Am I being a big high maintenance here?

[Louise000000]

I'm in a new relationship. It's been a few months now. He is quite shy and he has said that before. However 2 things are bothering me and I don't know if I'm just being a bit high maintenance here or not.
The first thing is he never asks me any questions about myself beyond 'how are you, how was your week' it's like he's not interested in getting to know me. I'm always asking him stuff about his life, family, etc etc as I'm really interested in getting to know all about him. I will just tell him stuff and he does listen.
The other thing is he only says he likes me, he misses me, he's had a nice time with me if I say it first and he agrees or if I ask. He's never just said 'ive missed you' and he never gives any compliments in person.

Please tell me if I'm just being a princess here!

I would definitely expect a friend to ask me questions and ask for a friend who they knew was ill and ask about my kids etc it's normal conversation is it not?

Lol I'm just imagining that guy you dated was that Parker from Friends insurance think it's Alec Baldwin, he's so over enthusiastic about everything!

I don't need that just a wee compliment or a wee comment without me prompting for it would be nice

What we talk about is I will ask a question and he's fairly open with the answer and I might add a bit about my own thing and the convo goes like that and we have banter and stuff. But severe lack of any questions from him.
I think it's a confidence issue tbh

Personally, I think that if it's not been that long, you should just cut your losses and find someone who is more compatible with your dating/attachment style.

Shy is not a great reason to not ask questions or not pay you compliments, and if these things are important to you then the lack of, or feeling like you have to force them, will start to grate and cause resentment. (No judgement, compliments are important to me and it is not shallow or frivilous to desire the verbal assurance of someone you like or care for).

Also, without meaning to make light of a serious topic, it's not as if there's a shortage of subjects for him to ask about. Your best friend undergoing cancer treatment is a big deal and the very least he can do is ask how she's getting on and if you're feeling ok.

Honestly, he's 38, he won't magically change his character, you'll get into all sorts of protracted conversations about how you can't expect someone to change, that you were happy enough at x and y but not nopw with z, he's told you that you look nice once this month, what more do you want? And it's just not worth it. Find someone who you fit better with. Good luck

Sounds like he is holding back a little, maybe because of shyness, many reasons in fact. Just be more chilled out and patient.

I'm autistic and it doesn't come naturally to me to ask this stuff.

He doesn’t sound thoughtless but he does sound as though he has a very different style to you. Maybe he’s not quite right for you?

Sounds like you're just not compatible.

I have a friend who's boyfriend is just like what you describe, but it works for them because she has an avoidant attachment type and runs a mile if a guy is too keen.

What @SuperbMonkey and @PlushPlush said about attachment styles. If you want conversation and intimacy this person may not be the right one for you and you will spend a lot of energy trying to get what you need from him. If he's not asking questions it may be because he doesn't want to get too close so keeps to himself. My ex husband could go through a whole dinner party without speaking to anyone. Boring, rude, desert of a man but then I'm biased!

I bet he has a great time with you. You're interested in him, let him talk about himself, don't make any demands on him.

Some people are like this.

They come away from an interaction having only spoken about themselves and think the other person is wonderful. Even though they still know nothing about the other person.

How do you feel after you've been with him? Have you bounced off him in conversation? Or are you drained?

The world is full of drains and radiators......

@cobblers it's hard to say as I'm usually buzzing after being with him as I do fancy the pants off him.
But when I really thought about it last night I realised how it does bother me how he's not interested in getting to know me more.
And I don't like seeming like this needy person saying 'do you like my hair?' When I was going to his straight after getting it done, surely the first thing you would say is 'nice hair!'
I'm going to put it to him later and see his side as there's always 2 sides and I'm willing to be more patient if he says he's shy or lacking the confidence etc
But yes it could just be that we are not compatible

It sounds like you need lots of compliments and reassurances.
It sounds like he doesn’t naturally give them .

You could force a change - but it wouldn’t last if it’s not naturally his style .

It sounds like you need lots of compliments and reassurances.
It sounds like he doesn’t naturally give them .

^ this.

My DP is terrible at asking people questions to get to know them in a social setting. In his family and even among most of his friends, it is considered mortifyingly rude to "pry". All conversation is just sort of banter, and comments about general topics.

I pointed this out to him once and it had genuinely never occurred to him that he ought to "return" questions once he'd answered them himself - it is also worth noting that high-functioning ASD runs in his family and I think he missed certain social skills that are normally passed on by parents. His family simply never asks anyone about themselves.

He now tries, it feels very awkward and rude to him but he tries. He feels he is constantly at risk of making someone feel uncomfortable by asking a question they don't want to answer.

However he is a compliment giver. I would be wary of a man who doesn't say nice things to you - it's a kind of interpersonal meanness or miserliness that to me is a red flag.

It takes all sorts to make a world. It sounds like you and this guy probably won't make each other very happy... that's not a reflection on either of you, it's just the way things are sometimes.

Wish I had some wise words... but opposite! It’s made me realise that I crave talking whereas my BF does not. He’s affectionate and generous but will openly admit to being matter of fact and not a talker. He rarely give compliments. It’s taken me a while to adjust but because he has so many positives and I love him I stick with it. He’s at heart very decent, solid, reliable, good with my children so I’ve decided for me it’s a compromise worth having. What does your gut tell you? Hope your chat went ok. I think the personality types thing is really interesting, but for an over thinker I’d be scared to know more!

You are a being a bit high maintenance but, if that’s how you are, don’t settle for average

You are dating, the process to see if you are compatible, you’re not. Move on.

It sounds like he’s not suited to you. He’s getting what he wants from you with minimal effort or input. This will only become more frustrating

Whatever the reason is, whether he's shy, he doesn't care, he's not actually into you, he's boring, he's rude, he has an avoidant attachment style, it doesn't really matter. We could speculate all day but none of us know him so it's all just a theory.

You're not compatible for whatever reason so there's no point continuing.

Maybe when he asks how your day is it's an invitation to talk about your family if you have spoke to them. My partner doesn't ask about my family but I think that's because I don't open up about them (estranged from father) and he may see it as intrusive.

Why not ask him what you have put down here? See what he says.

When my partner asks how my day was, he gets a running commentary. I never say good or fine.

Is he asking you out every week or is he skipping weeks? Does he travel to you or are you having to go to go to him all the time? Does he pay for things on dates? Does he take you out or is he wanting sofa dates? Has he gifted you romantically? What did he get you at Christmas?These are indicators of his interest. Not how many questions he asks. If he's not chatty it's a personality thing and he may just not be compatible with you

If you don’t start a conversation off by asking a question would you sit in silence all day.

I ask because friend dumped her oh because after a bit she just got fed up of doing all the conversation load and waited for him to say something.

That was what broke them.

Friend said she couldn’t do the silences