What on earth is going on with me?

[BrainBetrayingMe]

Why have I gone all teenagerish over the last week?

I'm long term single after 2 long term relationships where my bar was set too low and I was treated like rubbish.

I've spent the last twelve years on my own with the children, with no interest in ever getting into another relationship again. The thought of doing something like OLD makes my blood run cold. The children don't see their Dad at all, so me having a social life wasn't a realistic concept anyway.

I've been happily single except sometimes wishing there was someone who could sort some of the humdrum of life for me. Eg renewing car insurance, running kids to where they need to be etc. But I would be happier if I could afford a PA to do these things, than having to enter a relationship
for that practical support.

I have a network of great reliable friends and I've worked hard at my career. Don't have much time for hobbies due to work, kids etc. My self esteem still isn't great, my self care isn't at the top of the priority list because being a mum and employee takes all my time and emotional energy.
Therefore I don't have the time or mental space to date or be in a relationship. To be honest, physically I'm not someone who would appeal to the masses anyway, so I'm not fighting them off.

I feel peace with prioritising kids and work, with me at the bottom of the list, by thinking that in another few years I'll have an empty nest and my time will be my own, for self care, hobbies, social life etc. I still can't imagine wanting a man in my life at that stage though.

All good, happily single until...
Over the last week, I have had conversations with 2 men that have made me giddy for want of a better word. Giddy, like that teenage hyper feeling that comes when the guy you have a crush on talks to you and pays you some compliments, and you wonder and hope that something will come of it.

The first isn't someone I would ever be physically attracted to, and in the past he has made some misogynistic and racist comments that don't sit well with me. But after our long chat during a journey on public transport for a work event, I keep thinking back over the conversation and feel weird about how much I enjoyed getting to know him a bit more. We had some philosophical chats and put the world to rights kinda thing.

Man no.2 is married and that automatically puts him out of bounds for me. We see each other regularly due to a connection between our children. We have a really good laugh together and talking with him brings out my witty side that only comes out with certain people. He is attractive in the classic tall, previously dark but now silver fox, and handsome way, and between that and our ability to laugh together, if he was single and made a move, I'd probably entertain the idea. He seems like one of the good guys, and a devoted Dad. I always feel good after talking to him, lighter somehow. Our interactions are completely innocent so this giddy feeling has hit me like a sledgehammer.

Neither of these men have been flirty or suggestive. I'm not for one second thinking that anything will happen with either of them, but I feel confused by how giddy I feel after these interactions. Almost as though my brain is trying to convince me to consider dating or entering a relationship again.

Even if I wanted to (I don't), practically I couldn't realistically go dating, and due to letting myself go, I wouldn't have any/much success anyway. Its hard enough when you're in good shape let alone the shape I'm in.

But I don't want to, so what is with the giddy feeling that I'm getting? Has anyone experienced this or can point out anything online that can help me get my head around this. Is it some kind of phenomenon that hits after being single so long? It can't be related to babies and continuing the species because I've done all that and my freedom years are just around the corner.

Currently thinking I just need to avoid these men and give my head a wobble but that's not practical either.

It's not that you want either of those men, but the resemblance to companionship (spending time chatting, laughing, bonding) is what has turned your head. In very different ways, they have provided you with snapshots of coupledom and you are pining for that.

You are just coming back to life, Brain. That's wonderful. It's all in your head right now, a fantasy, which is good because you've said you're not quite ready to be going out with anyone yet.

Over the next few months, work on yourself a little. Hair, nails, clothes, weight if necessary. Bit by bit, nothing drastic. I predict you will gain confidence and generally feel better about yourself. Then sit back and wait - you're going to have a great time.

'But I don't want to, so what is with the giddy feeling that I'm getting?'

Loneliness/horniness/desire for a relationship isn't solely rational. You mightn't want a relationship with your entirely rational mind, but on one level you may have a desire for that magickal chemistry/impulse of attraction or depth of relating.

Well your responses have thrown me a bit. Each of them have made me pause and think.

I do like companionship, but feel I get enough of it from my children, friends, colleagues etc. I dont have enough time to see my friends as much as I'd like, let alone give up the amount of time a relationship takes.

