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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unrequited crush while married

14 replies

Hopel · 22/01/2020 16:57

I am married to a wonderful man, with whom I have two beautiful children. We are in our mid thirties and have been together since we were teenagers. We have been completely faithful to one another our whole relationship, however I seem to have constant crushes on other men. They’ve always fizzled out and I’ve never intended on being unfaithful - I think it tends to happen when the man in question starts being nice to me; I sort of turn them into an obsessive crush that can last for months or even years in some cases. They’ve always been on friends, but then the crush goes away when I see them less frequently.
However, my most recent crush has been getting progressively worse over the last year as it is someone I work with so I am with him every day. On days when he interacts with me a lot I am absolutely on a high and look for signs that he likes me too (I would never cheat on my husband but I crave/long for the attention, maybe due to low self esteem). And on days where I don’t see him as much or he is ‘off’ with me, I can be quite down in the dumps.
I have a few mental health issues and when I objectively view my pattern of thinking it is clear that I need therapy to resolve this. But I was hoping someone had some advice on how to deal with these crushes? Is it normal to constantly have another crush on the go throughout a long term loving relationship?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 22/01/2020 17:01

I mean it's normal to find other people attractive but yours sounds more than that. My first thought was maybe because you two got together in your teens and you've not had many (or any?) other b/fs besides your DH? I don't know what the solution is though, sorry. Maybe speaking to someone professional about how to deal with it?

Hopel · 22/01/2020 17:04

Thank you AryaStarkWolf. It does feel more than finding others attractive, and you’re right, I did not really have any boyfriends before him.

OP posts:
Lellikelly26 · 24/01/2020 21:08

Are there any problems in your relationship? Maybe there are and you are avoiding them by escaping into your thoughts about this other man.
Maybe you’d like a different life if you weren’t a mum etc? I think lots of women have been there not sure what to advise though sorry

SugarMiceInTheRain · 24/01/2020 21:14

I don't know what to advise, but I know exactly how you feel. I have been happily married for 18 years (I was almost 21 when we got married) and I am currently battling similar. Despite being happy and not wanting to jeopardise that I cant stop thinking about the crush. It's quite distracting. Mind you I have very in depth daydreams about living an entirely different life! Grin

Cakeandcustard123 · 24/01/2020 22:05

It feels good to receive attention; flattering and boosts your self esteem. Provided it doesn't go past a bit of harmless flirting then are you really doing that much wrong? If my husband was harmlessly flirting with someone then I can't say I'd mind provided it didn't go any further than that. I think what you're describing sounds like a "proximity crush" that you see mentioned on here every now and again - the more you see them the more you like them. I think a lot of women probably daydream about the freedom of a life without a husband and kids but the reality is we wouldn't actually change it. Grass is always greener and all that!

Cakeandcustard123 · 24/01/2020 22:09

And I think it comes from a place of love self esteem so you want validation from someone that you're worthy, you're funny, you're attractive etc because you dont feel it within yourself and when you've been married a long time you dont get that from your OH?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 24/01/2020 22:10

I have a similar issue - repeated and very intense crushes. It is making me miserable and has definitely progressed beyond a harmless distraction. I am going to see a counsellor about it.

tweedler · 25/01/2020 01:37

Does the other person know about it? Do you send them signals?

TrueRefuge · 25/01/2020 08:42

I have the same issue. Only working through it with a skilled therapist is helping.

Griefmonster · 25/01/2020 08:59

I get crushes ALL THE TIME! My theory is they help identify gaps in your life or relationship. What does this particular fantasy tell you about what you need?

To diffuse the inensity so you can get more perspective, I find it really helps me to lighten up about it and externalise it

So because the 'high' comes from the fantasy element - you would never act on the crush - I pop my own bubble. That could be telling someone trusted about it but in a light way - "eek I've got a mad teenage crush on so and so! Imagine that ha ha".

I have also talked to my DH about it. This has usually only been once I've figured out what's behind the crush - usually some kind of unmet need. For example one recent one on a much younger man. I realised it was really about longing for the freedoms and excitement of youth and so me and DH talked about doing more things we enjoyed in our 20s.

The other technique I find pops the bubble is seeing crush as a whole person - because it's a fantasy you elevate the good stuff and minimise/ignore the crap.
Works well for work based ones as they are usually filling a gap in my perception of my DH "I wish DH was more XXX" (assertive like crush, ambitious as crush...) I then think well if DH was like crush then what else does that come with? Oh - a bit arrogant, their career comes first, would be bring me a cup of tea in the morning?

It can feel painful to have an out of control crush so you need to release a bit of the pressure.

Longsight2019 · 25/01/2020 09:07

I think I need to keep an eye on my wife after reading this!

Superfoodie123 · 25/01/2020 10:25

One word, limerance. Look at your attachment issues to find the root cause of why this is happening

Hopel · 25/01/2020 14:49

Thanks for all the responses. I am not aware of intentionally sending any signals so I don’t think he knows, but we are friends so I’m hoping any ‘crushy’ behaviour would just come off as friendlyness? I have never dated so wouldn’t really know what flirting was if it hit my in the face, and am embarrassed to think my behaviour towards him seemed flirty. I just want a sort of constant platonic contact with him - I don’t have sexual fantasies about him and have never done with any of my other crushes. I just sort of Obsessively want him to want me. I feel like such a weirdo but it’s taking over my head.
It’s really hard to explain. I feel emotionally attracted to him and am craving an emotional attraction back from him rather than anything physical.
Superfoodie123 - I looked up limerance and it sounds spot on.

OP posts:
Cakeandcustard123 · 25/01/2020 20:36

Bumping to see whether anyone else has any useful insight on this.

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