinely nice person, we had a lot in common, he likes doing things my hubby doesn’t really enjoy. I’ve had lots of male friends in the past, the majority whom I’ve had to stop spending time with as they’ve acquired girlfriends who didn’t like it.

OM has had a lot going on, so it’s just been talking through those things really. Talking about films/music. No flirting. If I’d met up with him purely as a colleague/friend, I wouldn’t see a problem. Because we didn’t engage in romantic behaviour, it feels like I’ve just made a new friend. I was happier when he had a girlfriend I suppose. I think I’ve made it clear that it’s just friendship. However, reading your reply I can see that it’s probably not a great idea to pursue a friendship at the cost of my marriage.

My husband trusts me enough to know I’d never commit adultery but yes, he may well just be putting up with it. I possibly wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot, so I’ve probably answered my own question.... I do trust my husband, but I’d be thinking if we split up are you going to go straight to the other woman! (I know I wouldn’t do that, because of all this guys issues, but still).

@thekaiserswife
I don’t think so, not in terms of thinking I’d have an affair in any case. He knows I’m committed to making our marriage work.... but I’ve not asked him, so I don’t know for sure.

@Skysblue I think you are right. I just wanted other opinions, before calling it quits. He never mentioned his mental health until recently, but he’s said a year ago he wanted to end it all, very depressed, guilty about his failed marriage. It’s approaching the subject of not responding to him that I find hard. Plus I find it hard to reconcile the happy guy I see, with the depressed one on messenger.....

I’ll have to call it quits and hopefully he can move on properly with his girlfriend/life.