My friend is in a abusive relationship but does not recognise it herself.

[Newmum33]

Help! One of my oldest friends is in an abusive relationship but she doesn't seem to recognise this.

She has become withdrawn since her son was born 2 years ago and to me seems a shadow of her former self.

Her partner (I feel) is slowly isolating her - she has canceled our last 6 meet ups for various reasons (today's being "im under strict instructions not to go out as the kid keeps saying mum home").

She has told me previously that he has had her against the wall by her throat. There are cameras in their house that he will not let her switch off (originally put in under the guise of watching the puppy they got). He regularly says he is punishing her by leaving and staying out overnight. When they argue he says vile things to her and tell her it's all her fault and no one would ever want her - things like she has a "baggy fanny".

They are what is would call a respectable mid 30's couple. Both have good jobs, nice cars, are very well put together and appear on social media to have perfect family lives.

I am at a loss as to how to help her, the one time we spoke about the hostility I suggested she could not live like that forever and she told me should would never leave him as wants to keep her family together.

What can I do??? I so want to help but she is just pushing me further away.

It's very frustrating. You might find this helpful OP: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Thanks for the link, unfortunately as with everything I have found online it only tells you how to support once the person confides in you.

My issue is she doesn't even recognise she is in an abusive relationship.

It makes me so sad for her.

She has confided in you. She told you he had her by the throat.

There is a certain disconnect or cognitive dissonance with domestic abuse. Lots of women 'know' the behaviour is wrong or there is something wrong but don't realise it's abuse. Thus begins the abuse cycle where they scrabble, like a hamster on a wheel to make it all better. Bending over backwards, making excuses, minimising, blaming it on themselves etc etc It's exhausting to watch so imagine what it's like to go through.

It's obviously not the ideal situation to inflict on children. It's an idea to just let her know you're there if she ever needs to talk. This is obviously abusive as well, for the children but it's difficult to describe how the abuse keeps you hostage unless you've been through it yourself. Many survivors put up with it until it starts on the children, not realising that it already has by remaining in the relationship.

She's in denial OP.

Do you think if I were to discuss my concerns with her sister or mother that this would have a negative effect?

I want to help and if standing back and just being here when / if she need me and not bringing it up myself is the best and safest option than that's what I'll do.

I guess I was hoping someone would give me a way to scoop her up and make it better. If only it worked like that!

Thanks again for your reply

The only thing you can really do is be there for her in the longer term, and be supportive of her wheneever she opens up, however slightly. At the moment I imagine it mostly impacts her. As her child gets older her partner's behaviour will more and more impact the child. That might give her the push she needs to get away from him. She says she wants to keep her family together but as time goes on she will meet more families that are not together in a coventiaonal way and she may see it is ok, and preferable to what she has. I'd also encourage her to start reading mumsnet, under it guise of something innocuous or funny...

Tell her you love her. Tell her why she's a friend, what you appreciate about her because she'll be getting nothing but negativity from her partner. Let her know that you're there for her, if she ever needs you.

You know her family so if you don't think they're going to make life hard for her by endangering her, then go ahead. The more support she has the better. You just need to careful that nothing is said or done that he takes out on her later.

Also, be aware that he may be undermining you to her or even threatening you ie saying he'll hurt you. It's common for abusers to threaten friends, family and even pets. Don't bad mouth him to her as it may create an us/against them scenario.

Maybe she does recognise it but he has her scared. He will definitely see you as a threat and not want her to see you. I'd probably have to say it to her, I'd say it because I'm concerned, for her and the kid and the dog. I'd let her know there is always a way out. I'd tell her that it will not only negatively affect her long term, but also the kid, because it's true. She could be happy if she left him. I wish she would.

If she's a SAHM, pop over one time during the day to see how she is.
If you know her family well, tell them. I'd certainly want to know if my DD was being abused.

Having been in the situation your friend is in unfortunatly until she realises herself the only thing you can do is be there for her. Her husband sounds exactly like my ex and i had told my family eventually what was going on and they begged and begged me to leave him. I couldnt i felt like i was being a disloyal wife ans hated the thought of him being without family. Eventually one night he attacked me and my oldest child witnessed it and that was the catalyst for me to leave after 12 years.

Be there for your friend, tell her you are always there if and when she needs to talk and just support her. When she does finally realise what is happening to her she will need all the love and support she can get for herself and children

I too have been that woman. The gaslighting is very effective, and she will also be scared of him. These kind of men are dangerous. His behaviour is now a criminal act - see coercive control. He should be reported to the police.

@Sicario i wish the coercive behaviour had been criminal law here when i was with my ex unfortunatly it wasnt. Unfortunatly it doesnt matter how much someone tells us a person is dangerous or to leave they have us totally dependant on them and we only leave when we finally realise what has been happening the whole time

Work as hard as you can to stay in contact. He wants to isolate her from you and her other friends - don't let that happen. Be patient with the cancelled meet ups/lack of contact and make sure she knows you are always there for her.

Newmum she has confided in you, which is a positive step. I agree with PP that she is scared, feels trapped and is in denial. He will be doing everything to psychologically undermine her and as you correctly identify, he is deliberately trying to isolate her. The best thing you can do is keep in touch with her and try to encourage her because her confidence will have been obliterated. You sound like a really good friend who is very concerned about her and that will be a great help for her when she decides to leave him.

I think she does recognise it, because she's telling you these things.

As others said, the only option uou have here is to work hard not to let him isolate her.

Thanks everyone for your replies, sounds like I should just keep trying to keep in contact no matter what.

Fingers crossed she escapes this situation one day.