Why do I keep attracting fuckboys

[AimeeFrank]

Hi everyone
I’ve posted on here before.. about dating again in my 30s... so, I’ve been dating for a few months.. nothing seems to go anywhere. But recently I’ve been attracting my Fair share of fuckboys. The last three I’ve dated for longer than a month have all ended it in the same way.... with shit excuses and bullshit and pathetic reasons for going. Usually the ‘I can’t give you what you want’... hmm... ok then.
Anyway, the most recent one.. I’ll call him The Aussie... we matched on tinder before Xmas.. we started chatting and seemed to get on well. Met up just after Christmas and it was lovely then went out loads and spent lots of time together. I was worried that he was running before he could walk.. he invited me a wedding in April, had told his kids about me, and I’d met a couple of his mates etc etc. We saw each other at the weekend.. as usual, lovely, he was keen.. saying all the right stuff and making plans for our next dates..
THEN.. Monday night, says he wants space.. needs time.. says I deserve better and someone who can commit to me 100%.. and all this other shit. Literally no idea where it had come from and I was totally blindsided. And really upset, was just starting to trust him. I’ve gone through a messy divorce and not very trusting AT ALL of anyone. I feel like such an idiot. I also realise that actually he doesn’t want space at all, but just wanted an out and I’ll never hear from him again. Can’t understand why he didn’t was so lovely and keen and now this?!? I’ve left him alone, as per his instructions. But what a prick. I definitely think it’s me.

Getting too attached too early

Ignoring red flags

Using dating apps

Accepting even a modicum of shitty behaviour

Believing their words and not their actions

Not being happy with being single

The answer is always at least one of these.

DisinterestedParty I agree with you.

It's not so much you are attracting them - there are more than enough shallow, worthless men to go round - but you are attracted to them, and you're ignoring the rule that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got!

Be more selective, more discerning, and don't believe what these guys tell you :)

Maybe he met someone else and it's nothing to do with you or what you have done 💐

I think people get addicted to the dating app. Find someone else. No need to form a relationship just move to the next person. People sleep with each other too fast.

All of what @DisinterestedParty said. Particularly Tinder which has a big reputation for being a hook up app.

Yes, hold back a bit to begin with. Pace things slower. I experienced so much bad behavior online too. I was love bombed and discarded. I was lovebombed and then relegated.

I just invested too quickly when the TRUST wasnt really there.

I had hope but i innvested befored i trusted.

It's not you.

There are loads of these men.

What is on you, as someone said is how you pace things. Take things slow.

First sign of red flags - you're off. If they start to come on really fast or are super flakey - you're off.

I think it’s a red flag that he was being so full on so quickly. Why did you respond positively to that? In almost all cases those sort of full-on interactions are just fantasy based, anyone who wants to get that serious that quickly (or talks that way) has issues.

It seems to me that what you’re after is an insta-relationship rather than taking time to date, particularly if after just a month most people are saying they can’t give you what you want. This last guy - you say you met up after Xmas and spent loads of time together - we’re still in January! It all sounds very intense very quickly.

I had the impression a "fuckboy" was a man who disappeared shortly after the first instance of having had sex, often by ghosting. These sound like men who have tried to make a relationship work, but just decided the two of your weren't compatible for whatever reason.

Are you observing red flags? Because you say you thought he was running before he walked, but you seem not to have acted on that?

Also just an idea but the timelines you're talking about, for it to become so full on and for you to have expectations after a few weeks, are really really short.

Like... it took me 11 months to go exclusive with my dp. Who I met on Tinder, after my messy divorce, in my 30s... is it possible you're really hopeful and therefore are projecting fantasies onto the men you meet? Is that why you ignore the red flags as well?

You don’t attract them , you keep them . And not for very long , which is good . You obviously weren't very compatible and they seem intense. It’s possible they do this to a lot of women ...Tinder isn’t that great and full of these sorts of men. Maybe take it slow and have less expectations . Be happy being single.

I think you’re trying to force compatibility early by the sounds of it. Calling these encounters “fuckboys’ is a bit harsh