I like the idea of coming back to life. I definitely feel the last 12 years have been about surviving not exactly living, doing what needs to be done not what I'd choose to do with my time. Interestingly, if asked to describe what coming back to life would look like, I would not have added a man to my mental picture.

I really do need to work on myself though. Not for a man but for me. It's starting to impact my health and that's not on.

Using the word rational has hit the nail on the head. This giddiness just doesnt feel rational. I have been resolute in my single dom, and never say to friends that I'd like a man in my life, feel lonely, horny etc. Due to the emotional demands of my job and being a mum, I also enjoy time on my own to recharge and often crave it.

Perhaps there is some subconscious desire for a relationship behind this, but that's unsettling in itself, when I was so settled as a single person. 🤷‍♀️

how old are you?
it's probably your hormones/ovaries making a last ditch effort to get you to procreate before shutting up shop...

Peri menopause. It's an erm interesting time.

My first thought was similar to tanterose and anyfucker

Are you ovulating? Recently changed hormonal contraception? (I know you're single but many women are on hormonal contraceptives for medical reasons myself included)

And yes at a certain age that drive gets a boost on occasion - last chance saloon

I’m peri menopausal and I sway from not interested to raging horn, maybe could be hormones?

It's just some Male attention you're enjoying, that's all. Because you've been without it for so long.

Ah perimenopause! Yes that could be it. I'm 43 and have been wondering if it's starting. Mainly because of always being the first to want to open the office window despite wearing only a t shirt and others wearing thick cardigans and scarves kind of thing. My cycle is more regular now than it ever was.
I'm not on any hormonal contraception and I'm due to ovulate within the next few days.

The thought of it being perimenopause is far more reassuring than suddenly developing a subconscious desire for coupledom or babies. I'll have to read up on it to see if I tick any more boxes.

What you're experiencing is perfectly natural. The conversations you have described have been long and stimulating.
From what you've said, you don't get a whole lot of anything for yourself. And that extends to attention.

It's very human to crave and desire attention, on a conscious and subconscious level. And when we get what we are craving our body's give off the pesky happy hormones that will cause that giddy feeling.

The instant gratification of having an intense or enjoyable one on one conversation with someone focused entirely on you and what you're talking about is going to make you feel this way.

You've mentioned that you've let yourself go and that you wouldn't find it easy to date because of this, so your self esteem isn't brimming. You're probably (despite all of your nay-saying) a little bit more vulnerable to male attention because it causes a correction in your feelings and somewhat tips the scale back.

Low self esteem, scale very unbalanced. Attention from a man, scale slightly more balanced.

None of these things make you any less of a full and complete woman with a fulfilling life, except for the absence of a PA.

As you're not ready or interested in dating, I wouldn't recommend it. However, I would recommend you just being more open. If you notice an attractive man, allow yourself to notice him. If someone flirts, flirt back. Allow yourself life's little pick me ups!

Also you really need to get yourself off the bottom of the list. Nothing in your life is going to be 100% if you aren't. Don't let yourself suffer neglect from the one person who should be showering you in what you need. Yourself.

So take the advice given by PP. Start to work on yourself. Don't wait for the magical time that the kids are out of the house. You deserve to be happy and healthy in whatever way it takes you to get there!

TLDR; Attention good. Neglect bad.

Yep peri menopause...I remember it well.

FWIW I think I’m fully menopausal now & I have absolutely no interest I men anymore.

I'm with MadamBatty. The menopause is WONDERFUL for sorting out all those flirty, hair flicky moments!

You may well also be low-grade lonely. Not lonely on a day to day basis but lonely for someone to talk to on a level, one to one basis. It's funny how, as kids grow up, there seems to be this gap, where practically there's no time for a man, but it feels as though you have a hole in your brain that needs filling with grown up conversation!

It's just hormones, a little bit of flattery and the desire to talk as an adult, OP. You'll be fine, don't dwell on it.

Companionship with kids and colleagues is fine, but then there is the adult intimate banter that is deeper and causes a stir.