Can I stay if I'm the one who wants to separate?

[Bearski77]

The main thing holding me back from going through with asking for a separation is that I want to stay in the house with our kids, and ask him to leave. I've told him how I feel (or rather don't feel) and he must know this is the next step, but we are stuck now and nobody is making any sort of move. I know he doesn't want this, but I'm so unhappy. Can I really make him go? The mortgage is in both our names. I know the easiest option is for me to leave, but if that was really what I had to do, move the kids out of their home, I really think I'd just give up and stick with what I've got..... I'd love to hear what others have done, thank you x

Unfortunately you can’t make him do anything - it’s his house too.
When I told ex I wanted to separate he initially said he would love out. He then changed his mind and we were stuck in the same house for a few months until me and dc moved out.
Looki f back, I’m glad I didn’t stay in the marital home - too many memories and a big financial bind. Me and DC love our new house as we have chosen everything ourselves that we like and it feels like a fresh start.

Should say MOVE out, not love out! 😱

Why should he leave op? He has much right as you do. Put the house on the market and go you're separate ways.

Unless he is abusive or has been a terrible husband, it's very unreasonable to expect him to lose his home and his children.

I would suggest getting some legal advice.
Why are you so unhappy?
Problem with separation is that you need to come to an agreement, financially.
Can you afford the mortgage on your own?
Can you afford to buy him out?
If not then you will need to sell up and split the proceeds to go your separate ways.

Would you be sharing care of dcs 50/50 or would most of it fall to you? If the latter, I'd think you could present him with a reasonable argument for you and the dc staying and him leaving.

Have you properly looked into the financial side - if you sell would you have enough equity and earnings to buy for you and the dcs?

He won’t want to move out either for the same reasons as you.

If separation and divorce are the next steps. Then work out what that means financially together for both of you. Then try to find a way that you both have homes and time with your children.

You won’t either have the same lifestyle. Adjustments are needed. Be that smaller homes and adjustments to working lives to improve income and manage child care.

That’s what responsible adults and parents do.

Staying until things get worse and one of you may have an affair will just lead to a bigger mess

Thanks for your replies. We live in the smallest possible house as it is. I could afford to take over the mortgage, just. And buying anywhere else would be more expensive due to lack of equity etc (we bought at the height of the market and now the house is worth less than we paid for it.) I think I know the answer is to both move out and move on, but I just find it overwhelming to think of uprooting my kids from everything they've ever known, just so I can find some kind of 'happiness' which might not even be achievable anyway. I know this is a weak attitude and to make do with what I've got is an absolute cop-out, but I just feel stuck.

I was in the same situation. We legally separated but he didn't move out for nearly 2 yrs. We got on ok but his attitude changed and he treated our home like a hotel and expected me to do everything. It nearly broke me mentally. Now he comes back for visits at short notice and stays for however long he wants (he moved abroad) and there is legally nothing I can do about it. I can't afford to buy him out and my share of the equity isn't enough to buy a house on my own. I know by rights I could stay until our child leaves education but I can't put up with his visits any longer! I'm going to propose that I have a higher share, seeing as I'm the one providing all the childcare and need to keep a roof over our heads. Add to this that I've met someone and want to move on with my life, with him.
Sorry for the long story and it may not help you but it's just an insight into cohabiting.

@TooOldForThis67 It does help, thanks, because I feel as if we are already doing this. We've basically lived separate lives for years (I do 90% of the work in the house, 90% of the parenting etc, as well as working almost full time) and he has spent the past few years going to gigs, cinema etc whenever he wants. We don't do anything together, even cooking/eating separately, so even if we did officially separate and stay living together, it wouldn't be much different.
There must be an awful lot of people in a similar situation.

I think you need to sell.

The courts seem to be favouring clean breaks now rather than children staying in the home till they are grown. So house is sold and proceeds split according to need with the idea both sides have somewhere to live with space for the children. It has certainly been the case with all of my friends who have divorced recently and couldn't afford to buy husband out. As he also owns the house you can't make him leave unless they is DA. But I would advise legal advice as the above is mainly anecdotal and what I have seen on here

Kids are adaptable. Moving out doesn't have to be traumatic. Life is to short to be unhappy.

You said you've told him you want to separate, but have you made it formal? Seen a solicitor?

Why should he leave op? He has much right as you do. Put the house on the market and go you're separate ways.

^This. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Do you perhaps have a family member who you could move in with? This would help you to save up some money in the short term, giving you a much better chance of getting a place of your own.

Other than that, the most sensible option (perhaps not financially, but at least realistic) would be to sell, get your finances in order, and find somewhere to rent instead. Okay, so you wouldn't be a homeowner anymore, but I've found that you really can't put a price on happiness.

It's not just about taking over the mortgage it's about buying him out of his share of the equity, unless you can get an agreement where he waits until the children are 18 and then takes his share.

There isn't really a connection between who makes the decision to end the relationship, and who moves out. Or, such connections are for other reasons, like moving in with a new partner.

Whether it is him or you wanting to end things shouldn't, of itself, determine what happens to housing.

You could try asking him to leave? Explain the benefit to the children and see if you can reason with him. He is well within his rights to refuse. If he does point out that due to lack of equity he will end up with half the debt.

Well OP should stay as she’s the primary care giver and its the children who will suffer if uprooted. Unless OPs ex suddenly wants to take an active role....shocking

Has he suggested anything OP? I’d see a solicitor and then ask him what he thinks he will do (open question to where his minds at)