FIL stirring up trouble – WWYD

[ScatteredMama82]

FIL and MIL are separated and have been for decades. They communicate occasionally, as on the surface I think they want to appear as being civil! FIL has said things to her in the past to stir up trouble (e.g. when it was his turn to come for Christmas, we invited him and literally he must have put the phone down and picked up to phone MIL immediately – as she then rang us later that day to say she had heard he was coming, and she was feeling a little hurt etc. Stupid thing is, DH was about to phone her and invite her for an ‘early Christmas’ the weekend before, but FIL got in there first to rub her nose in it.

Anyway – latest thing is, FIL was here to visit a few weeks ago and DH told him about a work trip he’s going on in the summer that will take him away for nearly a month. In his job it’s not unexpected, and isn’t exactly ‘big news’. MIL rang last night and immediately said to me ‘so am I going to pleased about this big news that I’m going to hear’? I had no idea what she was on about, and she said FIL had phoned to tell her to expect some news, but that obviously HE couldn’t tell her but it was to with things that are happening over the summer’. She’s now in a huff because she feels ‘out of the loop’ and that we are keeping secrets from her. There are a whole host of other issues with MIL and our relationship with her, and to be honest they’re not really the issue in this case. What annoys me is that FIL has gone out of his way (again) to stir up trouble.

Would you say anything to FIL about this? Or leave them to it as frankly the issue is between MIL & FIL in this case (although I ended up in the firing line for it!)

Set up a group chat and update info to both.
Keep your private life private as neither sound like they care about having a quiet life tbh. Stop fueling the drama they love basically - unintentionally or not!!

Why didn't you just say eh? There is no big news, Derek has a workmt io to go on, that's all.

Add stupid things to the chat.
Dh had the shits this week.
Forgot to buy loo rolls.
Bore them!!
.

Why do you keep oversharing with your FIL when you know he’s an idiot? That’s the problem.

Why not just start telling all information to your mil first. Then she can just say I know. When he starts to shit stir.

@Bluntness100 that's what I did, I said it really wasn't big news, no secret, just a normal thing. She's still pissed off though.

@Whynosnowyet nah - no way am I being in a group chat with them! Good idea but we are not 'close' to either of them so the thought of keeping them up to date on our lives doesn't really appeal.

FIL needs to go on an information diet

@GrumpyHoonMain it wasn't oversharing, it was just a normal conversation along the lines of holiday plans for the year etc, and in that conversation the reason for us going on holiday in the spring instead of the summer hols came up (i.e. DH going away in summer). the problem is not us having a normal conversation, the problem is FIL running off to create drama where there was none.

Refer MIL to DH as it is DH who is informing DFIL and missing out DMIL. Just say you know nothing about it and bat it back.

DH needs to be the one to suffer from this not you. Then he might be more cautious.

@MissSmith1 I don't think DH should have to be cautious about a simple conversation though. FIL made an issue where there absolutely was none. It's not like he told him 'big news' it's just that FIL turned it into 'big news' in his head!

Be honest with MIL

"I feel fil is trying to wind you up. There is no big news. Dh has work trip this summer. Honestly why is he making it sound bigger than it is. As if we would ever tell him big news and not tell you"

Maybe phone MIL up first to let her know any big news, and then phone him. But, really, I’d stop telling FIL anything beyond the normal day to day stuff.

OP I don't think DH should have to be cautious You're right here but if MIL and FIL are going to act like competing 5 year olds you should either restrict what you say to stop one upmanship or ignore the resulting fall out.
It's whether you can ignore them or not that matters, if you can ignore do nothing.

As is often said on Mumsnet, you can't change fil's behaviour you can only change the way you respond to that behaviour. So rather than saying you shouldn't have to be cautious when talking to fil, you need to turn that approach on it's head and starve him of information. That puts a very effective end to the problem.

Can I offer another perspective here?

Maybe FIL isn't being a shit stirrer. Maybe he's just excited. Has he been in another relationship or was MIL his last?

She was his partner for a number of years and, were they still together, he would be putting down the phone and telling her this news.

Maybe the man is lonely.

Maybe I'm totally wrong.

The MILs sense of entitlement is the real issue here though. Him talking to her about non issues wouldn't become and issue if she didn't feel as though she had the right to know first.

Talk to them both.
Ask FIL to allow you to talk about your lives with MIL.
Tell MIL that she will be the first to hear anything important to her.

Then move to Africa and never speak to either of them again for a quiet life.

DH needs to have a chat with FIL

Dear Dad. It seems that you are causing drama with Mum by having conversations about my business with her. If this is unintentional, please be more thoughtful and stop talking to her about my life. If it is intentional, please know that it will drive a wedge between you and me and not me and Mum. Im going to continue on as normal with you for now, but if you upset Mum again with anything to do with information about my life, I will simply stop talking to you about anything personal, and that would be a shame as I value our relationship.

Your DH needs to have separate conversations with his parents.

MIL - "Mum, there are occasions when we see Dad and mention things to him that we haven't had chance to tell you yet. If he chooses to call you and tell you before we have chance that's not our problem and you need to stop getting upset about not always being the first to hear things"

FIL - "Dad, when we share news with you about things going on in our lives it would be helpful if you didn't call Mum to gossip. It's not your place to share information about us and Mum gets in a strop if she hears it from you rather than us. If we share things with you we'd prefer if you kept it to yourself."

My MIL is always taking our news & mouthing off to all & sundry. She is a gossip, nothing is sacred.
I have stopped telling her anything important, my adult kids have also stopped keeping her up to date.
I have told her why!

Don’t go down the rabbit hole of justifying and explaining. Your MIL and FIL have too much time on their hands. Be straight with both of them., FIL if your going to use things we tell you to wind MIL up, then we will stop telling you things and the conversations we do have will be devoid of personal information.