Left the abusive relationship now hes hounding me

[Lifeafternarcabuse]

Left my 2.5 year abusive controlling nasty exp and now he is hounding me accusing me of cheating..... i need to stay strong my ds hates him he has destroyed everything in my life. He is even refusing to have our dd overnight to restrict me from going out!!

How do i handle the whole hounding stuff? I just wanna get through this

You need to disengage basically.
Don't give him what he desperately craves - the drama, the control and the upper hand. Get everything in text/email, only re: kids and don't engage with anything else.

He refuses to have her overnight to screw with your plans?
Don't tell him you have plans or anything you're doing going forward. He's not your friend and it doesn't concern him. Send message "No problem, DD will be available x day and y night for you to collect at z time."

He doesn't turn up then wants her outwith those times to screw with you (guaranteed)?
"Sorry, that doesn't work for us as we have plans. DD will be available x day at y night for you to collect at z time." Rinse and repeat your end with a bored, business-like vibe.

You're stopping him seeing the kids?
See above.

He's accusing you of cheating / manipulating / painting your face blue?
Don't glorify with a response. Only respond to things that directly relate to the kids.

Don't deviate. Don't get hooked back into his control struggle. You've left, you don't need to anymore.

It's difficult to advise without knowing more details. In what way is he hounding you? Is he turning up at your house? Work? Parked on your road? Phoning? Doing it on social media? Spreading lies about you to family?

Had you had any support from a Domestic Abuse organisation? What are the contact arrangements?

Estrella thank you that sounds perfect i will implement all that right now.

12345 he hounds me by phoning and messaging i block him then he arrives at my house or work. He doesnt have social media thankfully and my family refuse to speak to him so thats good. Contact arrangments are once a week for the day at the moment as he refuses more. I have in the past had domestice abuse helper however she was utterly usless wouldnt answer the phone for weeks on end etc etc.

Contact day this weekend is sunday 10am til 7pm.

We shall see if he arrives

Start gathering what you need to get a restraining order against him... phone the National domestic abuse helpline and find out what you need.

Print out what you can. Keep all texts/messages. There's an app you can download called Brightskye which records and where you can log his behaviour. It saves everything online, not on your phone in case it gets lost etc You can download it here: www.hestia.org/brightsky

Dial 101 and get advice regarding his behaviour. I don't have enough details to know if it's harassment but they should be able to clarify and to tell you your legal options.

Inform him that you do not wish for him to turn up at your property any more and you only wish to communicate about the children via email. Make sure this is on email so you have a paper trail. Let him know that if he turns up at your place of work or at home, you will consider it harassment and will dial 999.

Consider organising 'hand overs' via a third party so you don't have to see him. Or, if that isn't possible drop the children off somewhere where he can pick them up so you don't have to see him for example, a friend or relative. Again, if that isn't possible he can collect them from school or nursery.

For more information on contact arrangements, speak to Gingerbread.
For advice on safety and harassment, try the National Stalking Helpline. They'll speak to you about day to day safety and how to log the harassment and how to go about legally protecting yourself.

Thanks so much downloading now!! Im looking into all the options in regards to hand overs, i dont have alot of support at the moment but i think nursery would be a good place as he can collect without me. Thanks so much xx

It's no problem. Brightsky can be a bit 'buggy' so make sure you keep paper copies and log his behaviour on paper. Date/Time it began,time it ends/What he's doing and how it makes you feel.

Make sure you get safety advice. The National Stalking Helpline are very good and they deal with both harassment and stalking. I'm not sure if this is one or both but they will tell you. When you start to put boundaries in place, he may kick off, so it's best to get advice on that first before doing anything.

I will keep a notepad too then thank you.

I have no doubt in my mind once i start with boundaries he will be awful! He is Very very nasty. He has done so much to me and i cant get any lower now so the only way for us is up! I will without a doubt doing the majority of looking after dd which is fine however i dont feel 1 day a week for her to see her dad is any sort of time for them to have any sort of relationship.... anyway its his loss hey xx

No more black eyes, bruises and raping for me!

I'm sorry to hear about the psychical abuse and sexual assault. Have you had any support with that? From what you've said your IDVA was unhelpful and may not have helped you access support.

Op after hearing what he has done to you why is he allowed to see your dad?

See your dd not dad

If this persists OP and you have evidence you can obtain a non-molestation order. A few weeks ago my ex ramped up the harassment and stalking and I gave him a final warning that if it continued I’d go the police. The threat worked somewhat but I still hear from him from various different accounts, emails etc. Limit contact as much as you can.

I don't think I could let my child have contact with such a man

I have stopped him seeing dd for 6 weeks in the past when police were involved the last time, the police let me down big time and i got lost in the system nothing ever came of the assault cohersive controll or harassment charges. He is awful with me totally awful but is good with dd totally different person however i am fully aware that this may change as dd gets older she is only 18 months atm so she is well behaved not answering back or paddies that kids have as they become little people and the only reason i let him have contact is that he takes her to his mum and dads where he lives and they are always with her too.

I got brief support however they all seemed to let me down and not actually help me.

Please dont worry i am monitoring dd with him via his parents closely. Its weird how he is with me obsessive and controlling but has never shown any negative signs towards dd but i am watching that as i say as she gets older ill monitor more!!

Im collecting evidence now thanks to the lovely advice i have been given. I did this last time when the police were involved however got let down on a massive scale but im keeping all the evidence!