How/When to tell ex about new partner

[Ilovebolly]

I’ve been separated for 16 months, was me who instigated the separation. Been living happily alone with two DC who see dad regularly but have an extremely strained relationship with him.
Ex-H was controlling, manipulative (still is) and unpredictable- just some of the many, many reasons I left.
Anyway, I’ve been seeing a new guy for a few months now and he is amazing! It’s still early days so too soon to tell the DC but I just wondered when/how I should tell ex-h about my new partner. I’ve no idea how he will react, badly probably. I know it’s not really his business but if/once kids become involved I guess he has a right to know.
What is the norm on what to do in this situation?

I wouldn't tell him anything.

Even if I decide to introduce the DC to him eventually?

When the DC meet him, then you can tell him.

As it stands, you've just found your new normal. Don't rock the boat.

Why would you

Agree. No need to rock the boat before it's necessary.

Are you worried he’ll be awful to the DC about it if he hears about it from them?

I agree you don’t have to tell him, as long as you don’t mind not being told if/when he has a new relationship. But depending on the DC ages, I can see why you’d worry about his response to them.

You tell him once you've decided to tell the DC, but before you actually do. You tell him as their parent not as your ex iyswim

No reason to tell him at all.

Why would you tell him? Absolutely none of his concern. Same when you introduce BF to your children.

You don't answer to your abuser anymore.

Not until you introduce him to the kids. If even. Wait until the relationship is strong or ex will likely try to cause drama and make you feel like you need to split.

I've seen posts on here where women have told their abusive ex about their partner before they met the kids. And the ex has then manipulated the kids into being scared to meet the partner ect...

Agree with PPL. You don’t tell him. As you say it’s early days and no intention of DC meeting partner yet.

If you haven't done so you need to start blocking your ex on your social media including WhatsApp now

Then tell your ex an hour before you introduce your new man to the children if you must do so by text. Before doing so block your ex's number so his calls go to voicemail and don't answer any calls where the number is withheld for 48 hours afterwards.

It isn't your ex's business now who you have relationships with whether they are a new or existing partner, friends or family relations.

Agree totally with above. He is likely to start making things difficult. Once you have decided to tell DC I would tell him then (and I'd make sure its at a time where he doesn't see the kids first). Why go through 2 loads of hell? My ex was a nightmare. Still is!

I have a boringly uncomplicated relationship with my ex-H. We split 15 months ago following a good few years of both agreeing things weren’t working. We divorced last April. We’ve both met new people. I knew ex-H had a girlfriend when DD (aged 8) told me Daddies friend Emma had joined them for shopping. I’m pleased for him and I trust that he is considering impact on our DD and it is fundamentally none of my business. DD hasn’t been told “Emma” is a girlfriend, just that she is Daddies friend but she isn’t stupid. She knows Mummy has a new friend and I’d guess my ex-H has heard about this too but he hasn’t asked because it’s none of his business. Neither of us are planning on moving in together I’d assume, certainly I’d be shocked if ex was. We both really wanted to live alone.

I don’t think you HAVE to tell your ex. It’s none of his business. If you think it would ease things for your kids then I’d talk to him before they meet the new guy. He doesn’t get a say though!

Thank you for all the helpful replies. I just won’t say anything until I decide the dc need to know and will think about timing then. It’s only slightly complicated by the fact that we live relatively near to each other so it’s possible word will get back to him anyway. I guess I have to get away from worrying about what he thinks - it’s so hard when I’ve spent years tiptoeing round him.

I would allow dc to meet the new bf before you tell ex. Or he will taint their opinions before they get chance to decide for themselves!
You owe him zero courtesy op...

Sounds like you really need to allow him less control over you.
I have a lovely gf but her ex of 10 years,both kids Dad,still controls her life through the kids,but only so as she allows his opinion to be important enough to care about it.
Its probably why well split up soon too,so don`t allow it.

As their father I think he deserves to know once he meets your DC but before that is none of his business. Once the kids get involved he should be told the basics but you don’t need to go into personal detail.

I think I would want to know anyone spending time with my child so I think a man deserves to be told.